The Advice Column V

812

Advice Request
This person stopped cuddling and hand holding with their friend.

Answered Submission
Hello again dear,

There's a saying, "Hindsight is always 20/20", which refers to the idea that we always see a situation clearer on the other side looking back. It's why we regret things after the fact; because things seem so much more obvious when we're past them. It sucks, but it is an experience you will likely go through many times throughout your life. Unfortunately, what's done is done. You can't really take it back. As much as you may miss the cuddling and hand-holding, you set boundaries that now you both have to follow. That's okay. It may not seem like the most ideal situation right now, but in my honest opinion, I think it is for the best.

You like Goop. And he obviously likes you, and it has been stressing you out. You care about him a lot, but right now you are not in a place to reciprocate those feelings. You may like him romantically in some way, but it seems like you primarily see him as a friend. By cuddling and holding hands and partaking in non-sexual forms of intimacy while he sees your relationship as romantic and you do not, you run the risk of stringing him along. You just told him that you need to set this boundary because your feelings do not match his, nor the implications of the actions for which the boundary is being set. By recanting that boundary or by stepping over it outright, you are effectively giving Goop a heavy helping of mixed signals that will thoroughly confuse him and his feelings. Just as it was not fair to expect you to label a relationship as romantic when you don't feel that way, it is unfair to Goop to expect him to just go with your flow when his heart is on the line just as yours is.

I am very proud of you for following through and communicating your feelings to Goop. Now, you have to continue that track based on the boundaries that have been set. You reap what you sow, love, even when you regret it afterward. Either way, I still think this was a good thing for both of you. This gives you some time to figure out your own feelings. Do you like Goop romantically, or did you just feel comfortable around him in a platonic way? Do you like cuddling and holding hands because you like him that way, or because you like cuddling and holding hands and you feel comfortable enough with him to do so? This is a good time for you to reevaluate, and figure out where you stand in this relationship, and whether or not you want to stay in it. I am not suggesting that you end your relationship with Goop, but rather that you evaluate whether or not you see yourself ever being romantically involved with him. If you can't see yourself in a happy, healthy relationship outside friendship, then you can determine whether or how you want to close that possibility with him and restrict your relationship to the boundaries of friendship, which is an important and fulfilling relationship on it's own.

I hope this helps, hun. Message us again anytime!

Stay Strong,
The Advice Column Team