trying to feel better

day 515

12.19.21
11:04 pm

Me and E finally aired everything out. I expressed that I was upset. He expressed he was also upset. And I told him that I really only had sex with him cause I thought it would get me a relationship.

I told him how stupid I feel now knowing a relationship was really never in the future for us cause he doesn't want that. But he says he doesn't want a relationship and I honestly just think he doesn't want one with me.

I know I'm important to him. I know he cares about me, but damn does he have a bad way of showing it. I told him I'm angry cause I can't get my virginity back. It's like I did all these things for months and I feel like he should've put a stop to it. And I told him that, but he said at one point he did try to stop it and then it just got to a point that he didn't want it to stop.

It just sucks. Cause I wish I would've continued to wait. I did things with him and I broke my own rules. And I honestly only had one rule; NO SEX UNTIL MARRIAGE.

I told him I think he and I should take a break from being friends. He asked me continuously if that's what I truly wanted. I told him it's not what I want, but it's something that I need. He said he'll respect my decision if that's what I truly wanted. I couldn't make up my mind. I looked at him and we both broke out into smiles. And that just proves the connection we have.

I just can't imagine a life without him in it. I don't want to ever imagine a life without him. He's one of the most important things in my life. He holds so many memories for me. He feels like home and I just can't seem to shake that feeling.

But I know being his friend won't allow me to move on. I admitted to my best friend, M, that I won't be able to get over my feelings for him by still being his friend. I know at some point this cycle needs to stop. The cycle of fighting like more then friends, but only allowing us to be friends.

I feel like he and I made a huge mess. We crossed lines that we can never come back from and now we're paying the consequences of our actions.

But things could be worse I guess. I'm glad we're talking again, but it's like will this be our friendship until we either get into individual relationships or finally realize that maybe we're meant to be.

Only time will tell, but right now we're both just not ready for that. I need to work on my communication skills. He needs to work on his commitment. And it's just a lot right now. We need to focus on ourselves and of course I'll be heartbroken if he finds another girl, but I know that if he's truly meant to be mine then our time will come. If not then it was fun while it lasted.

I need to accept this reality. I need to be a better version of myself for myself.

2022 I'm focusing on myself and becoming the best version of myself.