hoodie || nh au

Twenty-eight

I stare at Niall, his fingers boring into my arm. His breath is flat.

"I just needed a change", I tell him honestly.

He lets go of my arm, making me rub it with my hand. I feel very exposed to him now, even if I'm wearing clothes.

"And you decided to get a tattoo and not tell me?", he growls a little.

"Yeah because you were too buisy eating Christina's toung. I can do whatever I want! I am 18 years old and it's my body. By the way: Did you tell me about Christina the day you gave me this fucking necklace? Did you tell me you actually wanted to give it to her?", I question, taking a break, "No, you didn't. You told me how much you trust me and how I could tell you eveything. That was a fucking lie, Niall!"

His expression softens. My head hurts now, thanks to my anger and my thoughts comming out of my mouth like vomit. I turn around, get my stuff and leave him standing there. That's what he gets for not telling me shit and giving me hope. I take the necklace off and stick it into my backpack. This is going to stay off for a while.

Throughout the day, a few people gave me compliments on my outfit and tattoo. And soon enough a teacher came by and threw a "shame-suit" at me. She told me my outfit was too revealing. We were right in front of my locker, so I got my spare hoodie out and threw it on. She was happy aferwards. Now I'm just waiting for Luke to pick me up and walk home with me. Josh got detention because he sweared and cursed at a teacher while the whole class was quiet. Damn idiot can't hold his mouth shut once. Niall and I ignored each other since my blast. I'm so glad I finally let it out. He'll probably hate me my whole life now. I can forget that job at his parents company now. They'll just throw me out. I feel my phone vibrate.

Luke: I'm going to the movies with friends. Want to come?

Me: No, I'll just walk home alone.

I put my earphones in after taking my hoodie off. This thing is getting warm. Usually I don't feel it because I'm cold from my anorexia but since I gained some weight, I can feel the warmth easily. I walk down the road to Niall's house. He drives past me. I arrive at his house, just as he gets out. Our eyes meet for a short while. I'm so mad at him. He has no right to tell me what to wear and do with my body. It's my life. Anyway, he's the one sucking faces with Christina. She is a skank. I hate her. I bet she doesn't even like Niall. I don't even know why I'm this mad at Niall. Maybe because I like him more than he likes me. He doesn't like me. I'm just a friend to him. My feet carry me past Niall's house. He walks down the driveway towards me. I feel like crying again.

Please do not talk to me.

His hand lays on my shoulder, preventing me from walking off. I rip my shoulder out of his grip. He then takes my hand. I whip around and push him away. I rip my earphones out.

"Leave me alone, Niall!", I scream at him.

I feel tears run down my face. My anger is so bad that I just cry. I'm not even sad (okay, maybe a little). Niall lets go of me.

"Stop fucking with my mind! I can't do this anymore. One second you're all nice and want to help me with my anorexia. The next second you tell me that you trust me and I can trust you. Then you just don't tell me shit! I am unable to deal with all of this! You make me want to cry out every last tear I have in my body", I shout at him.

He just stares at me. I feel like I need to shout out everything I have on my mind to him.

"I purged again! Because I have the feeling I'm not good enough for you. I like you, Niall! Four years! I wasted four years of my life liking you but it didn't help. After I got anorexic I was in therapy. I relapsed until the point I finally got to talk to you. You made me so happy. I felt like being okay again. Over the weekend we were at the lake I liked you even more. I have feelings for you, Niall! You just played with my heart. I actually thought you liked me but no, you like Christina", I say and open my backpack.

I look for the necklace. As soon as my fingers find it, I throw it at Niall. He picks it up, his eyes looking sad.

"I'm only your second choice and I will always be. Even if I get the job at your company, I'll be the second choice behind your wife and kids. I'll just be another employee to you! We won't be friends sooner or later. You'll forget about me like everyone does some day. Sometimes I think about our friendship and feel like it was a mistake. When I was alone with Josh and Luke, everything was okay. Sure, I was anorexic but sooner or later my parents would've send me back to therapy. Maybe that's just better for me. You'll forget about me and live a happy life with Christina and your kids. I should've never went to that party with Josh and Luke. You would've never went to that abdonned house and I would've been alone. All you do is hurt me. I can't do this anymore", I cry.

Niall just stares at me. I step towards him. His eyes are quite teary.

"You know what? I really need a break from everything. Do not try talking to me tomorrow or ever again", I tell him.

I turn back around and walk home. He doesn't even stop me. Maybe I'm not that important to him. I whipe the tears away and enter the house. No one's home. I go straight to my room. The pictures I hung up of Niall and I a few days ago annoy me now. I throw my bag next to my desk. The wall next to my bed is plastered in pictures of me and my friends (mostly Luke and Josh). I get on my bed, tears still running down my face. I see several pictures of Niall and I, even the one when we were at the campfire and sang songs together. My fingers lock around the edge of the picture. I rip it off and throw it on the floor. Several other pictures fly to the ground. I throw them in the bin. My eyes burn from crying. I take a picture of my pictures on the wall and post it on Instagram.

"Real friends are like a good book. You keep them forever."

I tag Luke and Josh in the picture. Maybe I should delete the picture of me and Niall from my page. The picture is one of my most liked pictures. I actually love the picture. Niall and I just need a break from each other.