Can't Let You Go

Forty-eight:

Sinamahan ko si Carlo hanggang sa makatulog s'ya. Alam ko na kailangan kong umuwi at kailangan kong kausapin si Tristan. I am his wife and it is my job to settle things with him. I need him to understand. Carlo is nothing but a friend, but he is not someone I can just leave or ignore because he's hurt. Kaya nang makatulog si Carlo ay mabilis akong nagligpit para makauwi agad.

I looked inside his fridge to look for something that I can cook, but there is nothing to cook except for a piece of fish at mangilan-ngilang gulay. I know that he's drunk and will surely have a hangover tomorrow, so I decided na isigang na lang ang bangus sa fridge n'ya.

Hindi pa linis ang isda kaya kinailangan ko pa 'yung linisin. I removed both my wedding and engagement ring and put it on the sink dahil baka kumapit ang lansa doon. As soon as I finished cleaning the fish I started cooking it at nung maluto iyon ay nag-iwan lang ako ng note kay Carlo sa fridge para magpaalam na umalis na ako.

When I got on the car, I immediately felt anxious. Natatakot ako dahil nasaktan ko si Tristan. And I know that deep inside, I do not want to hurt him. I don't wanna be hurt by him, but I also do not want to hurt him, maybe that is why I try to stay away dahil sa tueing naglalapit kami ay nagkakasakitan lang kami.

I was so anxious and I was expecting hell that when I arrived at home I was very disappointed when I did not find him there.

"Ay ma'am, umalis po si sir. Hindi po nagsabi kung saan pupunta basta nung umalis po kayo ay mabilis din po s'yang umalis. Paharurot pa nga po ang pag-alis e." The maid informed me, napansin siguro n'ya ang paghahanap ko sa buong bahay.

I felt a big hole surface on my heart. Bagsak ang balikat na umakyat ako sa taas. Tinagalan ko ang paglilinis ng katawan at pagbibihis and I know that it's because at the back of my mind I am waiting for him to come, but that did not happen.

Nagpabaling-baling ako sa kama at pilitin ko man na matulog ay hindi ko magawa. Iniisip ko s'ya at kahit ipang beses kong sabihin sa sarili ko na may bukas pa ako para kausapin s'ya ay hindi ko nagawa.

I was hesitating pero hindi ko din natiis at dinial ko ang number n'ya. His phone rang and rang pero walang sumasagot kaya napagdesisyunan ko na ibaba na 'yun, siguro ay kailangan n'ya ng oras para makapag-isip, pero nang ibaba ko na 'yun ay tsaka naman nawala ang pagri-ring tanda ng pagsagot ng nasa kabilang linya.

Hinintay ko s'yang magsalita but no one spoke on the other line na napaisip ako kung nandun ba talaga s'ya, pero ito na 'to nandun man s'ya o wala I'll try. I felt my heart choking my throat at sa nanginginig na boses ay nagsalita ako, "Hindi ka ba uuwi?"

I heard him sigh as if in exhaustion, "Hindi na siguro muna... I think I need a time alone. I'm sorry, Jer, but I don't think that I am ready to face you now."

Parang may kung anong bumara sa puso ko and I felt my voice strained, "S-sige..." I immediately shut up and ended the call dahil pakiramdam ko ay biglang tutulo ang luha ko kung magpapatuloy pa akong makipag-usap sa kanya.

Pero kakapatay ko pa lang nang tawag ay nag-ring na agad ang phone ko. It's Tristan, sinubukan kong i-compose ang sarili ko bago ko sagutin ang tawag n'ya pero hindi na n'ya ako pinagsalita, "Are you crying? Shit! I'm on my way." Tapos ay agad din n'yang pinatay ang tawag.

Agad akong napabangon sa pagkakahiga at matamang nag-abang sa pagbukas ng pinto. He is coming and my heart is jumping for joy.

Nang magbukas ang pinto at nakita ko  s'yang pumasok ay agad akong tumakbo papunta sa kanya para yakapin s'ya ng mahigpit. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nagkakaganito pero I felt happy and relieved that he is here. Tristan is here.

Niyakap ko s'ya ng sobrang higpit na naramdaman ko ang pagbakat ng mga muscles n'ya sa katawan ko. I felt his warmth and I immediately felt comfort.

I realized that the urge to not hurt him is way too big ot can crush my being.

Nagulat s'ya sa pagyakap ko at ilang segundo ang nagdaan na para lang s'yang tuod na nakadikit sa akin bago ko naramdaman ang paghaplos n'ya sa likod ko. I looked at him and with his eyes I saw how happy he is. His eyes are glowing with warmth and happiness is radiating from him.

I suddenly had the urge to kiss him and I let myself indulge. I put my arms around his neck and pulled him towards me.

I kissed him like how a woman should kiss her husband, and he answered my kisses with gusto. 

He put his hand on my face and tilted it to deepen the kiss. His other hand entered my shirt and I gasped at the sudden contact, he took that as an opportunity to enter his tongue in my mouth and I answered each caress his tongue makes.

His mouth moved to the column of my neck and he licked and sucked it as if he is marking what's his.

I cannot help but moan with the feeling of his sensual mouth on my neck and he took that as a sign to go on. His hand caressed the underside of my breast before removing the hook of my bra, he moaned in approval when he touched my breast.

He was in the middle of removing my top when I pushed him slightly. That gesture alone was enough to stop him. His face is flushed and his eyes are full of arousal when he removed himself from me. He shook his head as if to wake up from whatever haze he is in before facing me.

"I know that I should be sorry, but I don't regret anything. I am, in fact, happy, probably the happiest person in the world, because that happened. Hindi man natuloy, at least I was able to kiss you, and damn, Jeraldine I always dream of that at night. I always dream of your sweet and sinful mouth."

His words made me blush, I did not expect that from him, and I suddenly don't want to face him anymore because of embarrassment.

Itinaas n'ya ang ulo ko at tinitigan ako sa mata bago s'ya ngumisi sa akin, "What do you expect? I am still a man. But don't worry, I'll wait until your ready."

Agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin bago ako tumikhim para kausapin s'ya.

"Tristan, as much as I want to hear all your perverted thoughts, we need to talk. We need to clarify things, and I want you to understand." With those words, his playfulness disappeared.