Aching Hearts // Draco Malfoy fanfiction

52

-

Healing what is not broken is not for the faint hearted.

-

The ministry finally believed Voldemort was back.
Umbridge had been suspended.
Dumbledore had been made headmaster again.

But nothing anyone said or did could fix the pain I was in.
Nothing I have ever experienced was as painful as losing Sirius.

When I got back to Hogwarts everybody flooded me with questions, questions I didn't want to answer, questions I couldn't answer.

Instead, I just spent my remaining time at the school, locked in my dorm, doing nothing but staring at my wall.

Everything I did reminded me of Sirius, reminded me how he was gone now.

Draco tried constantly talking to me, but I couldn't find myself to speak to him, not after what his aunt and father did.

I knew it wasn't his fault, but seeing him would only remind me of the pain I was in.

Of course, he didn't understand that, and he didn't have to, I just wished he hadn't knocked on my door that afternoon.

I didn't answer, but yet the blonde still walked through the door.
He slowly sat on my bed looking down at my useless self.

"El, you have to eat," he said softly.
I turned my head the other way, burying my face in the soft green pillow in front of me.

"No," I said, my words muffled by the pillow.
Draco let out a sigh before stroking my thigh.

I winced at his touch, wishing he would stop because if he continued I couldn't keep my facade up.

"Then take a shower," he said calmly.
I really did want a shower, but the thought of leaving my bed wasn't as tempting as taking a shower.

I didn't answer which led to him letting out another long defeated breath.
Suddenly his arms pulled me off the bed, and he held me up while making his way towards the common room.

I didn't have the strength to yell at him, or even doing anything really.

When I made my way to the common room, Blaise, Pansy, and Theo shot up from their seat.

"Elaine! How are you?"

"I'm so sorry about what happened"

"Is there anything we can do?"

They kept flooding me with questions.
I groaned as I snuggled my head in the crook of Draco's neck, wishing that this was all a nightmare.

"Calm down, she doesn't need everyone reminding her" Draco spat before making his way towards the bathroom.

He locked the door and looked at me with pleading eyes.
I didn't know what he wanted before he walked towards me, and began taking my clothes off.

I didn't resist, knowing he wouldn't do anything.

I stood completely naked in front of the blonde, and I could see he had a hard time concentrating.

"God what happened to you" he mumbled as he studied the bruises spread across my pale skin.

"Come on" he ordered as he helped me towards the bathtub.
I felt so miserable and weak, I couldn't even bathe myself.

The warm water touched my body and I relaxed into the touch.

Draco began washing my hair, trying to cheer me up, but in reality, nothing could cheer me up.

I couldn't help but wonder if he knew what his family had done, or who they were.
It didn't seem like it since he was only worried about me.

Instead, I just asked him.
"What is wrong with me?"

Which to he answered.
"Nothing, you're grieving"

-

The five stages of grief.

Denial.
I didn't want to believe Sirius was gone. I couldn't get myself to believe it.
So instead I slept my days away, hoping it was all a long nightmare that would end if I slept it away.

Anger.
No one could get through to me.
I didn't want to hear them, I didn't want to listen.
Why was Sirius gone, why not me.
Why was everything a train wreck, and why couldn't I get out of the horrendous depression loop I was in.

Bargaining.
I felt so helpless.
I knew no matter what I said, it wouldn't bring him back, but I still wanted to cope with the pain, so I kept asking.
"If I do good will it bring him back?"
"If I begin to believe in god will he take my pain away?"
"Will any drug or substance be able to cure me?"

Depression.
All it ever seemed like lately was depression.
I processed what had happened, which made me miserable.
The thought I had always been afraid of finally became true, and that's when I felt like everything would be better if I would just die.
It was the kind of cold no warm weather could fix.
I was the kind of tired no sleep could fix.

Acceptance.
A stage I hadn't yet reached.
A stage I wasn't sure I would ever reach.

-

As the school year ended, I got better.
Not a lot to say the least, but at least I could bathe myself and feed myself without having a breakdown.

I kept distancing myself from Draco, and it hurt me, but it was for the best.

I didn't want to hurt the boy I loved by telling him what his family had caused, but I didn't want to hurt me either by not letting him know.

So I didn't do anything.

Looking back it probably wasn't the smartest choice, but I didn't have the strength to do so at the time.

Harry handled it all better than me, he could smile and laugh, which I hated him for, but deep down I knew he was just as sad as me - I just couldn't hide it as well.

Voldemort was back, and it was only a matter of time before he would strike again.

But this time I had nothing to lose.

And that is the most dangerous quality to have.

-

End of Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix.