unrequited love | jegulus

eighty nine

~*~*~

"if you don't love me anymore, just say it."

~*~*~

james was different. regulus wasn't sure what was wrong and when he asked, james only said he was tired or he was dreading going to work and when regulus offered to come down and get him from his department, because who'd say no to the minister, he just shook his head and said he didn't want to be unprofessional. he didn't mind coming up to regulus' office when he first got appointed the minister position, so what's different now? this had gone on for a few weeks now.

regulus said a disheartened goodbye to james when they got to the ministry, james going to the auror department and regulus going up to his office. james smiled, a forced one, and went in the opposite direction. regulus opened one of the double doors which led to the room that lily's desk was in, there was a door at the other side of the room that said the minister on the part of the stained glass window.

"morning," she said with a warm smile that always made regulus' mood lift, even if it was for a few moments.

"morning," he replied, he took his coat off and hung it on the coat rack near lily's desk, "any meetings today?"

"you have one before lunch with the head of the magical transportation department, about the blockage in the floo. it's in the surrey area, the people who need to get to work through floo can't," explained lily, handing him a memo on her desk, "they don't mind apparating but many have a problem with having to go the toilet way."

"thanks," said regulus, he turned and headed to his office, shutting the door behind him.

"are you listening?" asked sirius as he and james were in the practice room, where the aurors practiced their hexes or mission scenarios with one another or dummies.

"what?" asked james, coming back to earth, looking to sirius who frowned at him.

"were you listening to me?" asked sirius as he slumped his shoulders, "i was talking about how good remus looks today."

"you talk about that everyday, it's not nothing i haven't heard before," said james, his mind was somewhere else, it had been for a few weeks.

it hadn't ever really occurred to him, but when he and regulus were doting on draco and he saw the awkward, uncomfortable, almost horrified look on regulus' face, reality struck him. he'd known for a while that regulus was deeply uncomfortable around children, he'd only just gotten used to nymphadora, but he didn't really think about their future until the afternoon at his parents house. regulus didn't want nor like children, but james' dream was so be a father. so, what now?

james adored regulus, he'd never felt love like this in his life, and he doubted he ever will, but he wanted children. he'd love to be a dad with regulus but how would that happen? they were still young and he didn't want children until his late twenties or perhaps early thirties, but would regulus? he didn't think so. he could ask, but he didn't want to freak regulus out or give him the wrong idea that he wanted kids now. but, it was always in james' plan since he could remember. what if he got to the age he wanted children, and he was still with regulus, and he simply said no. he would've wasted his time and by the time he actually would get over regulus and date someone else, it would probably be too late.

hypothetically, if he and regulus ever broke up, would he get over him? the time they did back in school, james was a mess, perhaps no one noticed because he was good and pretending he was okay, but he wasn't. he was miserable without him.

* * *

regulus pretended to be asleep when james came into the room. he'd been out with sirius and he had just gotten home. regulus listened as he got changed but frowned when he heard the door open and close again, not feeling james climb in next to him. he sat up alone in the room, that was the last straw. he got out of bed and exited the room, he saw light flooding up the stairs from the lounge and decided to go down and speak to him.

"what're you doing?" asked regulus, disrupting james' tranquilly as he sat on the sofa opposite the fireplace that was lit with flames.

"nothing," he replied quietly with a lazy shrug.

"if you don't love me anymore, just say it," said regulus, not wanting to beat around the bush and get to the point. it was clear james didn't love him anymore, he avoided regulus, didn't touch him or kiss him anymore, he'd barely even said the L word for a few weeks now.

"no, because that would be a lie," james said simply "don't say that kind of thing, reggie, you know i love you."

"then how come you can barely look at me?" asked regulus, james turned his head to look him right in the eye, as if to prove a point. regulus responded sarcastically with, "i almost forgot what colour your eyes were."

"you can go to bed. i'm just not tired right now," said james, rubbing his fingers over his closed eyelids, the action contradicting what he had just said.

"we can both go, we don't have to sleep," offered regulus, "we can talk."

"about?"

"whatever you're thinking about."

james thought for a moment and then stood up, he held out his hand for regulus to take. he held his hand the whole way up to their room and when the got into bed, he reached for it again. he brought regulus' hand up to his mouth and kissed his knuckles and his fingertips, the top of his hand too. regulus didn't know if he was trying to show affection to prove he loved him, but he didn't have to, regulus believed him as soon as he said it down in the lounge. his gut was still telling him something was wrong with james, something was on his mind however, the talk regulus offered didn't happen.

for the first time in a few of weeks, james had kissed regulus properly, not just on the mouth but on his cheeks, on his nose, on his neck, on his jaw and his chest. he'd missed the intimacy of james' lips on his, he felt content and relieved, but there was something wrong. he knew that, but he was also too scared to ask because the answer would hurt way more than this gut feeling he had.

- - -

a/n

this part is kind of short but there was nothing else to add and i didn't want to go off on a tangent <3

me: writes really sad shit throughout this whole story
all of you, and me: