hoodie || nh au

Two

Luke and I walk past Niall and Miranda sucking each others faces off. I can't get the imagine out of my head anymore. Ew.

"Gross", Luke mumbles, while taking my tiny hand in his.

"You can say that out loud."

We walk through the rich street towards our normal house. Niall lives here. His parents are rich but Luke and mine are just normal workers.

"You got pretty skinny again, Alex", Luke tells me.

"It's nothing. I'm stressed again, don't worry", I explain.

It's a full lie right there. I purge, yes and I don't eat very much but I can
control it. It's okay. I'll stop when I'm skinny enough. It's just a diet. We reach our house soon, so Luke opens the door, throwing his stuff next to the door, just like me. Mom and dad are at work anyway, so they can't check, if I eat or not. Luke usually cooks for me, too, but I eat it and throw up right after, so I stay skinny. It's just a diet trend.

"Want me to cook?", Luke asks.

"Yeah, maybe some noodles or something", I answer, going up stairs to find some comfortable things to wear.

I pull out some sweats and exchange them with my jeans. Much better. I do my homework while Luke cooks downstairs. He shouts my name soon, so I go down and get the food. We eat together in his room, watching a new episode of "2 Broke Girls". I take a huge fork full of noodles into my mouth.

All you're doing is eat calories. Why are you even eating this? You'll get fat! Just see how far you've come already. Do you really want to ruin that?

These thoughts constantly follow me when I eat. After I finish eating, I take my plate to the kitchen again and look at the clock.

Just think how much those noodles will make you fat. There's too many calories. Just look back to your old days. See how fat you were and still are!

I do the rest of my homework while I wait. When the ten minutes are over, I lock myself in my bathroom and sit down in front of the toilet.

Why did you even eat those noodles, Alex?

I stick a finger down my throat. I feel a gag apear, so I stick another finger in. It comes out faster than I thought. I flush it away and go back to my room, seeing my phone light up as a notification apears. I unlock my phone and see it.

Instagram: Niall Horan (niallhoran_bigd) is now following you.

What the actual fuck is going on? Niall really follows me on Instagram. How did he find my Instagram? I open the app and see that he's only following my diet site, not my personal.

Wait, you don't have a personal account. HE IS FUCKING FOLLOWING YOUR DIET-SITE.

I need to seriously chill right now. Almost everyone in school knows my site but Niall knowing about it takes this whole thing to another level. What if he starts calling me an attention whore or something like that? I really just want the world to know how good I'm actually losing weight. I want to help other people with losing weight and it's defnitly working for me. I can't fight it and posting on social media helps a little to control the hunger. Some people already dmed me that my site helps them with weight loss because they don't want to be like me. They tell me how sick I really am but no one really hated on me. Instead they're giving me tips to stay healthy and skinny, instead of sick and skinny. I am healthy and becoming skinny, so I don't know what they want. Josh knows about this site, too, but I blocked him on Instagram, so he can't see what I post, but we have a deal: If I ever feel bad again, like a few years ago, I have to tell him. Luke doesn't have Instagram, so I have no worries. I go on Niall's site and see that he's still on private, so I finally take my courage together and press the follow button. Niall accepts the request seconds later and I see the picture Josh showed me earlier. Soon I see a new notification from WhatsApp.

WhatsApp: Message from Niall Big D Horan

I don't even have his number but thank god the IPhone WhatsApp shows you the names. I open the message and read the text four times until I realize it's real.

Niall: You can fight ana.

You don't have ana, Alex. He's just making stuff up. You know ana would never come back.

I have to show Josh. He's going to flip tables. I take a screenshot and send it to Josh, writing:

Me: NIALL HORAN JUST DID THIS AND FOLLOWED MY INSTAGRAM x.x Burry me in my garden. pls...

Josh: I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!! *-* You go girl but fight your ana. We don't want you back in rehab 3 hours away from here. :*

I don't have ana. I'm on a diet and I'm healthy. I write a short 'okay' and go back to saving Niall's number in my contacts. Who knows when I need this again. I remember myself that I didn't take a picture for my Instagram yet. I put my phone on my desk and turn on the self-shoot mode. I pull up my hoodie, revealing my stomach. I shoot a few pictures and find the perfect one. I put a black and white filter on it. All of my pictures are black and white. I post it with a quote.

"Beauty is pain."
-> Feeling kinda okay today... Didn't eat much.

I hope people finally understand how bad it is to constantly fear to be fat and gaining weight, so they have ana but how I lose weight isn't through ana. I'm on a healthy diet. It's not easy. I ised to have anorexia. I was in therapy before but I failed. I failed me and my family. I'm just a huge failure. Ana had me in her arms. She's stranged me to death but I wouldn't let her win.

You know that I'm helping you, Alex. Just think of how far we've come.

I get up and walk to my wardrobe, picking out the clothes for tomorrow. I choose a black hoodie, black skinny jeans and a black top, if it gets too warm, so I can just walk around in a top. The notifications blast my phone. Likes, comments, dms and all that stuff fill my phone. Usually I sit on my phone and read all the notifications but today I don't feel like it. Today I feel like sleeping, so I lay down in my bed and close my eyes, trying to sleep, which I haven't done in a really long while.