Can't Let You Go

epilogue: the letter

Jer,

"I'll do everything to have you back. You have my heart, my mind, and my soul. I love you, Jeraldine. And I'm sorry, but I'd rather die than to let you go. I can't let you go. " This has been my mantra ever since you left me, but I guess, right now, letting you go is the best thing to do.

It is hard-even harder than I thought. I know letting you go will be hard, but not this hard-like I die repeatedly each time.

I love you, Jer. Mahal namahal kita-sobra. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you-the moment you defended that little kid and defied me. I thought I was just intrigued -curious, but then, I realized that I am more than intrigued-I am attracted to you and later on I was falling.

I fell as I was looking at you from a far. I fell as I see you everyday, and each time I just fall harder. You were a breath of fresh air. You gave color to my lifeless life. And yet, each time you kill me.

I heard that our love was nothing but a puppy love and when you left me the first time, I tried to make myself believe in that. But, hell, who am I kidding? We may be young but what I feel for you is deeper than the deepest abyss of the sea.

Mahal kita at kahit ilang beses kong paniwalain ang sarili ko na kaya kitang kalimutan, hindi ko 'yun kahit kailan nangyari.

When you broke up with me, I felt loss. Bumalik na naman sa dati ang buhay ko-walang buhay-'yun nga lang mas malala ngayon, dahil kahit wala ng buhay ang buhay ko pakiramdam ko ay paulit-ulit pa rin akong pinapatay. Posible pala 'yun-dying a million times kahit na pakiramdama mo naman ay matagal ka ng patay.

Ilang beses ko bang hiniling na sana mamanhid na lang ako para mawala na 'yung nararamdaman ko? Because what I felt is a million times worse than what I felt before I met you.

Ilang beses pumasok sa isip ko na sana hindi na lang kita nakilala, but each time babawiin ko 'yun dahil hindi ko pala kaya na hindi ka dumating sa buhay ko.

Minsan naiinis na ko sa sarili ko, bakit ba kapit na kapait pa din ako samantalang napakabilis mo lang akong binasura? What went wrong, Jeraldine? Bakit bigla mo n alang akong iniwan? Was I too much? Or did I really mean nothing to you? If I die will you cry for me? Will you regret leaving me? It was a selfish thought, but I cannot help it. Gusto kong maramdaman na mahalaga ako sa'yo.