The Advice Column V

890

Advice Request
This person has feelings for two of their male friends.

Answered Submission
Hello,

So you have two people you like. One has a bit of a checkered reputation and the other is directing you away from them due to personal (not unlikely self-esteem) issues. This is certainly quite the situation.

As an individual, you are worth someone who will love you and treat you well. If you worry about how person A might behave in a relationship due to past experiences with him or knowledge of his past behavior in general, then you need to decide whether the potential "reward" is worth the risk. Is dating him what you want? Do you like him enough as a person to risk your heart knowing his pattern of behavior? Are you looking to date around for fun, or do you want something more serious and exclusive? These are all important questions to ask yourself.

On the other hand, you have person B who is pushing you away because they say they "don't think they’re worth you loving them." This is a red flag. Yes, it could be, and likely is, tied to self-esteem issues, but unfortunately, it is very common in relationships with people who say those kinds of things for their emotional well-being to be weaponized. They often push people away because they "don't deserve" their partner and because they don't want to get hurt first. And their partners, often empathetic, highly compassionate people (even more often people pleasers) will run back to them to comfort them and make them feel better. Self-esteem issues are not necessarily a red flag for a relationship, but they can become one, especially if one person becomes responsible for the other's emotional well-being in the process. I'm sure your friend is a lovely person, but it sounds like they are not ready for a romantic relationship at this point in their life. That's okay. They need to help themselves first and work on their own confidence and self-love before seeking out a romantic relationship. That is also an inference on my part that may or may not turn out to be true.

Ultimately, I encourage you to think about what you want and whether dating is a terrain you want to traverse right now. Think about the people you like, but evaluate yourself too. Are you ready to date? Why do you want to date right now? I hope this helps, love. Best of luck, and message us again anytime!

Best,
The Advice Column Team.