Can't Let You Go

forty-three:

Naphinto ako sa pinto at hindi ako nagsalita. Nag-angat s'ya ng tingin at diretso n'ya akong tinitigan sa mata. His eyes are piercing at me, coaxing me to say something, but I didn't.

"Jer, that was nothing. Fritzie is nothing to me." He desperately said when I didn't say anything.

Umiling ako, "You don't have to explain, it doesn't matter."

"Of course it does!" He shouted. Nabigla ako sa pagsigaw n'ya at mukhang s'ya rin ay nagulat sa ginawa n'ya, "It matters. It matters a lot. What your thinking matters to me so much. Anything else might not matter--my parents might not matter, my business might not matter, my parents might not matter--but what you think matters. Everything about you matters." Malumanay n'yang sabi na parang nagmamakaawa na pakinggan ko s'ya.

A moment of hesitation passed by me until I gave in to his wishes.

Tinanguan ko s'ya at hindi ako nagsalita. I'll let him say whatever he wants to say. I'll let him convince me to whatever he wants me to believe in.

"Whatever you saw, whatever you heard, was nothing. Fritzie was nothing to me. She went here saying she loves me, but I don't love her. I never did. It was you from the very start until now..."

Napaawang ang bibig ko para magsalita. Lie. That's not true. Dahil kung totoo 'yun ay wala sana kami sa ganito. What Fritzie said flashed on my mind, but I knew better. They are lying. I decided against interrupting him to correct him. Hinayaan ko s'yang magpatuloy at sa halip ay nag-iwas na lang ako ng tingin.

"She was desperate, begging me to come back to her, but I can't. And I won't. Never. I have you and you are everything I ever wanted--not her..." He said sincerely. I wanted to believe him kung hindi ko lang alam na puro kasinungalingan ang lumalabas sa bibig n'ya. The memory was so clear, it was so vivid-he chose her over me, repeatedly.

How dare he lie to my face? Uminit ang ulo ko at gusto ko s'yang sigawan at patigilin, "Tristan--"

But he did not let me talk. He cut whatever I was about to say, "She kissed me." He stated.

Napahinto ako saglit. Gusto ko pa bang marinig 'to? Handa ko bang ipakita sa kanya ang sakit na nararamdaman ko dahil sa pakikinig sa kwento n'ya?

"I know." I whispered.

Pero parang wala s'yang narinig at nagpatuloy lang s'ya sa pagkukwento, "But I did not let her. I pushed her. I did not kiss her back, and I don't know if you believe me, but I want you to believe me. I know there's doubt in you, but please, don't doubt whatever I feel for you. Mahal kita. Ikaw lang ang minahal ko ng ganito at alam ko na ikaw lang ang mamahalin ko ng ganito."

Hindi ako sumagot sa sinabi n'ya dahil gustuhin ko man na maniwala, may malaking parte sa akin ang nagsasabing 'wag. Ilang beses na ba n'ya kong sinaktan? Ilang beses na ba kong nadurog at umiyak? Ilang beses n'ya bang ipinakita sa akin na balewala ako at si Fritzie ang mahal n'ya? Ilang beses ba n'yang natiis na makita akong lumuluha dahil palaging si Fritzie ang iniintindi n'ya?

Tumayo s'ya at lumapit sa akin. Hindi ako kumibo. Hindi ako nagsalita. Ni hindi ako gumalaw sa kinatatayuan ko. Hinayaan ko lang na yakapin n'ya ako ng mahigpit pero kahit sandali ay hindi ko 'yun sinuklian.

He'll leave me. I know he will eventually. Naguguluhan lang s'ya, pero sa oras na marealize n'ya na si Fritzie pa din ang mahal n'ya, alam kong iiwan n'ya ako--gaya ng ginawa n'ya noon--si Fritzie pa din ang pipiliin n'ya. Dahil si Fritzie ang mas mahalaga. And I'll just wait for him to do that. I'll wait for that to happen.

He said this will be the last chance, at kapag hindi pa din nag-work ay tapos na kami. Hindi na n'ya ako guguluhin. I think it won't be so hard for him to realize that this relationship will not really work, because Fritzie's already there. She can show Tristan, who he really loves.

Tristan saw the paper bag in my hand kung nasaan ang pagkain na dala ko at agad n'ya 'yung kinuha sa akin. Inilabas n'ya ang laman nun at matamis n'ya akong binigyan ng ngiti.

"You cooked this for me?" Masaya n'yang sabi.

Marahan akong tumango pero hindi ako nagsalita. iginaya n'ya ako papunta sa center table ng opisina n'ya at nakngiti n'yang inilapag ang ang pagkain na niluto ko, "Let's eat."

Hindi ako sumagot sa halip ay tinitigan ko lang s'ya at pinanuod na masayang kumain. Hindi ko alam kung pansin n'ya ang kawalan ko ng gana, hindi lang sa pagkain kung hindi pati sa kanya, dahil wala naman s'yang sinabi at umakto lang s'yang parang napakasaya n'ya.

He ate wholeheartedly habang pangiti-ngiti sa akin na sinuklian ko naman ng walang kabuhay-buhay na tingin.

When Tristan finally decides to leave me, what will happen to me? Ayoko mang aminin pero alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi pa ako lubos na nakakamove-on, dahil hanggang ngayon nasasaktan pa rin ako. Nasasaktan akong isipin na balang araw iiwan na naman ako at pipiliin na naman n'ya si Fritzie.

Mali ako. I still love him. Ayoko mang tanggapin pero iyon ang totoo. Mahal ko pa rin s'ya, at kung ayokong maiwala na naman ang sarili ko ay dapat protektahan ko ito. I have to stay away from him to protect myself.

Hindi ko hahayaan na wasakin na naman n'ya ako ng buong-buo.

I still love him, but I'm too scared-too scarred-to risk eveything for him again.