Everything I Never Told You ( Conan Gray )

LVII. It's Only You

Heath jerked up beside him, breathing heavily and sweating bullets only in spring. They had somehow fallen asleep, listening to Lorde, on the small couch in Heath's room. Well, it was more like Heath had fallen asleep and Conan had creepily stared at him the entire time. He looked like a child again. He had looked calm and tension free unlike he did now. 

He had a feverish look on his face, his eyes widened like saucers, his knuckles entirely white and stiff. He looked like he had summoned a demon in sleep. 

"You okay?" Conan asked, groping for the light switch on the wall. His hand hit in and he switched it on. He was so sleepy, he couldn't even be bothered to feel flustered that he was wearing a tank top and he could see the imprint of his body on it. 

"I-I am," he stammered, not looking at him. His eyes were flickering across the room as if searching for something. Conan low key wanted to ignore everything and just go back to sleep on the uncomfortable couch but the fear in his eyes unlocked something inside him. 

"My throat feels like it's on fire," he said, getting up and leaving the room. Probably for water. He came back in a minutes, very much awake and all the sleep in his eyes had vanished. 

"You can take the bed," he told him and Conan could feel his insides squirm. "I will take the living room couch."

Conan felt the happiness in his stomach dim. "Hey, is everything okay?"

"Yes," Heath said, looking at him nervously like they didn't like each other and he was a complete stranger he was wary to tell the truth to. "It's cool, Conan."

"You look like you had a bad dream," he said, truthfully. The only reason he could look so tired and scared from sleep was a bad dream. "You can sleep beside me. I don't mind."

"No, it's okay," Heath said shrugging a little. "I-"

"I mean it, Heath," Conan said, wanting him to open up. "I really don't mind. Besides, you seem like you had a really bad nightmare. There's no way you will get sleep on the couch." 

Heath looked a little hesitant and very reluctant to the idea. He lingered over the threshold, probably debating what to do. In the end, he decided to sleep on the bed. Conan laid beside him, feeling anxious. Something had happened and he wouldn't tell him. How bad can a dream get? Worse than real life because even though it's your brain, it feels like someone else is controlling it. 

"What happened?" he asked him, turning on the other side to face him. "You can tell me."

"I saw Julian," he said sadly. He didn't look like he was about to cry but more so that he felt like dying. Conan never asked him questions about Julian, not because he would get jealous but because he felt like Heath would get sad, missing him. 

"What was he like in real life?"

"He was just himself," Heath said, closing his eyes. "He took serious things as a joke and jokes as something very serious. He laughed a lot. Used a lot of self roasts but never meant them. It was hard to get him flustered or embarrassed. He told the truth but wouldn't be mad when someone else didn't."

"He sounds wonderful," Conan said and Heath smiled weakly. He didn't think he was good enough or comparable to Jules. He hoped Heath would love him as much. Though Conan always said he would want Heath to be happy his whole life, what he meant was that he wanted to be his happiness. Well, if it didn't happen, Conan could always move on. Like Heath was doing right now, hopefully. 

"He was wonderful," he said without hesitation, as if thinking of a warm memory. The dimple on his cheek was getting more prominent by the day and Conan wasn't sure whether it was natural or something else. "I didn't expect you to bring him up so readily."

"I don't mind," he said honestly, tracing patterns on the ceiling with his eyes. Had he ever sounded jealous of the Julian? "I know you were in love and I am fine with it."

"I meant I didn't expect anyone to bring him up," he said softly like it was a story. "Even Lim and therapist guy hesitate to bring him up. But you don't."

"Is that a good thing?" he asked, doubtful of what he was trying to say. Facts could only explain so much. 

"It's a great thing," he said and Conan felt at ease once more. "It's different and feels right. Sometimes I feel like everyone expects me to forget his face but someone like him, don't you think he deserves to be remembered, in memory at least?"

"I don't think anyone deserves to be forgotten," Conan said truthfully. "And if he is as amazing as you say, then definitely no."

He could feel that Heath had calmed down beside him. His breathing was normal, the fear in his eyes had disappeared, taken over by a content expression. He was opening up again and felt more comfortable around him. 

"What did you see in your dream?" he asked, suddenly remembering the ordeal. Heath's face turned a little pale but he spoke. 

"He was shouting at me and blaming me for his death," he said quickly, probably wanting to throw a rug over it.

"You don't believe that, do you?" Conan asked, dreading the answer. It would be a kick to the gut if he agreed with whatever he had seen in his dream. 

"I don't but that's not the only thing h...the thing in my dream said," he admitted meekly, looking away the moment Conan glanced at him to see his expression. It was hard to see anything in the dark but the flicking of his bright eyes was easy to catch. "It told me it was wrong for me to like you."

A horrible thought occurred to Conan. "Wait, what if that's your suppressed self telling you things you have buried deep inside?"

"No," Heath said impatiently, almost sounding like a whining child, "I know what I want. I know that I like you, okay? And nothing can change that."

"But what if I like someone else?" he asked, obviously joking but Heath seemed doubtful of as to whether he was serious or not.

"I am monogamous so that will be a huge, 'fuck you'," Heath said and Conan laughed loudly. Heath looked taken aback, probably wondering why he found that so funny. 

"This is all very amusing and romantic," Lim's voice echoed through the hall and door, "But I have my quantum physics final tomorrow, so could you both shut the fuck up?"

"But really," Conan said in a while. He thought Heath was asleep but he wasn't, "It's only you...and Taylor Swift and Lorde and Harry Styles."

Heath smiled at the joke and they feel asleep facing each other.