Hindi na namin hinintay na matapos ang party sa reception. I am too tired--too tired of everything. Tired of the deceit, tired of the pretension, and tired of all the emotions playing in my system. Buti na lang at nung sinabi ko kay Tristan na gusto ko ng magpahinga ay hindi naman na s'ya nagsalita pa para pigilan ako, sa halip ay tumango lang s'ya at sinenyasan ang wedding organizer para lumapit. Binulungan n'ya iyon at tumango lang naman ang wedding organizer bilang sagot.
We exited the venue at ang mga taong nadadaanan at nakakapansin nang pag-alis namin ay walang ibang ginawa kung hindi ang ngitian kami--a knowing smile, as if they understand and they know why we are exiting the venue early. What they didn't know is that whatever the hell they are thinking is way too far from reality.
Hindi kami maagang umalis doon para sa honeymoon. At wala akong balak na makipaghoneymoon.
And I think, Tristan is well aware of that.
I am having a hard time with my wedding gown as we walk at mukhang napansin iyon ni Tristan kaya maagap n'ya akong hinawakan sa siko para alalayan ako. I flinched and hurt visibly came over his lovely face. Saglit akong natigilan pero pinilit ko iyong balewalain. Hinintay ko na bumitiw s'ya sa siko ko pero mas lalo lang n'yang hinigpitan ang pagkakahawak doon habang patuloy akong inaalalayan sa paglalakad.
Ipinagbukas n'ya ako ng kotse at marahan akong inalalayan sa pagsakay doon, I suddenly felt like a very expensive porcelain na sobrang iniingatan at pinapahalagahan.
"Tristan, why are you being like this? Bakit mo ko tinatrato ng ganito, kung noon e wala ka ng ginawa kung hindi ang tapakan ang pagkatao ko? Bakit ngayon lang? Bakit ngayon pa kung kailan ayaw ko na?" My mind asked though he cannot hear it.
I wanted to cry. My heart wants to pour the feelings it has been containing ever since the proposal happened, but I stopped myself. I don't want to cry in front of him anymore. Pagod na ko. Pagod na pagod na kong maging mahina sa harap n'ya. I refuse to show him that I am weak, I want to show him that for once I am strong.
He signaled the driver to drive at hindi nagtagal ay naging pamilyar na sa akin ang lugar na tinatahak namin. Papunta kami sa mansyon--sa mansyon na puno ng lungkot, hirap, at pighati. I don't want to be there. I don't want to live there. Then, I remembered him saying na doon tumitira ang lahat ng tagapagmana ng pamilya nila. Will my children with him live there and experience the same suffering that he had?
No. I don't like that to happen. I won't let that happen.
"Where are we going?" I firmly asked as if he doesn't really need to answer the question because I already know the answer at gusto ko lang na marealize n'ya kung gaano katanga ang ginagawa n'ya.
"Mansion." Matipid at diretso n'yang sagot.
"I know, but why there? Tinanong mo man lang ba ako kung saan ko gustong pumunta--or for that matter tumira? Hindi." I stopped suddenly furious at the realization na pinangunahan na naman n'ya ako at nagdesisyon na naman s'ya ng walang pasabi sa akin, "Tristan, I don't want to live in your family's mansion. Pwede ba for once tanungin mo ako kung anong gusto ko, kasi, Tristan, hindi mo na lang buhay 'to. Buhay na natin 'to. Hindi lang ikaw ang maapektuhan sa bawat desisyon na gagawin mo, pati ako."
Agad s'yang natulala sa pagtingin sa akin, "I... I..." He tried to speak but no coherent word came from his mouth, "I didn't know that's how you feel, I'm sorry. Jer, you're the most important person in my life. I never wanted you to feel that way. It's just that, you're tired and I don't know any place where you can possibly rest--with me still by your side."
Napaiwas ako ng tingin sa lungkot na naglaro sa kanyang mga mata tsaka ako napabuntong-hininga bago magsalita, "I don't want to live there, I can stay for a night or two, but I can't live there, Tristan. I can't. I don't want to..."
He looked at me intently before he nodded as if in understanding on why I wouldn't like to live there, "If that's what you want." Saglit s'yang tumingin sa bintana ng kotse bago ibinaling ang tingin ulit sa akin, "Don't worry, hindi tayo magtatagal sa mansyon. I just need you to rest tonight tapos ay tatapusin ko lang ang mga papers ni tita bukas para makalipad na tayo agad sa US sa isang araw. When we come back, I'll bring you to our home."
Relief is washing over me with his words but one thing caught my attention, "Our home?"
Napatikhim s'ya at nagpabaling-baling sa kung saan, "Well... uhm... we don't have our own home as of now. That is one thing that I haven't accomplished yet. I don't know how you would like our home to look like kaya hindi ko pa yun pinapagawa. That would be our home and I want you to take part on its planning and designing kaya wala pa yun sa ngayon." Nahihiya o naiilang--hindi ko sigurado kung alin sa dalawa ang nararamdaman n'ya ng sinabi n'ya iyon. "But, don't worry magpapahanap na ako agad ng bahay na pwede nating lipatan pagbalik natin galing US --pagkatapos magpagamot ni tita."
Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Hindi ko alam kung ano bang dapat kong sabihin. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako manlalamig sa kanya kung ganito ang pinapakita at sinasabi n'ya.
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أنت تقرأ
Can't Let You Go
قصص عامةPart 2 of Sapilitan Our love is a poison, but I'd rather die than to let you go
