trying to feel better

day 986

02.07.23
7:57 pm

I don't ever want to feel what I felt that night ever again. I've never felt so broken. I've never felt so angry. I'd never felt that type of hatred up until that night.

I feel like I'm grieving him. Grieving the broken promises. Grieving his words that never aligned with his actions. Grieving my feelings for him. Grieving our friendship. Grieving our relationship.

I finally spoke to him and he admitted what I knew all along. He had some feelings for her. He said they're small, but when you hang out with someone and talk to someone all the time, feelings grow. He said his feelings for her don't overpower what he feels for me.

He said he has stronger feelings for me but I refuse to compete with someone. I refuse to be the second choice. I refuse to share the person I'm involved with. So I've decided to just stop. I've decided I no longer want to have feelings for him, but feelings don't just go away that easily.

I refuse to fall into this cycle with him again. How can someone have so many damn feelings? It baffles me that he starts to like someone new and they end up not working out so he ends up with me all over again. But this time has to be different. I deserve more. I deserve better.

I asked him if the reason for him liking her is because maybe it's easier with her. Cause he said sometimes what we have is really hard and it is, but every relationship goes through hardships. He said no. He said he wants me in his life forever, but he feels like I've made my mind up already.

He wants us to continue being what we are, but he feels like I've made up my mind and that it's too late. And he's right. My mind is made up that it's too late, but my heart wants to give him another try. And I would've. I would've forgiven him in a second, but he has feelings for her and that changed everything.

I asked him if he had feelings for her and I knew what the answer would be, but I just didn't realize how much it would affect me. I want him in my life, but right now I just don't know how I want him in my life.

It's hard.

It's hard because I feel so sad, but I also feel so at peace.

It's like I need to have a funeral for him, but if I do then that means he's gone forever. And I don't know if I want him to be gone forever.