The Advice Column V

917

Advice Request
This person's friend has identified themselves as a therian and this is affecting them

Answered Submission
Hello,

Your request is certainly unique, that's for sure. You've been supportive of your best friend's therian identity and tolerant of their choice in presentation, but recently it has begun to affect your home life and your and your best friend's reputation within your community. I can understand your concern. Now, before we get into it, I want you to ask yourself a question, and think about it for a minute. Chew on it (for a bit of comedic irony). Where does it end?

You've been tolerant and supportive thus far, but where does it end? Her behavior within this identity is evolving. Where does it end? There is a line for everything, love. Where does it end? Because at some point, you need to confront the fact that this isn't just going to go away. She has adopted this identity and lifestyle and has kept to it for years. It's not a phase you can just wait out. Especially not if it is being enabled.

Being tolerant of other people is a good thing. I firmly believe that people should be loving and kind, and should not discriminate on the basis of race, religion, sexuality, etc. But being tolerant doesn't mean you have to sit by and watch your best friend engage in dangerous behavior. This is not about her pretending to be an animal. School children run around on the playground pretending to be animals all the time, but when it's time to go back inside, they drop the act. Kids dress up like animals for Halloween every year, but when they take off the costume, they don't still act like cats. It's escapism. It's play, it's pretend. The issue is that your friend has forgotten the difference. It is no longer a phase. It's no longer a fantasy. She is actively trying to turn escapism into her reality, and that is severely dangerous. Where does it end?

Barking at a fire hydrant is odd, and I can imagine it was terribly embarrassing for you as her best friend and roommate who may or may not have to interact with the other people in your community who witnessed her outburst. What happens when she decides she wants to live her life as an animal full-time? Is she going to quit or lose her job? Because animals can't work. Is she going to start eating dog food? Is she going to ask you to buy it for her, or is she going to go to the store and buy it herself? Because dogs can't go grocery shopping. Whether she wants to believe it or not, she is not an animal. She cannot be owned. She can't be walked around on a leash in public (there are laws about that in most places). She is not a pet. She is a person, and what started as escapism has become destructive and will continue to be.  She is going down a track that is not conducive to any kind of human life.

Sweetheart, it is okay to be tolerant. It is good to support your friends, but where does it end? Because if you truly care about her, something needs to be done. You are not being a good friend by letting her lose herself. By simply tolerating this behavior, you are passively enabling destructive tendencies that will not sustain a healthy lifestyle for either of you. You can't live with a person who acts like a dog (and an ill-mannered one at that if she's barking at fire hydrants). She can't live as an animal. This behavior is a dangerous and a clear cry that something is wrong. Some need is not being met. She needs love and support, but you need to understand that letting her keep on like this is not loving her well and it is not supporting her mental or physical well-being. This is someone you care about. She is your best friend. At what point are you contributing to her demise? Again, where does it end?

Her behavior is not your fault. Her mental health is not your responsibility. But as her best friend, you are responsible for how you choose to respond, and your current course of action has not helped either of you. If something doesn't change, your relationship is going to suffer (you're already debating cutting her off), and there is a solid chance that her health (mental and/or physical, likely both) is going to decline. She needs help. A hard conversation needs to be had, hon, and you need to stand your ground on the matter. Ultimately, if she chooses not to do anything about it or to ignore you or cut you off and "intolerant" or "a bad friend" then that's on her. But it would be better to let her be mad at you for a moment than to let her continue in her destructive path enabled and supported. I have never been a fan of "interventions," but I recognize that sometimes they are necessary. I think this is one such case. If possible, it might also be beneficial to reach out to her family for help as well. This is not something she can get over on her own. She needs a support system around her that loves her and cares about her well-being. She also likely needs counseling to understand the underlying reasons for this behavior and to aid in her healing journey. But, love, you can't keep quiet about this any longer. Not if you love her.

I wish there was more I could do to help, dear. I sincerely hope this has been insightful though, and feel free to message our humble online advice column again anytime.

Best,
The Advice Column Team