lovestruck † hs

Chapter 54

Rachel's POV

"Five more minutes on your trust assignment before you need to turn them in for me to read before class ends," Mr. Porter announces. "This is to see how quick you can write; it's an easy grade, just have something on the paper. Maximum is the whole page, remember guys."

I found it ironic yesterday when he told us that today we'd be writing about trust as our first real journal entry besides the memoir. I sure should know a thing or two about trust especially from what happened just last Friday. I had all Monday night last night to think how I wanted to write this thing, though I concentrated more on my anger and self-consciousness than anything.

It's been a few days since I've actually spoken to Harry. He's sent messages everyday of an apology and an 'I love you', with a plea to call him back when I'm ready. I know that he knows I've read them. He called only twice, knowing I probably wouldn't answer that either. My cousins however, thinking I don't know, called him everyday telling him how I am dealing— or at least how they think I am with everything I was told Friday. I'm not quite on good terms with them two either yet.

I've basically talked to no one this past weekend. I've gone to dance which was Saturday, in full hopes it'd distract me, but facing myself in a mirror surrounded room made it worse. I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. I can't sleep, I'm now closely watching what I eat and how much thanks to those bikini pictures, and I'm just about ready to slam my head against a wall.

Unconsciousness ought to be better than consciousness with her face in my mind, right?

Poor Matthew, I felt awful on Sunday. At work that day he tried to be cool and sweet, making some funny inside jokes about what happened on Friday, but he noticed I was down and didn't bother much anymore besides taking me to the back, giving me a friendly embrace, and telling me he was here for me. When he saw me yesterday in class he had another coffee ready for me, and he kindly got me one this morning too. I don't think I've ever had a friend quite like him, and I appreciate him so much, especially through the shit irony that my relationship has come to.

I can't help but look over to him right now, and I glance at his page which is filled nearly to the end, and then some which he's still adding. I look back at mine, the whole page full, and start to re-read it. It took me a while to get started, but think I might just be done.

Prompt: Who/what do you trust? Why?

I will admit this assignment had me ponder much more than it probably should have, though after much thought I reached an answer. I do not trust anyone. You know why? People will always leave you, or break that trust. No matter what. My life as of the last couple of years has proved this immensely. They say they love you, show you that in ways that never cease to make you down, but then once someone or something else comes along, guess what? They'll change, and most likely leave you for it. Even people in love experience this. The lover sees a greater heaven in death and leaves you behind. Nothing proves this opinion of mine more than the example of love.

Trust remains a funny thing for me, something that I learned I must play cautiously with. Throughout the course of those last couple of years, my trust in others has continued to falter, then disappear into oblivion. I have come to really question trust and how we acquire it in the first place. Then I realized something, it begins in someone or something that you find obtaining the ability to make you feel safe, at home, or at ease; something that you feel comfortable with to truly be yourself. Whether it be faith, or a person, over time the relationship builds up. You latch on to whatever it may be with trust and internally pray it won't be broken. There's always something better, I have come to realize in my time on this earth. Whether it be alcohol, or another person, or absolutely anything, easily it competes to steal that trust and crumple it into pieces like a scrap of meaningless garbage. Sometimes, you cannot even trust trust itself.