Everything I Never Told You ( Conan Gray )

LXXIV. Burden

Heath panicked when he heard soft footsteps approaching the kitchen. He quickly dumped all of his food in the dustbin shaft and placed the plate in the sink creating a slight disturbance. 

Conan didn't even walk into the kitchen. He was probably changing rooms at the other of end of the house. Heath was relieved that he hadn't caught him throw away all of the food they had made. He had lied. It wasn't getting better, it was getting worse everyday. He had skipped three meals and now it was four. He just couldn't eat. He didn't even feel weak anymore, since he wasn't doing anything draining. 

Conan and Micah had found out which was sort of shitty. It was his matter, his mental health shouldn't be their burden. He wasn't something they had to worry about all the the day. He had only been open about it because they were too intrusive. They would worry for no reason. He had to make them feel he was okay. He felt cold all the time. He would have to build up resistance against the cold. Gaining weight was another issue. They would know because he would get even skinnier. He would figure that out later.  

Therapy for it had started yesterday and it was mostly self motivation and body positivity. But Heath wasn't feeling it. He had paid the guy to talk nicely to him, it wasn't the same. Of course the therapist would say things like, 'You're enough', 'Your boyfriend won't think that surely'. He loved Conan but a part of him felt that maybe he would like him better if he were thinner and taller. Conan would find anyone better than him, wouldn't he? Heath wouldn't even be mad at him if he cheated or broke up. Conan was...Conan and amazing. Heath was boring as fuck. 

"Warm showers to kill the disgusting and sweaty airport smell," Conan smiled as he walked into the kitchen wearing shorts and a tank top. His hair had settled onto his head because they were wet, sticking to his neck and the rest of his face. "Hi."

"Hi," Heath said, wondering why he existed in the world anymore. 

"Did you eat?" he asked, glancing at the plate in the sink. 

"Yeah," he lied and hated himself for it. He feared he would make him worry even more in the end but he had no control. He couldn't even shove a bite down his throat. If tried, he was sure he would throw up. Maybe he would get better before either of them found out. 

"I love you. You know that right?" Conan said and Heath could find himself smiling a little. He wouldn't love him for that long. No one could. 

"I know," he merely said, giving him his most reassuring smile. "I love you too."

It was easy to love someone like him which made him all the more insecure. He wasn't that lovable. Conan said he loved him today but what about the future? Would he still mean it? No one would want to break the heart of a person struggling mentally, especially someone like Conan. He might love him now but there was nothing to say that he would continue to feel so. In a matter of few months, he would start stringing him. And Heath would say nothing which made him a little sad. It scared him, the fact that he needed Conan but Conan didn't need him. He could leave, taking all the happiness with him.

 At these points he wondered if Julian weren't dead how different things would be. Maybe he would still meet Conan but not have feelings for him. He wouldn't in a goddamn mess. He would be happy and Conan would be happy too, untouched by all of his problems. No matter how much he denied it, everyone would be happier with him not around. 

Conan seated himself on a chair, pushing his hair behind his ears. "Do you feel okay?"

"Yeah," Heath said, only partly lying, "I am fine."

Conan looked convinced which made Heath feel weird. He was a terrible liar but all lies were built around a molecule of truth.

"Do you have a diet chart or something?" he asked, both anxious and curious. 

"Just an eating schedule and healthy food," Heath said lightly as if they weren't discussing his disease but having small talk. "I don't have to force myself to follow it. But try to work through it."

"Do you need sweaters or warm clothes or maybe higher temperature-"

"It's fine," Heath said, cutting him off. "I feel fine."

Conan looked at him doubtfully but masked his expression with a satisfied smile. Heath hoped he was convince. He did feel cold but that was probably because he had slept with the window open. It probably wasn't. He should stop lying to himself.

"Are you free on Sunday?" he asked as Heath pushed a coffee mug towards him. 

"It's Sunday," Heath rolled his eyes. "Everyone's free."

"I will take that as a yes," Conan said. Sunday would mark a month of them being official and being walked in on by Micah's grandma. Heath didn't know which was more significant. 

It wouldn't matter how important the day was. Conan would break up with him if this continued. Conan would move on very easily, if there was any moving to do. Heath would fuck off, try not to run into him at Republic. Conan would get a girlfriend, boyfriend or a partner and Heath would...he would try to fix himself. 

Maybe he should break up with him first. He could see the look in Conan's eyes that tells he wishes they had never started dating. He should get it over with. It would be less sad that way. But he couldn't. He couldn't let him go. He was in love with him far too much and he wants to keep him around for however long he can.