This Time Around

Chapter 87 - Layla

Trigger Warning

I am completely blown away by what I'm seeing. We always visit Keo together on his birthday. The family comes and we release balloons. When I got Denise's text saying that we will be meeting alone, I got nervous. Preston had to reassure me that everything was going to be okay.

He reminded me of the goal I set for myself; to work towards getting over Roman and to cope with my son's death more appropriately. Once everyone left to come back home, I had a complete meltdown. Preston is familiar with my meltdowns and usually lets me cry in his arms for as long as I need to.

This time, he brought me to the gym with some boxing gloves. He was my sparring partner. He allowed me to take out all of my anger on him until I couldn't move my arms anymore.

After, he ran us a bath and he held me until the water got cold. I made up my mind that night that I was ready to give him my all. My body, on the other hand, had a different idea. I wanted to call Dr. Jeff to see if fear of sex paralyzes you. That's exactly what my body did. Preston wrote it off as a panic attack. He just fed me strawberries and held me the entire night.

As we get closer to Keo, I notice that something is different. I don't want to assume anything so I continue walking to the area that Paige had set up for us. I guess she must have known that we were going to be having a talk as well. Everything looks strategically placed to provide the most comfort.

I continue past the seating and move towards Keo's resting place. When I get about a foot away from it, I stop walking and the flowers that were in my hand fall to the ground. I can't believe it. I can feel the water leaving my eyes as the uncontrolled tears fall down my face.

"I wanted to do something special for him, for you. It's taken me a while to get all of the details just right. I know that you think, well I have led you to believe that I don't care for Keo as much as my other kids. That's not true. I love him just as much, it's just hard to express that love when I have been guilt-ridden since he died."

I'm staring at the most beautiful hand-drawn picture I have ever seen, sitting over the top of my baby's grave. It's Keo, as a baby, but his eyes are open and he's smiling. Keo never opened his eyes. A nurse told us that when they opened them, they were very light brown. They assumed he would have my unique eyes over time. His dad nailed it.

"I felt like my presence here would cause more pain than healing. I didn't want to bring darkness here. I didn't recall you inviting me here every morning to connect with him. I'm sorry that I missed that moment. I probably couldn't have come every morning, but I would have came a hell of a lot more often.

After his memorial, I knew that I was headed for depression. I didn't need anyone to tell me. I felt like I had failed you, Keo, Asia and the rest of my family. I felt responsible and thought that I should have died instead of him. I wanted to die."

I look over to him and he has tears falling too. He wipes them away and looks back at me.

"Can we have a seat? I would really like to have a conversation about everything. I know this is his birthday, but I think he knows that we need this just as much."

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small packet of tissues.

"Daddy duty never stops, I see."

"Full time dad, even when I'm asleep."

We sat down. There are toys and teddies for Keo from the hospital. Someone will come, have them cleaned and they are donated to a daycare or shelter for women and children.

"Layla, I don't want you to be mad at me, but I understand that you have every right to be."

He rubs the back of his neck and I know that he's nervous.