Everything I Never Told You ( Conan Gray )

LIV. When Things Are Broken

Every time Conan saw Alina, her hair seemed brighter and bolder. At first it seemed like a dull brown and burgundy, the next it looked it flame, now it looked like lava. She was checking her phone again again, brows furrowing and probably wondering when he would be there. She was wearing a yellow and lime green sundress with patterns of light blue butterflies and white sandals. Though it wasn't the weather for it, she was wearing a scarf. 

Conan waved at her when he saw her, smiling a little. She broke into a smile and waved back, partially beckoning him. 

"Hey, what's up?" he asked her as they stood under the tree filled with flowers. 

"Hi," she said smiling with watery eyes. "I broke things off with Samuel."

Conan felt like he could breathe easier again. No one deserved to tie themselves with someone as violent and fucked up as Samuel. He was still partly mad at her for not knowing better and for all those years in high school she made him sad and self-demeaning, believing he wasn't good enough or deserving of love. 

"I am glad to hear that," he said and she smiled sadly. "What made you do it?"

"I don't know," she said, her voice wavering and her eyes did the same. "A lot of reasons."

"I have got time, if you have the will to tell me," Conan said carefully. 

"Well," Alina said, kicking a rock and frowning as it disappeared somewhere in the reeds, "I saw how you fought for Heath. How you've always tried to make him feel better and tell him how wonderful he is. Samuel never did that for me. It was always how I needed to improve and get better for him because I have always been a leech on all the good things he has had.

"Alina, you are wonderful-"

"He made me click those photos of you on your date," she said, suddenly. It wasn't a confession but an apology. "I hated him forcing me to do it. I am sorry about that, Cone. He-I believed he was difficult. I tried so hard to change him but I couldn't do it. I have protected him for so long, almost two years. If you are holding things together for so long, they are broken beyond fixing.  I hoped that marrying him would fill up all the cracks in him..

"When I told him he was wrong to do that, he shouted at me. He got drunk with his friends instead of apologising to me and h-hit me with a glass bottle."

"Is that why you are covering your neck?" he asked, glancing at the printed scarf. 

"He apologised after that but I was done with him; I guess you could say that was the last straw for me and him," she said, taking it off. A dominant red bruise had pried open her skin, it was still fresh on the edges, newly made. "I still love Sam and hate him."

"It's okay," he said, nodding. "I understand that he can be manipulative-"

"It's not okay, Conan," she said, holding back her tears. "He sexually assaulted Heath, he practically bullied people for years and troubled you too. So, no, it's not okay."

"But it's not your fault either," Conan said softly, meaning every word he said hereafter. "You have been a victim too and it's not your fault. The others, Hector, Rob, Hunter and whatever, they supported him and support him still; they don't have the courage to stop or break away from, him as you do. I assure you, Alina that you are much better than any of them."

She gulped hard, smiling at him. No matter how self-demeaning a human got, a little bit of appreciation is always welcomed by them. 

"No wonder Heath is in love with you," she said, laughing hollowly. "You always say the most perfect things.

"Thank you," Conan said, pleased to have made her day better. He smiled at her and she smiled too, her eyes turning watery. "You moved out of his apartment?"

"I feel like starting over," Alina said, looking at the lake. She bent down to grab a flat stone. "I am moving to DC for my literature masters."

"Something new?" he questioned. 

"Yes," she said, aiming her rock, "Also, I feel really suffocated. It's a small town, I will run into Samuel and his boys any day."

She flung it over the lake, it glided along the surface of it, creating multiple ripple pools and eventually sunk deep inside. 

"Tell Heath that I understand why he hated this small town," she said and Conan felt a little offended, like she had slapped him. 

"So, no wedding?" Conan said playfully. "I mean I already picked out a tuxedo."

"No," Alina laughed, taking the joke the right way. Her hair blew in the wind. "There is no wedding. For now."

Alina and Conan said their goodbyes. She hugged him, patting his back and said he could visit her anytime in DC. He told her she could visit him in California any time. Ali didn't tear up as Conan had expected her to. She had been going through these things for two years and yet she had been so strong about it. Maybe, she didn't want to cry in front of him. 

It was almost like he knew her but not really. Over four years they had drifted apart immensely. Conan liking her was nothing but a blurry memory that he could imagine in flashes. It was nice to have her with him once again, nice to see her smiling and be out of a goddamn mess. 

It made Conan sad thinking of everything that could have happened to her if she hadn't left, the fragility of human life. But what scared him more was the fragility of humanity.