Someone Hiding in the Shadows...

20- Memory Girl

Gripping the leaflet in my hand tightly, my eyes scanned the letter over and over. A heavy weight sat inside me, knowing I had memorise all the details. I inhaled a deep breath. I could do this. Keep calm!

So, let's get this into perspective, I told myself. The way to deal with this obstacle was to memorise it, just like the phenomenal The Memory Man on television, who was jaw dropping able to remember a list as long as your arm. Now what was the best way to do that, ah yes, imagine things to remind you. I tried to follow the process by visualising myself walking through my apartment, picking things up in a certain order. I went over my imaginary circuit of my flat, over and over again, in exactly the same way.

It seemed to take no time at all, before I realised my station was fast approaching. It was now or never. Dramatically, I tore up the leaflet in very thin strips and threw it out the window and felt a rush of adrenaline.

It felt surreal, as though I was taking part in my version of True Lies, as I undertook the role of Jamie Curtis with less aplomb! I smiled at the thought of this; maybe I should tear my dress provocatively and slide up and down the nearest pole? I smirked and tried hard to restrain the chuckle inside me, as part of my laughter escaped. I noticed the other passengers in the carriage looking at me. This felt exciting, I wasn't sure yet, if it was dangerous, but maybe that was the appeal?

There was no one to share this situation with and who would believe me if I did? I had never bonded easily with girls my age, finding other girls in their twenties a tad bitchy. It made me feel like the black sheep. I you weren't going to be part of the flock and fit in with their accepted mould, you were an outcast. There was no compromise, I'd rather be on my own than be like them and so it came to be that I was, until I met Jarod.

My upbringing wasn't typical and most of the girl's conversations at the office just seemed superfluous as I worked on a different wavelength. Plus I had left home earlier than most of my counterparts and every penny I had, went into keeping a roof over my head. Unlike them, whose money was spent on holidays, festivals and going out, they usually lived with parents and had the cash to splash.

As soon as the girls at the office realised I was seeing Jarod, you could not help but see the jealous looks on their faces. If they noticed us both leaving the office together, the other women's looks were a mixture of curiosity and intimidation.

Once I overheard one of them say "Quiet ones always surprise you, don't they?" as she snorted "She must be good in bed!" and another said "She's probably into bondage," whereupon another piped up, "Well, I wouldn't mind tying him up, if you know what I mean?" to raucous laughter.

They didn't do discreet, yet I refused to lower myself to their level as I passed them by; although I half wanted to shout, "You don't know what you're missing!" but I didn't have the courage to say that but I couldn't resist a wink and small smile back at her. It was worth it to see her jaw drop in shock!

Jarod told me he noticed their jealously too, but he didn't care. He roared with laughter when I told him what I had done, as he thought it was hilarious. Jarod suggested I should say "Fifty Shades is tame stuff you know!" but I was not brave enough. My relationship with Jarod, didn't make my work life any easier, it made me more of an outsider.

There seemed to be bitchiness from the other girls that just floated in the air and seemed to always land on me. I learnt to detach myself from the atmosphere and keep my own counsel as otherwise whatever I said, was always construed to be in the worst light possible, at my expense. My innocence of life didn't help me one bit.

To me, I saw things in black and white, but life is various shades of grey and without a mother to guide me through most of my life, I didn't have the tool kit to deal with things and not see how people could interpret them incorrectly. I was just left vulnerable and easy prey.