Everything I Never Told You ( Conan Gray )

LII. Mixed Messages

"I cancelled on Al again," Lim said, throwing her books on her bed. They were heavy, filled with complicated terms, notes and scrawls that Heath often saw his friend obsess over. Heath pulled his own art history book towards himself, giving her a little more space to squeeze in. She was wearing the mustard yellow tank top with a zip that he had gotten her last year for her birthday and dark jeans. 

"I feel like you're sending him mixed messages," Heath said, his eyes trailing over his book. He really needed to study it and he was hoping he would learn with them talking at the moment.

"I am not sending him mixed messages," she rolled her eyes as he were the one who was wrong. "I like Al."

"Then why won't you go on dates with him?"

"Have you seen him?!"

As a matter of fact, Heath had seen him around a lot of times. He was kind of a science nerd but really hot. He didn't think it was possible to be both smart and good-looking but he made him doubt it. 

"I have," he answered, even though it was a rhetorical question. 

"I mean he is so hot," Lim said, moving her hands to demonstrate hotness but it wasn't all that creative to her friend. "I want to kiss him every time I see him. So, I am not bailing on him because I do want to kiss him."

"Well you kinda are," he sighed and she frowned. "Why don't you just go on a date if he-"

Fuck, he thought, the answer hitting him hard like a rock, creating ripples in his lake of a brain. It was so obvious. No, he corrected himself. It's not right of me to assume even if she is my closest friend. But it explains so much. She only likes casual hookups, never dating. But she also likes romance. Wait-what am I fucking saying? She can like romance and still be...

"Are you gonna finish that sentence?" she asked, slapping his arm and breaking him out of a trance. "I really-"

"Hey, Lim," he said, cutting in. His eyes turned soft. He knew there were no secrets between them. He didn't want it to come off as demeaning or hurtful. He didn't want her to think he had just assumed. He was finding it hard to say, the first time in months he had probably found it hard to say something to her. But it put together so many things. Lim was supposed to to be smart and notice the signs early so why had she not figured it out. Could it be she was hopeless romantic and she didn't believe it could be so? "Have you heard of aromanticism?"

"I have," she said, not catching on. She blew over her pristine nails once and he found it very dramatic to be true. "Why woul-"

She stopped mid sentence, her breath hitching. She stared at her nails in horror and for a second Heath believed that it was because something was wrong with them. Her hand dropped and she looked at him as if he had hit her with something. A slap on her all her dreams. Like he had betrayed her. 

Heath gulped. Had he been too assuming? Had it come off as offensive? He shouldn't have said that. Lim was his closest friend and now he had fucked up by saying those words to her. He should have-

"Are you implying that I might be aromantic?" she suddenly spoke again and Heath tore his eyes from his textbook to stare his friend who was now almost about to burst into tears. 

"No," he said defensively, not sure how to clarify, "I meant that you sound a lot like-I mean it's nothing bad. Aromantic people are cool and not heartless."

"It feels like you know me better than myself somedays," she said and paused. "I really don't know, Heath but now that you have said it, I feel like I am questioning right now."

"I don't have an answer right now," Limca said, staring at the steam of her coffee. "But it does make a lot of sense. It explains a lot but I don't know if that's the correct explanation."

"I am not saying you have to figure it out in a day," Heath said, holding his friend's hand tightly. "I mean didn't wake up one day and thought I was gay."

She blinked back the tears, swallowed hard and glanced at him. "So no magic, no forever for me?"

"It's not like that," her friend said softly. "You have got me. I mean am I not magic? Am I not here forever?"

She laughed, at first sounding a little bitter but then breaking into tears. It was mesmerizing yet horrifying to watch her cry, a phoenix, burning up only to be reborn, better and braver. Her cries were all lightening, her tears all rain. She sobbed, her thoughts a deep storm she had to clarify and uncloud. 

"I know you are here forever," she said, squeezing his hand. "But this world is too romanticized. Everywhere around us, romance of the concept of romantic love exists. If I am aromantic...I will miss out on something everyone hypes. I am still not sure and at this point, I don't think I ever will be. But what am I supposed to, Heath? Fucking die alone? Like some grumpy grandma that no one wanted to marry? And my mom and dad, what will they say? No fucking grandkids?"

"First of all, you are not dying alone. If will die with you," he said, earning a throaty laugh from her. "Secondly, if you are aro, you don't want to get married, not others to you. And your parents will understand, in some time. You can always adopt as a single mom. I know everyone hypes love. Everyone makes it a point of their lives to find it, but for aromantics, there is love, just not romantic."

Lim looked at him, believing him and finding solace in his words. 

"And it's a spectrum," he said, when she wouldn't say anything. "Grayromantic, demiromantic and other stuff." His voice got more determined when he spoke again. "I promise you, Lim that you won't die alone or as a grumpy grandma. I don't care if someone else comes into your life or not but as a friend, I will be there, regardless of your romantic orientation."