Can't Let You Go

twenty-six:

Tulala lang ako habang kinakalma ang kumakalabog kong puso nang malakas na nag-vibrate ang cellphone ko. Sabay kaming napatingin doon ni Tristan at nakita ang kung sino ang tumatawag.

*Carlo calling*

In my usual days, I will pick up the phone, smile, and answer his calls almost immediately, but now it is different. It is not a usual day--Tristan is beside me in our wedding day. At hindi ko alam kung tama ba'ng sagutin ang tawag ng bestfriend ko'ng alam kong pinagseselosan ng asawa ko sa mismong harap n'ya.

For the first time, since Carlo and I became friends I hesitated about him--about us. Should our friendship continue even with Tristan being my husband? Because no matter how much I try to deny it, I know, our friendship will greatly be affected by this marriage.

Mahal ko si Carlo bilang kaibigan. S'ya ang naging kasangga ko sa lahat ng bagay na pinagdaanan ko pero kasal na ako at alam ko na s'ya ang pinakapinagseselosan ni Tristan. 

Yes, this marriage was forced, pero kahit ano pa ang sabihin ko ay kasal na ako at wala na akong magagawa. Might as well try not to make a ruckus while I'm married. Dahil sa isang Tristan Gallego ako ikinasal, hindi lang ako ang maapektuhan kapag nagkataon kung hindi ang buong pamilya ko.

May kung ano sa akin ang nagpupumilit na sagutin ang tawag ni Carlo, as if that part of me is rebelling against my rational mind--as if that part of me is urging me to see how answering Carlo will hurt Tristan badly, who is watching me intently, just like how it hurt me when he answered all of Fritzie's call back then even when is with me.

I pushed all of my rational thoughts and let that part of me take over, but when I was about to answer the call, Tristan stopped me, "Don't. I beg you, please don't." Agad akong napatingin sa kanya at nakita ko ang nagmamakaawa n'yang mga mata. Nakipagmatigasan ako sa kanya at nakipaglabanan ng tingin hanggang sa naramdaman ko ang pagluwag ng hawak n'ya sa palapulsuhan ko, "Jeraldine, don't answer him, please. Not now, not on our wedding day." He begged, but I just kept on looking at him though a part of me is already falling on his plea, "I am not asking you to smile and pretend that you are happy because we got married. I am not asking you to answer our guests' questions nor am I asking you to talk and socialize with them. I am not asking you anything, I'm fine with you just sitting there beside me, but please don't talk to another man with me sitting beside you on our wedding day. Because I want to at least remember this as you being able to stay beside me, even just for today. So please, don't answer him, Jer. Akin ka lang muna ngayon, please."  

Agad akong natigilan sa sinseridad ng mga sinabi n'ya, pero agad din iyong nabasag ng malakas ulit na nag-vibrate ang cellphone ko.

*Carlo calling*

I looked at it, pero agad ko ring nabitawan ang mahigpit kong pagkakahawak doon nang paulit-ulit kong narinig ang pakiusap ni Tristan sa isip ko. 

Bumagsak iyon sa la mesa at lumikha iyon ng mahinang tunog na natabunan ng malakas na musikang nagpeplay sa background kaya hindi na iyon napansin ng mga bisita.

Tumunog iyong muli ngunit hindi na dahil sa tawag kung hindi dahil sa text message na galing pa rin kay Carlo, "Why are you not answering my calls?! What have you done?! You're all over the news! Are you really out of your freaking mind, Jeraldine?!"

Nayanig ako sa balitang iyon, hindi ko naisip na sa dami ng tao at media na nandito ay mababalita kami. Sino nga ba namang niloko ko? Isang Ray Tristan Benette Gallego ang pinakasalan ko, buong mundo ang nakasubaybay sa bawat kilos n'ya dahil sa bawat bagay na gagawin n'ya ay may milyun-milyong taong maapektuhan. Kaya paano ko naisip na hindi pa ito alam ng lahat?

I looked at him and he looked backat me intently as if trying to read my thoughts.

"Thank you." He mouthed as if no sound is needed to talk directly to my heart.

And I felt it, the warmth that embraced my lost and cold heart.

Maraming tao ang pumunta at alam na ng buong mundo ang pagpapakasal namin, ngunit sa dami nila walang ni isa ang nakakaalam nang tunay na nangyari at ng tunay kong nararamdaman. 

Hindi ko pa rin s'ya kayang saktan, at iyon ang nakapagpayanig sa akin ng husto.

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limalec: 150 votes, please?