Can't Let You Go

three:

He brought me to a department store, and even though I have no idea why, I just let him pull me wherever he wants. Then we stopped in the women's section at wala akong ibang nagawa kung hindi ang tignan lang sya ng may pagkalito. 

He looked at me straight in the eyes and he seriously told me, "Get whatever you want... Get outside of he box and be whatever you want."

I raised my eyebrow at him, but he just nodded telling me to go, but I ignored that.  "What's your problem?"

And he rolled his eyes at me, "Get whatever you want. I don't want conventional. I have to buy clothes for someone and you have the same size--she's different, she's unique, she's unconventional, and she's one-of-a-kind--and I want you to get clothes for her. So, go, get her clothes now." He bossily stated.

Ginawa pa akong katulong ng lalaking 'to! Pero dahil wala naman akong magagawa, labag man sa loob ko, sumunod na lang ako.  I tried to make really weird choices para lang asarin s'ya, pero imbes na s'ya ang maasar ako pa ang naasar dahil pinapaulit-ulit nya lang ako at hindi daw kami aalis dun hanggang hindi pa kami nakakapamili. Kaya inayos ko na lang, wala naman sigurong masama kung aayusin ko para naman mapabilis na kami.

He said he wanted unconventional and unique clothes, but that's just not really my style at dahil ayaw nya naman sa mga weird clothes na binibigay ko sa kanya, I just opted to pick the clothes that really attracted me--clothes that are simple and comfortable. I picked shirts, shorts, and pants. They are simple, yet for me there's just something in them that screams unconventional yet attractive. He doesn't seem to mind my choices this time, dahil nakangiti nya lang 'yung tinanggap.

I thought that will be it, kaya nagulat na lang ako ng abutan nya ako ng isang paper bag, "Wear that."

Napakunot ang noo ko, but he didn't say anything and just urged me to follow. I wanted to argue with him, but I know that it'll just be pointless, so I just went to the ladies room and changed my clothes. And when I got out, he gave me a very big smile before we get out of the department store.

He hailed a cab and we went to a very sophisticated restaurant--making me cringe. I stopped walking, not wanting to get inside that expensive restaurant, but he just pulled me again. "What the hell?! I will not get inside that restaurant with this clothes, you stupid! If I just knew that you will bring me here, I would've not changed my clothes. I mean, duh? Shirt and jeans in a five star restaurant?"

He raised his brow at me, "So what? What's wrong with your clothes? That's you. And you don't have to change anything just to fit in. If they have a problem with who you are, then that's their fault, not yours. They would have to adjust, not you. Because you are beautiful just like that, Jeraldine."

And his words hit me like lightning bolt. 

When was the last time I was myself...? I can't even remember. I lost Jeraldine a long time ago, and I can't even remember how she was.

"Remember that, Jeraldine. Don't change for other people." He seriously said before he touched my face, "Let's go." Then he pulled me inside.

 People stopped dead in their tracks when they saw me, looking at me in a very weird way. Carlo said that I should not mind them, that I should just focus on myself, but it's definitely easier said than done. Ang hirap! Ang hirap na hindi pansinin ang mga tao sa paligid mo, dahil kahit anong pilit mo nararamdaman mo pa rin ang titig nila sa'yo.

I was so conscious, I even feel ashamed of what I am wearing because I can see them wearing elegant clothes, but when Carlo noticed my discomfort he confidently held my hand and squeezed it tightly--which made me feel comfortable somehow. I was surprised with what I felt and I can't help but look at him, but he just gave me a very reassuring smile. 

I smiled. I can't help it.  Because, for the first time I genuinely felt happy and comfortable. It's like it is okay to commit mistake, because there's someone to understand me. There's someone who will be there for me, without judging me. There's someone who's asking and wants me to be myself, not someone who's asking me to his second option--his girlfriend's substitute.

When Carlo asked me what I want, I did not hesitate to order steak since it's been a long time since I last ate that and I really am craving for that. He smiled warmly at me, and I cannot help but to smile back at him. Free will--that's what he's giving me. He's giving me options, he's letting me choose. He's asking me to be myself, because he respects me for what I am. 

We're practically strangers but the comfort that he's giving me is more than what I have felt in anybody for a long time. Yes, I have Madj but with all the things that has happened, I know and I feel, that our relationship is already tainted. We are still friends--best friends--and I know that I will still have her no matter what, but our relationship will never be the same no matter how much we try.

I ate heartily. I wasn't afraid to show him the Jeraldine I kept inside for a very long time, and it feels good--so good that I can't explain the exhilaration that I feel. 

I never wanted to admit it, but honestly, I love his company--Carlo's company--and I dread the time that this will end. But I cannot do anything about it, right? Everything has to end. Everything will end, eventually. No matter how good it is, it'll end.  

I thought the end of this day will be after we had our meal, but, no, I was wrong. It's not yet the end, and I silently thank God for that. He brought me to a hill, and we walked until we reached the top of the hill. 

"You know what? This is my favorite spot in whole Florida." He said breaking the comfortable silence between us. 

I did not speak, not because I do not have anything to say, but because I just want him to talk.

He took a deep breath before he continued, "Because when I'm here I feel that I'm closer to the stars. I'm closer to reaching them, even if I'm just a few miles higher." He silently said, and I felt it. The sadness, the loneliness--the melancholy.      

I wanted to ask, I wanted to help, I wanted to reach out to him, but I cannot do anything. So I did the only thing that I can--I hugged him. Tight. Assuring him that I'm just here for him. Because, I know that from this day on I won't ever be able to remove him from me. 

I know that he will play a big part in my life, and I'm willing to gamble again. But this time, I promise, that I will not lose myself.