My Cup Of Coffee

Chapter 37

I told her, she knows. Not only did I out my self just like that. But I potentially ruined whatever it was we had. She remained silent and sat back in her seat. Avoiding my eyes. I stayed terribly still. Regretting what I had said the second those words left my lips. Not only did I want to take it back but I wanted to run far away from here. From the girl who seems to be the only to make feel wonderful things. The only one who can make me second guess every single little I do.

“Don’t even” I said when she opened her mouth. “You won, no need to make me much more of a fool than I already am. You got what you wanted from me.” I say. Clearly giving up. Again she didn’t say anything. So in pure embarrassment I got up, leaving my cup of coffee and made my way up the stairs. Calmly entering my room until I closed the door behind me. Making sure no one could see me.

I didn’t cry. I didn’t yell. Much less did I throw a fit. The only thing I did was sit against the door. Really needing Irene at the moment. The one time I have good expectations for her and I. All I wanted to do was converse happily with the girl but this happened. A mess. A bloody mess. Not much different from who I am. I can’t even decide if I want to get married. Yet I’m going to do it anyways. Because I cannot speak up for myself.

But I’m able to tell the girl how I feel. I’m able to yell at her and tell her what’s on my mind. Because I feel safe with her. I’m scared of Sehun, he can be aggressive sometimes. Lately since he’s introduced me to the girl, he seems to have some rage within him. Becoming more impatient. Fighting with her. If I told him about the girl and I, I’m more afraid about what he will do to her. I’m making myself believe that I love him. I will not deny the fact that I can’t feel safe around him any longer. He never once made me feel anything the girl had made me feel. And that’s where the problem is. Something I can’t control for the life of me.

I spent the rest of the time it took Irene to arrive, right here Maybe an hour, two maybe even less than that. But it felt like an eternity. All I could think about was the look in the girl’s eyes after what I had said. She didn’t look happy nor upset. But conflicted. Not knowing how to react. How would she? If she doesn’t feel the same way she probably thought of me as a vulnerable idiot. And if she does in fact feel the same way, why didn’t she say so? Because it would lead to even more conflict. It’s like I know what she’s thinking, but at the same time I don’t.

-

“You told her what?” Irene loudly exclaimed.

“That I have feelings for her. She asked and I couldn’t keep it within me so there it goes.” I threw my hands up on the air. Dramatically sitting down. Too early in the morning for this.

“Roseanne she knows you have feelings for her” Irene reminded me. “As in that you like her romantically. Before your wedding.”

“I know” I say deeply exhaling. Not yet processing everything that has gone down “I know that” my hands ran down from thighs to my knees then up in anxiousness. “I’m an idiot” my head rested on her shoulder.

And for the longest time, it felt like nothing ever happened. As if I was back at my apartment. Staying true to Sehun. Never having met the girl. And that thought made me feel uneasy. I will not deny meeting the girl was one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. The thrill and excitement is unmatchable with her. She made me realize my life was so boring and plain without her. And now it’s a whole mess. One that I wouldn’t wish to undo.

As usual, breakfast went on. The girl had gone of somewhere after speaking with me. Not having come back yet. And I didn’t expect her to. Always running away from her problems. Whenever she says something hurtful or we get in an argument she’s no longer heard from. Most likely about ready to go out with another girl. But everything Lisa told me last night contradicts that. Everything was just so confusing I barely even had an appetite for breakfast. The second Sehun greeted me I avoided kissing him. Making it obvious to everyone in the room. I didn’t want to do that.