I should be your Beta, not your Mate

5 - Mental break-down

During the second break I didn't go to the cafeteria but mounted the stairs until I was on the third floor.

The music room should be empty now which was why I could do something and not get disturbed.

Although it was cold outside, in this small room was still the old musky warm air. A slight smile appeared on my lips as I thought about my old memories. We often practiced in this smelly room.

Sometimes we sat here until the late evening and did something. Sometimes we practiced or wrote a song and lined out covers for songs. Or we only sat in a circle and laughed.

But I wasn't a part of that anymore and I didn't want to be a part again. It was something from my past and I couldn't be the member they wanted me to be.

I closed the door behind me and walked over to the electric guitars. I had one of my own, but I didn't know where it was. Probably somewhere in the basement of our house.

My hand automatically grabbed the black guitar and I connected it with the amplifier. I only played some chords just to look if the guitar was tuned. And it was – Flora always looked after that with the eyes of an eagle.

They were only random chords, but it already sounded like a bewitching melody to my ears.

My eyes looked over to the connected microphone.

I didn't need to sing; I could only stand before it.

Heavily my legs brought me over to the microphone. With trembling fingers, I touched the strings and breathed deeply in and out.

The room was soundproof, and I was thankful for that. A melody appeared in my head and my fingers began to dance. It felt different to play on an electric guitar instead of a normal one. More free – almost wild.

I lifted my head and normally I would start to sing but I could only open my mouth. No sound left my body. My play stopped and I stood there frozen up. I wanted to hit myself for my dumbness.

Why even try if I was already aware of the results?

Since I left the band, I stopped singing. Not because I wanted to but because I couldn't do it anymore. If I tried to sing, no sound left me.

One time I froze up so hard that Sean and Zack needed to hit me with their vampire strength to get me out of my trance. The result was a broken jawbone that healed after some time.

But that I even fell into such a condition made it even harder to try to sing now.

»That sounded good. Why didn't you sing?«

Shocked, I flinched and turned around just to see Lucien leaning against the wall with crossed arms. His quiet soles were a damn curse.

»Because I can't sing.« I put the guitar back in its place and cut off the amplifier.

»I wouldn't say that. Cassian always liked your voice when he heard you sing,« the redhead said and crooked his eyebrows.

»Listen, shrink. You are the Delta and also responsible for the mental condition of the pack members. But I think you didn't listen to me. I can't sing, not anymore.«

Confused, he frowned and pushed himself off the wall. »Are you serious? You can't sing anymore?« Did I talk in Chinese?

»Again, for you,« I snarled.

»I. Can. Not. Sing. Anymore.« I pronounced every single word clearly so even a stupid person could understand.

»Try again. You normally can sing. You only need to get over your mental blockade,« he tried to cheer me up which only backfired.