I should be your Beta, not your Mate

48 - The future is bullshit

»Did you think about what you want to do after your graduation?«

Cas and I walked through the forest. My hands were dug deep into the pockets of my jacket and thought long and hard about his words.

Sure, I had thought about it. After all, I had planned to study in Canada.

If I was still a Beta it may have been possible because my responsibilities wouldn't be as big as now. But as a Luna...

And we even took over the pack...

Of course, I understood that Kenneth and Kiana wanted to hand over the pack to Cas and me - the rules were made like that, that he needed to take over because of his age.

But couldn't they have waited a little more?

We were still in the middle of our preparations for graduation, in addition to that the distance between Cassian and me still wasn't going away.

And it got even bigger after we landed in Canada. I just felt that.

I didn't want to say I owned him – though I could claim ownership because my mark was clearly on his neck – but I could feel how he slipped away further and further.

I couldn't hope for the one true love anymore, I felt that with every passing minute more. And the knowledge tasted bitter.

It tasted even more bitter than when I assisted with an operation and the patient's life slipped away. Everything could go wrong and I still knew every time – every single time – I would do my best so the worst case wouldn't come true.

I clawed myself to my calmness and coordinated every step so nothing went wrong. Sometimes I claimed the operation as my own and saved a patient. Though it was a giant 'NO' for someone who didn't study medicine like the doctors did at a university.

However, the doctors of this hospital still trusted me and always watched over every step I did - as wrong as it was.

They trusted my calm hands and my cool head. They trusted me that I could assess the situation correctly and solve the problem. Irresponsible if you really thought about it...

I was someone who always had to think about everything a thousand times before I acted. Acting on naked emotions was difficult for me. And I knew that I often made life difficult for other people by doing that. But there was nothing I could do about the fact that I had to rethink everything.

Maybe it was because I was afraid of losing control. I couldn't deny that I was scared. Fear of losing the leash in my hands that somehow kept me afloat.

I tried to act logically, although many actions were anything but logical. I clawed myself to the logical assumption, I could solve any problem with enough thinking.

But the problem with Cassian was a problem I couldn't solve.

He didn't love me and I couldn't change that. We may be mates, marked each other and lead our pack as their Alpha-couple now.

However, there was not the love I always hoped to have with my life companion.

I may have said that I would never forgive him and would gladly stay unhappy for the rest of my life. But that changed too quickly.

I had changed. He had changed.

And it scared me terribly how fast everything was going and I had no control over it.

I wasn't able to keep calm. I wasn't able to assess the situation right and I wasn't able to coordinate my next steps correctly. I was fucking scared.

My hands trembled and only the thought that we would stay together for our whole lives and he would never return my love and that broke my damn heart.