trying to feel better

day 386

08.08.21
8:50 pm

E sort of rejected me today.

It sounds worse than what it is honestly. We had gone out to eat and then to the movies with my parents. And at dinner, he sat next to me. He sat close, but I put my purse between us. Then at the theater, he sat with me.

When the movie was over I told him that I regret not having sex with him when we had the chance. We were so close and I backed out. I've been beating myself up about that. And then he rejected me. He told me he's glad we stopped. That he feels he's not the right one for me to have sex with or to lose it to.

He said he wants me to have sex for the first time with someone I could fall in love with. Someone who can give me what I want which is a relationship. He said he can't give me that right now. He's not ready for that because he's been so hurt.

And I get it. He's emotionally closed off and I am too. I've never been in a relationship because I've never allowed anyone in completely. E may think he knows me, but nobody knows me. They only know what I allow them to know. What I allow them to see.

I'm happy that he respects me enough to finally let me know he's just not ready for a relationship. But I think even with knowing that I'd still want to have sex with him. Cause I'm comfortable with him. I trust him and I know that even if things don't work out we'll always be friends.

It's complicated like always. Or maybe it's not. Maybe it's pretty clear. He can't give me a relationship. So I should just move on. But there's nobody to move onto. There's nobody cause I'm honestly not looking. I'm not even looking for E.

I'm good single. I'm good alone. I'm happy alone. And I'm not sure if I'll be happy with someone. I'll just wait till the right MAN walks into my life. And I'll just look at him and KNOW he's the one!