Can't Let You Go

four:

Soul mate. I think I already found him. 

And maybe I am just lucky. But I'm happy that I am lucky enough to cross paths with him. 

John Carlo Villanueva, I always thank God that I found you. Maybe, just maybe, ikaw ang kapalit ng lahat ng paghihirap at sakit na naranasan ko. 

They said, one day you will be able to to look back at what happened and realize why it had to happen. And that's where I am right now, I can now look back and say, "Ah kaya pala nangyari yun." Kasi kung hindi nangyari ang mga bagay na yun baka hindi ko makikilala si Carlo. Kung hindi ko ipinilit ang sarili ko kay Tristan, hindi ako masasaktan ng sobra at baka hindi ko napagdesisyunan na pumunta dito sa Florida. Kung hindi ako tulala nung araw na yun, baka hindi ko naiwana ng cellphone ko at baka hanggang ngayon pilit ko pa ring inilalayo ang sarili ko kay carlo.

"Hey! You're spacing out again." He said, his face etched with worry.

Kung alam lang nya kung anong naiisip ko ngayon...Pero syempre wala akong planong sabihin, so instead i just smiled at him.

"By the way, ano ng plano mo 'pag natapos na yung student exchange program?" He asked.

Natigilan ako, hindi lang dahil sa tanong nya, kung hindi dahil na rin sa pagtatagalog nya. Hindi pa din kasi ako sanay kapag nagtatagalog sya. Buong akala ko kasi talaga foreigner ang lalaking 'to, malay ko ba naman na Pinoy din 'to? Kung hindi pa namin nakasalubong yung kakilala nya hindi ko pa malalaman, at ang luko-luko balak pala talaga akong pagtripan at walang balak sabihin sa akin na Pilipino sya. Bwiset diba?  

"Hoy!" He nudged me, "Ano na nga? Para alam ko kung uuwi na ba tayo."

One and a half years had already passed. And I can say that I already moved on, ang hindi ko lang alam ay kung gusto ko na bang umuwi sa Pilipinas. Napamahal na ko sa Florida, dito ko nasabi na nagkaroon ako ng panibagong buhay. This is wher I was able to move on. Parang nandito na ang bago kong buhay. Pero, nothing is permanent. Things have to change, and they will eventually. Handa na ba ako?

No. Hindi ako takot. Hindi ako natatakot na maharap sya. Pero kung pwede lang ayoko na na mag-krus ang landas namin. Tapos na kami. Maayos na ako. Ayoko na lang na magulo pa ang lahat.

"I don't know. How about you? What's your plan? Are you ready to see her?" Balik tanong ko sa kanya.

Sadness etched on his face. He is still in pain, at alam ko na kahit anong gawin ko hindi ako makakapagpaalis ng sakit na nararamdaman nya. I was torn into pieces, but Carlo--everything was taken away from him--he is nothing. We have each other but the weight of what was taken away from him is something na kahit anong gawin ko ay hindi ko matutumbasan. I wanted to help him, but I have no intention of disrespecting his choices. So I'll do as he wish. 

"I-I'm not sure. Bakit ganun, Jer? Bakit kahit ang tagal na panahon na ang lumipas ang sakit-sakit pa rin? It's been three years, pero yung nararamdaman ko parang mas lalo lang tumitindi."

I wanted to cry because of his pain. He's always been there for me, he made me feel okay. But why can't I take his pain away? It pains me so much, that I just hug him while murmuring, "Shh...everything's gonna be okay. Everything will be okay. I'm here, I'll always be here."

He shook his head bago sya lumayo sa akin at kitang-kita ko kung paano bumagsak ang luha sa mata nya. Jar Laurice Villaflor, if you just know how lucky you are...

"Tama na nga, this is becoming too dramatic. Ano na nga? Are we going to go back?" Basag nya sa katahimikan.

"I don't know. I'll check kung posible pa bang ma-extend yung stay ko dito.  Pero kung hindi..." I trailed off.

"It's okay. I'll go back with you. Maybe I've already ran away enough and it's already time to go back." He firmly said. 

I nodded my head in his decision. Though I'm not sure myself if I'm ready to go back.

We were in deep silence. Thinking. Contemplating. When the door bell suddenly chimed. We were both startled pero naunang makabawi si Carlo sa akin at sya na ang nagbukas ng pinto--it's his house anyway.

I waited for him to come back pero ilang minuto na ang nakakalipas ay hindi pa sya bumabalik kaya minabuti ko na na puntahan sya...

"Mom! What are you doing here?" Bungad nya pagkabukas nya ng pinto. 

The sophisticated lady on the door raised her eyebrow at him, "Why? Am I not allowed to visit my son now? You've been here for more than a year and you did not even bother to contact us? What kind of a son are you? You asshole!"

I was so shocked with her presence and her words that I just froze on the spot. Shit! His mother is here. What am I gonna do? I've never met anybody's parents except Madj's, but that's a completely different story.