Everything I Never Told You ( Conan Gray )

LXXVIII. Trials That Failed

Maybe I am attracted to women. 

"Are you gonna kiss me or what?" Micah asked the girl whom she had pressed against the wall. It was some party. She wasn't sure who had thrown it, probably Noah because he was very interested in who came in and who left. 

The girl shrugged as if she hadn't her and she didn't give a fuck. 

She kissed her, a little too hard at first because the girl squirmed under her touch, and pushed her. Micah felt her lips against the girl in sync but she didn't like it. There was no electricity, like she felt with boys. But then again this girl wasn't the most attractive in the room. Lim slid her tongue in the girl's mouth, earning a stifled moan from her. She touched the inside of her mouth with her tongue, dominating the kiss. 

"Would you give me your number?" the girl asked, wide eyed. 

"I am sorry," Lim said, kissing her again, hoping to find the least bit of attraction. She pulled away. She left the girl near the wall, hoping she wouldn't follow her. She didn't. She looked dazed. She probably had a girlfriend. 

Someone bumped against her, spilling their drink against her clothes. 

"Ah-fuck. I am so sorry," the person said and Micah looked up to find a woman who was probably too old to be in college and too old be in a party anyway. She looked like she was in her late twenties or early thirties at most. She had brown hair that were blond at the ends, as if fading. She wore glasses that added a few years to her real age. She was curvy and bigger than all those skinny bastards in the room. But most of all, she was pretty. 

"It's okay," she said, touching the stain. "You should be glad that you spilled that on me. Others would've smashed your brain."

"They do that? For one drink?" she asked, giving her a quizzical look. 

"Not like they have much self control when drunk," she shrugged, remembering the time Noah had got into a fight with some girl over a spilled drink. "You look too old to be in college. No offence."

The woman chuckled lightly, not offended thankfully. "I have a job and a daughter. I just came here for a girl."

"Have you found her?" Lim said, trying to make it sound flirty. 

"I did but she was kissing some other girl," she said, not sounding sad the least bit. "I was hoping someone would entertain me."

"I heard there is plenty of entertainment on the first floor," Micah mused, grinning seductively. "You look like you could use some lying down."

"I could," the woman said, getting the hint.

Micah had twenty five missed calls, sixty unread texts and a bare woman when she woke up. Karla. The woman's name was Karla. That was the only thing she remembered from the night before. She didn't know what had happened but she knew that she had consented it, hoping to find attraction. She hadn't. It had made her feel even more bare. 

Maybe she should accept her situation. She had tried everything. Boys were good but no dating, no holding hands. Women were...great but they made her feel empty. 

She tried not to look at the woman. She shared quite a few things with her last night. Most them she didn't remember but some she did. Her husband was trans, she had gotten divorced. She had an adopted daughter named after some flower...Jasmine? Rose? Lilly? 

"Ah, fuck," she said, almost slipping on the carpet and slamming against the wooden frame. She left quickly, dressed and surrounded with her own thoughts. 

She opened her phone. Checking the list of romantic orientations that fell under aromantic, she stopped in a cafe. She ordered and stared at her phone screen for ten minutes. She wasn't sure if she identified in the spectrum or not. But she wanted to figure it out. God, how would she explain Grams if she were aro? She would call her a rebellious attention seeker. She didn't know what she supposed to do. 

"Fuck, fuck," she muttered under her breath. "Fucking hell."

She had read about all of them, hoping to be demiromantic at the very least. No, she didn't feel she was that either. She crossed it off her mental list. 

Frayromantic. That term was a good label but...

The waitress bought her her coffee. She had sneaked in a glance at her screen and Micah felt self conscious. 

Heath 

Heath: hey

Micah: hey. u had fun w ur bf?

Micah: ;) did u do the deed?

Heath: NO

Heath: I-no just no & we had fun. watched a movie n baked after that

Micah: awww that sounds relaxing 

Heath: it was :)

Micah: i got stuck at a party. it rained

Heath: why didnt u take ur car?

Micah: i pooled w chaima

Heath: n they left u? damn

Micah: yeah, smth like that

Heath: so u got laid

Micah: haha no 

Heath:   ;) stawp lying 

Micah: i am not lying

Heath: okay, i believe u ;)

Micah: i hate that winky emoji

Heath: u do? :0 

Heath: ;0 ;)

Micah: STOP 

Heath: is ur grams around?

Micah called him and he picked up on the first ring. 

"Hi," he said softly. She heard the soft of pit-pat of rain from the other side and realized it had begun raining. "Do you want me to pick you up?"

"No, I will walk," she said, even though she didn't know the neighbourhood. "Don't you have work?"

"I do, I was just gonna leave," said Heath. "I-Conan-"

She heard the sound of kissing on the other side and felt a pang of jealously. Fuck. They were everything she wanted and she couldn't have it.

You're not aro, she told herself. Believe in yourself a little more. 

"Conan stop," Heath laughed and she sighed, sipping her coffee. She heard them giggle softly, murmur something and shuffle against each other. "I am sorry. Would you mind if called you in a few?"

Yes. 

"No, my grams is calling anyways," she said.