My Cup Of Coffee

Chapter 63

The next two weeks were the same exact thing, Sehun didn't notice my ring being gone, much less how distant I was being with him. Every single day I have pondered about telling him the truth and whenever the time comes, I back out. When we sleep he wraps an arm over my body, it keeps me awake just thinking about how wrong everything is. If anything had been on my mind, it's her. She hadn't texted nor called me, I didn't expect her to. Something is missing without her.

I've met with Irene and Hyuna a few times, Jennie has talked to me but none of them ever mentioned Y/n. I don't want or need them to, my thoughts are enough for me. I found myself waking up, having breakfast, editing or reading books. Sometimes I go out for a walk and when Sehun gets home we have dinner and talk about his work, sometimes he plays the piano other times we watch a movie and call it a night.

It's January 22 and it's just as uneventful as all the days I've spent back home. I thought that maybe Sehun would lighten up and be more different but he remains the same. Ever since I've told him about Jinsoul he hasn't spoken on the topic. Now I was sitting on our porch, the snow was melting away by the day but the sky remained grey. There was nothing else to do but look at the clouds slowly moving as the air hit against my body. Constantly, I had to move my hair to the side, they were getting a bit too long.

-

To my surprise, a little after I headed inside he had arrived, Sehun was home early today and came inside with flowers for me. I had been pulled into a hug and he then kissed me cupping my face with his very cold hands. He wore a bright smile as he placed the flowers in a vase with water telling me he had plans for tonight. I was more than happy to not spend another afternoon locked inside. Whatever the plans are, its a surprise, all I was told was to wear something nice and warm, so that's exactly what I'm doing.

My body stood in front of the mirror, I look weak. Had he noticed it? These past nights I keep waking up so suddenly, how does he not feel it? He has his arm around me but doesn't feel my heavy breathing or panicked movements when I wake up. We live together but he doesn't notice what's wrong with me, because he's never around. We're closer to strangers than husband and wife. This isn't at all what I imagined when I said yes to his proposal.

As expected, Sehun took me to yet another fancy dinner. The menu was expensive but it didn't have any dishes that looked good enough to eat, but I still ordered confidently as if I have been here many times before. Sehun told me we would go to an orchestra today, an orchestra. Those were his exciting plans. Of course I gave him a wide smile, I enjoy watching people play instruments after all. He also mentioned ending the day in the best way.

We've been married for over a month, together for over two years and we haven't made love. I'm afraid to admit to him that I'm scared. And it's not my fear preventing me from doing so, it's the fact that I know I don't feel the same way I used to. Everytime we kiss I force my self to enjoy it. I promised to make him happy and stay with him but I can't bare the thought of this being the rest of my life. I don't know what I want. But I can't leave him, he's the only other form of safety that I have other than my friends and Alice. Even then, I fear that he'll get violent if I tell him the truth.

"How's the food tonight?" The same waiter who took our orders widely smiled looking between the two of us waiting for an answer.

It's horrible. "Delicious" I lightly nodded with a smile. "Can we also have some red wine? Please and thank you"

Sehun looked at me with a puzzled look and before he protested against it, the waiter agreed and left.

"Why do you need wine?"

"I like it"

All he did was hum along then proceeded to eat. Perhaps I was a bit too rude with my tone and short answer, my patience has begun to run low. I feel exhausted, these past two weeks have been draining, yet I haven't done anything. My state of well being is changing and I don't know how to help myself. I've even stopped taking my pills due to the fact they don't change anything.