Can't Let You Go

fourteen:

"Well, he actually does. He deserves it, because he is. He is a bastard, he is stealing you away from me. Ever since you came here with him, wala na akong ibang narinig kung hindi s'ya! Kailan ba magiging ako, Jer? Kailan ulit magiging ako?! Kasi lahat na ginagawa ko para sa'yo, pero hindi mo pa rin ako makita. Puro s'ya pa rin!" Pain and anger laced in his voice bago s'ya bumuntong-hininga, pero nang bumaling s'ya sa akin I can see venom seeping out from him, "I can destroy him, his family, his everything so he won't come near you anymore." He threatened, and I froze, my mind running so fast, "But I won't, because I know that that will upset you. And I don't want you to be upset with me, I want to win you over not drive you away." His eyes soften as he said that.

I looked away, trying not to get so affected by what he said, because I can feel it the ground I'm holding is quivering.

"Just please, Jer... Give me a chance, just one more. This time I'll do better. I'll be better. Better than him, better than anyone else." He begged, his eyes pleading and his voice quivering as he strain the tears that are about to fall.

I stole a glance at him, and saw how broken he is. For a second I imagined giving him another chance, but then I remembered how fucked up things were between us. How he promised to let Fritzie go, but in the end chose her over me. How much pain I had because of him, because he intentionally wanted to hurt me. How I foolishly fell for whatever he could offer, when I knew it's already a lost cause. I can't do that anymore, I can't be that girl anymore. I've already had enough pain because of him to last a lifetime, I can't have it anymore. I can't have him anymore. I can't be stupid again to give him another chance. I can't give him another chance to break me into pieces just to leave me afterwards. I can't, and I won't.

I shook my head firmly, "There's no chance for us, Tristan. I already gave you everything I had, but you chose to break me--to leave me. We're done, you know that. You chose her over me, when you promised me that you'll let her go. You did not just break my heart but also the little self-respect that I had, and I can't have that anymore. I can't go back to that anymore. I can't let you kill me again, because you already killed me way too much--over and over again. I'm sorry, Tristan, but I can't give you that." I stopped letting my words sink into him. "What we had was already done years ago, it's all in the past now, masaya na ko kaya sana 'wag mo na 'kong guluhin. Sana maging masaya ka na lang sa kung anong nangyari sa atin. We had a bitter sweet past, but we learned a lot from that. And I am thankful that all of those things happened, kasi kung hindi yun nangyari hindi ko makikilala si Carlo at hindi ako magiging kung ano ako ngayon--hindi ko makikilala ang sarili ko ng lubos--hindi ako magiging masaya."

He didn't speak and I thought he won't, but I thought wrong, "No... You were happy... You were happy with me, Jer. You love me." He said almost incoherently before looking at me straight in the eyes waiting for my confirmation.

I nod, "I was. You made me happy. You made me feel that fairy tales do come true in real life. I mean, sino ba naman ako para magustuhan ni Ray Tristan Benette Gallego? Isa lang akong simpleng tao, hindi mayaman, hindi matalino, hindi maganda. Hindi ako espesyal, pero ako ang nagustuhan mo. I was happy, it's like a dream. A dream that somehow managed to eat me and become a nightmare. Our love story was too... fairy tale-like, that I felt it won't last. I was always waiting, always, for you to realize that I don't deserve you. Yes, I was insecure. I was paranoid. Paranoid na baka bigla mo na lang marealize na hindi ako bagay sayo, that you deserve someone better--way better than me. I don't know how our fairy tale turned like this, ang alam ko lang isang araw nagising ako na kinain na ako ng insecurity ko at hindi ko na makilala ang sarili ko. Wala na si Jer, yung Jer na simple lang, yung Jer na walang pakialam sa ibang tao, yung Jer na masaya sa kung ano s'ya at sa kung anong meron s'ya. Nawala s'ya, kinain ng fairy tale na nangyari sa kanya, kinain ng insecurity n'ya. And that day, I realized I should let you go and that I should find myself, so I broke up with you. You cried, and it broke not just my heart kung hindi ang buong pagkatao ko, pero nanindigan ako dahil alam kong iyon ang kailangan ko nang panahon na yun." I stopped for a moment to look at him, pero agad din akong nag-iwas ng tingin sa sakit na nakapinta sa mukha n'ya habang binabalikan namin ang nakaraan.

"Fate was just so fond of toying me, dahil alam mo ba? Noon pa lang kay Fritzie na ako takot na takot. Alam ko na isang araw na iiwan mo ako para sa kanya, kahit hindi pa man kayo nagkakalapit, at tama nga ako dahil dalawang linggo pa lang napalitan n'ya na ako. Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit yun? Tangina wala na yatang isasakit pa! Kasi shit naniwala ako sa lahat ng sinabi mo e. Pinanghawakan ko lahat ng salitang binitiwan mo. Tapos dalawang linggo lang napalitan mo na ako? Nakakagago, diba? Pero wala akong magagawa dahil ako ang may gusto nun, ako ang nakipaghiwalay. Pero tangina lang! Akala ko wala ng isasakit yun, meron pa pala--marami pa pala. Sunod-sunod pa, hanggang sa wala ng matira--hanggang sa tuluyan na akong sumuko kasi sobrang sakit na." Napaismid ako sa sarili ko, hindi makapaniwala na ganito pala ang pakiramdam kapag sa mismong bibig ko na nanggaling--may kirot pero may parte sa akin na parang natatawa na lang.

I looked at him straight in eyes this time, "I did love you, Tristan, more than I should. And I think, that's enough. I learned a lot from what happened to us, pero wala na akong balak na ulitin pa yun."

He flinched and panic etched on his face, "No! You don't meant that! You don't mean that, Jer! Mahal mo pa ako! We still have a chance, just give it a try... one more time. I promise I won't hurt you this time. I'll show you how much I love you. I'll do everything for you. I'll prove--" He said in a ruch trying to convince me, but I cut him off with a shake of my head.

"No, Tristan. Tama na. Tapos na tayo, hindi na tayo makakabalik sa kung nasaan tayo dati. We had our chance and we missed it. Let us just be happy for each other."

"No, Jer, makinig ka! Mahal mo pa ako. Ako lang ang mahal mo, hindi ka pa nakakamove-on. In-denial ka lang, kasi hindi mo matanggap na sa dinami-dami ng nangyari sa atin mahal mo pa rin ako." He said hysterically.

But I calmly shook my head, "No, listen. Masaya na ko, Tristan. I have moved on, and I hope you'll move on too. I still care for you, but I don't love--" I hitched my breath, my eyes widen, and I suddenly couldn't move.

He is kissing me. Coaxing me while forcing his mouth on mine. I gasp, and he took advantage of that to enter his tongue in my mouth forcing me to move with him.

He's determined to prove a point. He's determined to have me back, and I'm just as determined to prove him otherwise. I tried to push him but he didn't even budge. Instead, he captured my hands on his and put it above my head.

He's kissing me full on the mouth urging me to kiss him back, and so I did. I kissed him with everything I have, and I felt him froze before a smirk formed on his mouth. He changed the way he kisses me, it is still intense and passionate yet there's already softness in it. I know he is controlling himself not to kiss me way too hard, but I can feel him threading in the thin line. So I let him.

I let him kiss me hard. And I kiss him back.

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limalec: Sorry sa typos and grammar errors whatsoever. Inaantok na po ako e. Anyway, pambawi kasi hindi ako nakapag-update last last week, I think? Busy lang talaga. Sorry.

P.S. Kapag naka-150 votes Ia-upload ko yung kasunod, kapag hindi next week na ulit. :)