The Advice Column V

868

Advice Request
This person feels that their online friend is faking their emotions and is confused whether to mention this to them or not.

Answered Submission
Hey!

We have different personas for every aspect of our lives — school, home, work, online, etc. — and what you're likely seeing is your friend's online persona. Your friend probably acts differently online than in-person. And that's pretty common. Everyone has a separate side of themselves they show online. I have an online persona, your friend has one, and you probably have one too.

Now, you also have to understand that not only are text and VC, online, and real-life completely different, but the slang and personalities we convey in them are quite different as well. A lot of the language we use in text form doesn't translate to what we really think, how we speak, and how we react.

Take your example of "LOL." By definition, it's a text acronym for laugh-out-loud. However, its use has greatly expanded and has been very widespread over the last few years. Now, not only is LOL typically used for laugh-out-loud or comedic effect, but it is also used for playing down aggressiveness or coldness, a filler word, self-deprecating humor, the alternative to "ok", a stylistic choice, the list goes on and on. Some acronyms, like LOL, are typically just used in text and have no value or reaction as a word. This can be observed in other elements, particularly in text.

For example, if you type in ALL CAPS, that indicates you're either yelling or very excited. If you type in all caps, are you actually yelling in real life? Most of the time, no you're not. You're only typing that way to emphasize a point/emotion, a stylistic choice (you just may like to type in caps for the aesthetic or something), or for something else — either way, all caps have no value in your real-life persona. It’s the same for LMAO, it's the same for LOL. When people use that word in a text, they may not actually be laughing in real life.

Apply this reasoning to your friend. In your friend's case, it sounds like he uses LOL frequently without any thought. He may not even know that he does it sometimes — using specific acronyms may be a habit for him. LOL has little value in one's real life and is often overused. Just because he texts the acronym, LOL, doesn't mean he'll necessarily find something funny or actually be laughing.

I hope that cleared up things with LOL and text language/slang like it! As for confronting him about it, I don't suggest it, at least for right now. I implore you to ponder deeper about why your friend and his emotions seem so fake. Is it how he types? The wording he uses? How he presents himself — the persona he uses? What he shares with you? Or it is the nitty-gritty things like LOL that bother you the most? Get to the bottom of why something about your friend rubs you the wrong way, the emotions you have when he does/says it, and why you have them. Numerous emotions such as anger, jealousy, resentment, sadness, stress, etc. can influence how we perceive things, and more often than not, we end up projecting some of those emotions toward our thought process. Your past communication issue might also be influencing how you perceive certain actions and words, too.

The thing I want you to take away is that online and real-life, text and speaking, are very different, and we have personas for each. Please don’t take it to heart if your friend doesn’t react the same in the VC as in text. He doesn’t mean anything by it, and he most certainly isn’t doing it to make you feel a bit uncomfortable. I suggest letting nitty-gritty things like this be for now. Is it having a harmful influence on your life? On his life? Probably not. If it escalates to a point where this behavior is even more strange to you or his “fakeness” seems toxic and is negatively influencing you, then that is when you confront him and ask why he does it. Be genuine, transparent, and calm; there’s no need for making things more complicated than they need to be. It’s important to have clear communication to compromise and set up those boundaries of what makes you both uncomfortable.

I hope this helps and feel free to contact us anytime!

Best,
The Advice Column Team