Can't Let You Go

Prologue:

I was the happiest man alive. My dreams came true--she became mine--and everything was working well for us. I never thought that it was possible for me to feel that way. I never thought that it was possible for me to feel happy, because all my life I believed that life hates me so bad...until I met her.

I love her. I was the happiest. She's mine.

I never wanted it to end, but having her forever is like surviving with no blood at all in your body--impossible. It's against all odds.

"Tristan....Let's break up." She said with a heavy breath.

My world froze on the spot after she uttered those words, and I felt it shatter into pieces right in front of me. I tried to look at her, hoping, praying that what I'll see in her face is nothing but a cruel joke, but...as if life really hates me--what I saw was nothing but a blank face--void of any emotion, and nothing but seriousness.

I tried to speak, but I failed to form any word that can stop her from doing this. I love her. Why is she breaking up with me? Ano pa bang kulang? Handa ko namang ibigay sa kanya ang lahat ah?

Please...Tell me this is just a joke. Dahil tingin ko hindi ko kakayanin kung itutuloy nya ang pakikipaghiwalay nya sa akin. She's my life. I only started living when I met her. At hindi ko kakayanin na mawala sya sa akin. I don't want to go back to not living. Hindi ko kaya, pero bakit parang madali lang sa kanya ang lahat?

"Let's break up. Wala ng patutunguhan ang relasyon natin, Tristan. It's not healthy anymore. It's harming the both of us." She said, looking at me straight in the eyes.

She's cruel. How can she do this? Mahal ko sya. Paano nya nakakayang makipaghiwalay sa akin na parang balewala lang ang lahat sa kanya. Wala ba talaga akong halaga sa kanya? Napahawak ako sa puso ko at ramdam na ramdam ko ang dahan-dahang pagkamatay nun.

"W-why?" I tried to ask with my strained voice. Pilit kong pinipigilan ko ang pagbagsak ng luha ko. Ayokong maniwala. Hindi 'to totoo.

"It's not working anymore, Tristan. It won't work anymore." She simply said, at naramdaman ko ang paulit-ulit na pagsaksak sa puso ko.

I tried to form words to stop her from doing this to me--to us--but I can't. It's like all my coherent thoughts left me at ang pakikipaghiwalay lang nya ang tanging natira sa akin.

"I'll just keep hurting you if we'll continue, just like how I hurt you in the past few days. I know Tristan. Hindi din ako manhid at hindi din ako bulag, alam ko na nahihirapan ka, alam ko na nasasaktan ka. At ayaw kitang masaktan. Ayaw na kitang saktan. At ito lang ang tanging paraan para matigil na ang pananakit ko sayo."

My system panisked with her words, "NO! Don't say that. Jer, nagmamakaawa ako sayo, kung ayaw mo talaga akong saktan wag mong gawin to, wag kang makipaghiwalay. Hindi ko kaya ng wala ka. I don't know how to live without you. I love you way too much that I think I'll just die if one day I'll wake up without you in my life anymore. Jer, please, bawiin mo. Bawiin mo ang sinabi mo." I begged and right now I didn't bother to stop my tears from flowing anymore. Nagbabakasakali ako na pag nakita nya ang luha ko ay itigil nya na ang pakikipaghiwalay nya sa akin.

But, it didn't. She just looked at me blankly, as if she feels nothing with me like this.

"What do you want me to do? Tell me. I'll do it. Do you want me begging on your knees? I'll do it." I frantically asked, and without further ado, I fell on my knees with tears flowing freely from my eyes. "Don't leave me, Jer. Don't break up with me. Ano bang problema? Nakukulangan ka ba? Ano bang gusto mo? Sabihin mo, ibibigay ko. I'll give you the world, just stay with me, Jer."

Her eyes became misty and she looked at me with those misty eyes. I want her to pity me. Gusto ko na kaawaan nya ako hanggang sa hindi nya na ako kayang bitiwan. Hanggang sa makalimutan nyang nakikipaghiwalay sya sa akin. Mahal ko sya at handa akong gawin ang lahat mapanatili lang sya sa tabi ko.

Pilit nya akong itinatayo pero hinigpitan ko ang pagkakakapit ko sa mga tuhod nya, "Tumayo ka na, Tristan. Ayaw kitang makitang ganito...." Pagmamakaawa nya.

Pero hindi ako nagpatinag, hindi ako titigil hanggang hindi nya binabawi ang sinabi nya, "Then, don't leave me. Don't break up with me."

Nabasag ang boses nya at kumawala ang hikbi sa mga lai nya, "I'm sorry.... I'm sorry..... I'm sorry, Tristan." Saglit akong nabuhayan, pero para lang akong pinatikim sandali ng isang bagay na gustong-gusto ko bago yun tuluyang agawin sa akin, "I'm sorry, but I'm breaking up with you." Tapos ay marahas nya akong itinulak mula sa pagkakayakap ko sa mga binti nya na naging dahilan para matumba ako.

Natulala ako sa pagkabigla at wala kong nagawa kung hindi ang titigan lang sya. Don't leave me. Please don't do this to me. But she just looked at me, and for the first time since uttered those dreading words tears fell from her eyes,"I'm... so...rry...."

And she turned her back to me.

"Jer, bakit? Saan ako nagkulang?" Sigaw ko, sa basag kong boses.

She stopped, but she didnt even bother to look back, "Wala, Tristan. Hindi ka nagkulang. You gave me the world. It's just me. Ako ang problema, hindi ikaw."

I tried to compose myself as I try to give her an ultimatum that can change both of our lives, "Is this what you really want? Dahil pagkatapos nito, Jer, wala ka ng babalikan. Hinding-hindi mo na ko mababalikan."

I waited for her answer, but she said nothing and just continued walking--walking away from me.

And just like that I lost her. The love of my life.

We are young but I know that the love I feel for her can last an eternity, because I love her so damn much.

It was painful. So painful that I tried to drown myself with alcohol until I feel numb, until I cannot feel the pain anymore. Every waking moment of my life that's what I did for days. Until she came into my life...

"I can be your friend, your best friend, your sister, or your girlfriend. I'll be whatever you want. Use me at your disposal. Just don't be like this anymore, because you're hurting me, Tristan. You're hurting me..." The she cried. Sincerely. For me.

She came into my life when I thought my life has already ended. She's there. She was always there for me, "Fritzie..."