Can't Let You Go

forty-seven:

"Jer....I-I need you, c-can you p-please come?" Carlo said the moment I answered the phone. Humihikbi s'ya dahil sa pag-iyak at parang hirap na hirap s'yang magsalita.

Ngayon lang s'ya nagkaganito, and I know he is in deep pain—he needs me and I should be there.

My mind suddenly focused on Carlo and his text message. Halos nawala na sa isip ko na may problema nga pala kami ni Tristan na dapat ayusin, kung hindi pa ako napatinhin sa kanya ay hindi ko pa 'yun maaalala.

His eyes are full of pain and as much as I want to ease his pain, I can't, because I know that with what I'm gonna do, his pain will only increase.

I felt sorry for him and I want to talk to him, but Carlo needs me.

"J-Jer--" He called me, his voice is weak as if unsure of what to do, as if he knows that he will only be hurt even if he tried.

I wish I can prove him wrong, but he is right, he'll be hurt. I'll hurt him. I'll choose Carlo.

Carlo helped me when Tristan was gone, and I can't just leave him because Tristan is here. He's my rock. Tinulungan n'ya akong mabuo at magpatuloy kaya hinding-hindi ko s'ya maaring iwan na lang basta.

I shook my head at Tristan, and I know that I will forever remember his face the moment I turned my back at him.

Masakit para sa akin ang masaktan si Tristan, pero mahirap para sa akin na nahihirapan si Carlo. Carlo is the kindest man I've ever met, and he deserves the best. He is the perfect man that I will never have, because maybe just maybe, I was never looking for a perfect man.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ako pupunta kay Carlo. Dis oras na ng gabi at hindi ko alam kung may masasakyan pa ba ako.

Palabas na ako ng gate ng may harangan ako ng driver ko, noong una akala ko ay pipigilan n'ya ako pero laking gulat ko ng ipilit n'ya na ihatid ako.

"Sorry, ma'am, pero mahigpit pong bilin ni sir na 'wag po kayong pabayaan na umalis mag-isa. Delikado na po at kung mapahamak po kayo ay siguradong kami ang mananagot." Firm na paliwanag n'ya.

Hindi na ako kumontra dahil alam ko na tama s'ya and somehow deep in my heart I was touched and thankful na kahit ayaw ni Tristan ay hindi n'ya pa rin ako pinabayaan.

Carlo's unit is a mess. Nang dumating ako doon ay naabutan ko ang pinto n'yang nakaawang na parang sinubukang isara pero hindi nagawa. Madilim na madilim din doon at walang kahit anong pinagmumulan ng ilaw. Pinapakiramdaman ko ang sarili ko sa kung ano ang posibleng nangyari nang marinig ko ang isang paghikbi na nanggagaling sa kusina n'ya.

Agad kong ibinukas ang ilaw at tumakbo sa pinagmumulan ng mga hikbi. Maraming basag na pinggang at baso ang nadaan ko at amoy na amoy ang alak. Gusto kong hanapin ang pinagmumulan noon at alisin dahil sa amoy pa lang nun ay nakakaramdam na ako ng hilo ngunit mukhang nakakalat na sa buong bahay ang amoy ng alak.

I found Carlo sitting on the floor and leaning on fridge habang nakayuko at humihikbi. He looks broken, and I felt my heart broke.

Carlo is my rock, s'ya ang tumulong sa akin na bumangon nung lugmok na lugmok ako. S'ya ang pumilit sa akin na buuin ang sarili ko nuglng panahon na durog na durog ako. He is the strong one who mends every broken thing he sees, and seeing him like this just breaks me.

Ang makita ang taong malakas na nakayuko at nanghihina isang bagay na kayang dumurog sa puso ng kahit na sinuman.

Marahan akong lumapit sa kanya, uupo ako sa mga binti ko tsaka ko s'ya mahigpit na niyakap. Idinantay ko ang ulo n'ya sa dibdib ko at hinayaan ko s'yang umiyak sa akin.

I cried with him as he pour his heart to me.

"Everything's gonna be okay. Kinaya kong bumangon at lagpasan ang lahat dahil sa'yo at alam ko na kakayanin mo rin. Nandito lang ako." I whispered to him.

I didn't say anything after that. I just soothed his back until he calmed down and when he thought he is ready he told me the whole story as I patiently listened to him. At that moment I removed what's bothering me at the moment in my mind—Tristan. Sa sandaling iyon winala ko muna sa isip ko si Tristan at ang nararamdaman n'ya at ibinigay ko kay Carlo ang buong atensyon ko.

"Jer, I saw her... I saw her with another man. She was holding his arm while laughing at whatever they are talking about. She looks happy. She's happy without me while I feel nothing but an empty shit. Jar has moved on... And, curse me, but I do not want her to move on. I do not want her to forget me, kasi ako kahit minsan hindi ko s'ya nakalimutan. Mahal na mahal ko s'ya. At marami man akong pinagsisisihan na nangyari sa buhay ko, pero hindi kasali doon ang makilala s'ya. I hope I did not hurt her and I hope that I can do something to change what happened...but it's too late. Nangyari na ang nangyari at wala na kong magagawa pero putangina ang sakit sakit pa rin, at alam ko na habang buhay kong dadalhin ang sakita na nararamdaman ko dahil hinayaan kong umalis ang nag-iisang babaeng mahal ko at patuloy kong mamahalin."

I've never seen this side of Carlo, I know that just like me he has that person, but I never thought that he can be like this. Nasanay ako na sa aming dalawa ako ang palaging umiiyak, ako ang palaging mahina na ngayong s'ya naman ang nakikita kong nasasaktan ay hindi ko na alam lung anong dapat kong gawin.

"I love Jar so much that seeing her happy with someonr else feels like being hit by a bullet train. I saw my world crumble at my vety eyes. Nagagawa na n'yang tumawa at ngumiti, mga bagay na hindi ko nagawa nung nasa akin pa s'ya. I made her miserable and now that there is a man who makes her happy I want to be selfish and snatch her away. Mahal na mahal ko s'ya Jer. Mahal na mahal. I thought it's not possible to break my heart anymore because it is already torn into tiny pieces but seeing her happy with another man pulverized my barely beating heart. Ang sakit tangina! Ang sakit sakit."

I can't say anything to him, who am I to give out an advice kung sarili ko ngang nararamdaman ay hindi ko maayos. Ang tangi ko pang magagawa ay ang manatili sa tabi n'ya at i-comfort s'ya.