My Cup Of Coffee

Chapter 78

During the funeral ceremony, all Y/n did was hold me and cry into my chest. The cemetery was filled with close friends and family. Once the casket was pushed down beneath the earth, Y/n walked away from me and everyone else and headed to my car. She hadn't said anything since we got here, and neither had I. All I could do was be here for whatever she needed and even then, it wasn't enough.

In the car, I found her looking out towards the crowd with saddened and exhausted eyes. Y/n took out a pack of cigarettes for the first time since that day on my balcony, I didn't protest or say anything about it and just allowed her to do so. The drive home was painful, I've noticed how hard she tries to push me away then desperately holds on to me.

She threw out her cigarette at arrival, got off and walked inside with her hands in her pockets. I stayed back in my car deciding to give her the space she needed. A few weeks ago, I had given her a key to my apartment, nearly everyday she would come in at a random time and spend cherished moments with me. Other times, she came to my apartment after working a late night shift and quietly snuggled into bed with me.

Knowing she was inside and that she needed time to herself, I got back in my car and picked up what she always loved to eat after a hard day at a work; Mac and cheese from the diner. I highly doubt she would eat any, but it's worth it if it brings even the smallest smile to her face.

All the lights in my apartment were off, it was dead silent and the only sign of her being here was her shoes at the entrance. I left the bag of food on the counter and quietly walked into my room. There she was, holding her knees in a hug, staying perfectly still.

"Are you hungry?" I softly asked beginning to lower my body down towards my mattress, "I picked up some Mac and cheese, you need to eat something"

"Later", she said.

"Okay", I tried my best to sound somewhat uplifting but seeing her this way made me feel horrible. My feet turned around wanting to head towards the kitchen until she weakly spoke up again.

"Don't go"

I didn't take a second longer to gently climb into the mattress and wait for her to turn her body around and find itself enveloped in my arms. Y/n absolutely hates staying in bed for too long. She hates it until it's 7am on a Sunday morning and it's just the two of us on my floor mattress with the most beautiful view of the city. She hates it until it's 6pm on any weekday and she visit me after work. Y/n hates it until it's us.

Night came and she had long been asleep. I don't know how much time passed, we laid in complete silence. I hated her silence more than her cries, I hated her silence much more than her rude remarks. When she is silent, her walls slowly begin to build up again. I'm afraid these past two months of building a relationship with her will just vanish when she wakes up and decides to completely push me away.

-

The next day she skipped work and we ate reheated Mac and cheese with coffee. Again, not much was said between the two of us all morning long. She hadn't even looked up from her bowl of food and slowly ate. I watched her get up, go out to the balcony and light up a cigarette. From here, I observed as she tiredly leaned against the balcony exhaling a cloud of smoke then another and another.

Blue morning skies became painted by the color of grey from Y/n's cigarette. Clouds were heavy carrying rain with them, yet she stayed out there underneath the balcony's roof on her second cigarette. I wanted to join her or pull her inside but I stayed sitting by the kitchen counter admiring how her two thin fingers carried her cigarette. Those cigarettes she never took out around me are now given more attention than I. Though I will not be bothered by it, I wish she would talk to me.