Can't Let You Go

forty-six:

Agad s'yang nag-iwas ng tingin and guilt immediately ate my heart. This is exactly why I don't want him to know, but as much as I want to keep it a secret I very well know that he deserves to know the truth.

"Tristan..." I called his name but I'm not sure if he heard me because of the dryness of my throat.

He sadly looked at me and shook his head, "I want to hear your explanation but I'm not sure if I'm ready for it."

My eyes watered because of the sadness and disappointment in his face, "I..." I wanted to explain, to say something, to ease his pain but I do not know how.

"I need to rest, I was so worried about you that I think I lost all my energy to continue this." He said without looking into my eyes before he turned his back to me.

The moment he walked away my tears flowed down my face. I felt helpless that I don't know what to do to make things better and guilty because I hurt him again.

That night I cannot sleep, I kept on tossing amd turning but to no avail. My heart feels heavy and my mind keeps on thinking about what happened. I feel so tired but my mind won't cooperate. I'm bothered-so bothered that I just found myself staring at his back.

Akala ko hindi n'ya ako tatabihan sa pagtulog ngayon, nagulat na lang ako ng naramdaman ko ang paglundo ng kama kanina pero nang hinarap ko s'ya ay likod n'ya ang bumungad sa akin. I know he's not asleep yet, but his turned back says everything -he doesn't want to talk to me.

Alam kong hindi pa s'ya tulog, dahil sa likot ko imposibleng makatulog ang sinumang katabi ko pero hanggang ngayon ay hindi n'ya pa rin ako hinaharap.

I wanted to hug him but I stopped myself. What if he remove my arm around him? I don't think I'm ready for a rejection.

"He is my friend. He was there when I needed people who will support me the most. He supported me and helped me stood up when I thought I won't be able to stand up again. I cannot just abandon him." I found myself saying to his back.

Silence lingered for a few minutes before he decided to face me. He looked at my face silently as if memorizing every detail of it, "Why did you not tell me? Are you hiding something?"

"NO!" My voice automatically raised with his question.

"Then why?"

"I don't know, I guess I didn't want you to know because I know you'll be hurt."

"Of course I will be, but haven't you thought that maybe I'll be more hurt if you'll keep it from me?" He asked without really asking for an answer, "I grew up with everything, I don't even have to ask. I simply get the things that I want. Sure my parents aren't there but people envy me. I wasn't happy but I never felt envious of anybody, people envy me, it was never the other way around. And it never crossed my mind that I'll envy anybody, but I did. I'm envious -very envious-with Carlo. He gets to spend time with you without begging you, he gets to see you smile and laugh effortlessly, he gets to make you worried just because you weren't able to see him for a few days, but me? I need to do everything just to get-even just a little bit of whatever he gets effortlessly. I'm not complaining, I'm just...jealous of him. Why does he get everything I wish to have easily?"

Wala akong maisagot sa tanong n'ya at nanatiling nakaawang ang bibig ko-naghahanap ng mga salitang pwedeng isagot sa kanya.

"Why can he pass through the walls you built around yourself freely, yet you won't even let me peek inside? Do you love him, Jer?"

Nagbukas-sara ang bibig ko sa tanong n'ya bago ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na sagutin s'ya, "I--"

Pero pinutol n'ya ang sasabihin ko, "No, don't answer that... I don't like to hear it." He said with panick.

But I didn't waiver and continued what I want to say, "I'm scared. So scared Tristan that I built this wall around me so you won't be able to get inside and break me again. You broke me, not once, but repeatedly. And I'm scared that if you break me again, this time I won't be able to recover even with Carlo by my side. You made me feel worthless. Unwanted. You made me feel that I'm nothing to you. It was always Fritzie over me. Always. I lost myself. You tore me into pieces, broke me over and over again, and stepped all over me when Fritzie is there. So can you blame me if I can't let you in anymore? Tristan, I'm scared and I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to trust you again. I did once, but you did nothing but break me. Because it was always Fritzie ever since she came into the picture." Tears are freely flowing down feom my face that my pillows are already soaking wet.

"Jer--"

This time, it was I who cut him off. I looked into his eyes and made him see that I am nothing but serious, "And yes, Tristan, I love him-I love Carlo..." Pain flashed in his eyes as if it cut him deep and I was about to continue and explain what I said when my phone rang and Carlo's number flashed on the screen.

Tristan looked at my phone the same time I did, and I know that the cut I gave him got deeper when I answered the phone, "Hello, Carlo..."