A look inside Jane
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Smile. Wave. Look at that camera. Then that one. Greet the fans. Send a heart. Say a few kind words. Keep smiling.
Jane wiped the steamed mirror with her hand, staring at herself. They had a new album coming out, a new music video they were shooting. She was living with her boyfriend. She had the seven best friends a girl could ask for. She wasn't struggling to make ends meet.
So, why?
Why?
Why does it feel like none of that mattered?
Why does she feel so empty inside?
Every smile.
Every wave.
Every camera.
It's not bringing her joy. Like it used to. Like it should.
Had she outgrown this? Not a chance. She still loved what she did, she still loves her fans. She still likes filming videos and dressing up in different outfits for the different concepts. So, why? Why does it seem like happiness—even numbness—is something that isn't attainable?
She had trained for this. She knows how to plaster a smile on her face. She knows how to act what is deemed as 'normal' for idols. She knows that. But why is it that it seems so hard to even pretend and act that everything is fine?
That there isn't this dark hole swallowing her whole and pulling her away from the brightness of the world. The world where her friends are. Her boyfriend. Dancing.
She feels as if she could claw her skin until it bleeds and still, there would be nothing for her to feel. She doesn't usually like being alone but right now, that's all she wants. She doesn't want to go out into the world. She doesn't want to pretend. She doesn't want to be around her friends or boyfriend.
When was the last time she had checked her phone? Had she even turned it back on? There was no time to think anymore. Kihyun had told her five minutes ago they're leaving in ten so, she needs to slip her clothes on and get moving. Especially if it keeps one of them from coming to nag her.
Then she's at the music video set. The makeup artists are talkative today, more than usual she thinks. It's like she's underwater, barely grasping the words that are being spoken. She's not even sure if they're speaking to her or to each other. She's already had to ask a few times for her stylist to repeat something.
Then she's in her costume, telling the stylist that everything is fine. Because everything is fine. It has to be. There's no reason for her to be this way. To feel this way. She'd been avoiding Changkyun's gaze and presence all morning. She'd hope to be occupied by the staff that he wouldn't have a chance to grab her and talk to her. At least not here.
What would she even say?
'I'm not happy?'
'I feel empty?'
'Why am I even here?'
Out on set, they're all in position. The music starts and flows through her body but instead of the rush of adrenaline she usually feels; instead of the joy and the relaxation that flows through her body, she feels nothing. Her body moves on autopilot.
She isn't sure how long the music plays for, she doesn't even know how she managed to get all her parts right. She could barely hear the music over the sound of her own brain. The sound of her own thoughts. Garbled words, garbled talking. She only hoped they'd be luck today and do everything in one take. That never happens though.
By the time lunch rolls around, Jane can't even remember the last time she had eaten anything. Did she eat this morning? Yesterday? The day before? Why can't she remember? Why does it feel like her body is shutting down and her brain is blocking out anything that needs remembering? She doesn't eat. She doesn't feel hungry.
Then, they're back on set again. Dancing, singing. Jooheon, Hyungwon and Changkyun are fooling around as they fix the lighting. Kihyun and Minhyuk seem to be talking about something serious only to themselves. She figures it's about her when Minhyuk thinks he steals a glance towards her that she can't see. And where is she?
Standing here, still in position, just waiting. For something. For anything. For words to come out and tell them that she doesn't know what's wrong, but she can't do this today. That she doesn't want to do this today. That she's not sure she wants to do it all. But she stays silent, waits for everyone to get back into position.
Patiently waits for the director to shout action.
Patiently waits until Changkyun finishes his rap.
Patiently waits for the camera to pan over to her for her part.
Then she smiles. Just like she was trained to do.
