hoodie || nh au

Fourteen

Fuck. Niall stands up and wraps his arms around my body. I disapointed Niall. He trusted me to be clean again and I failed. I failed miserably. I'm a failiure.

"I'm so sorry", I cry into his shoulder.

I lay my arms around his hips losely. Tears run down my face onto Niall's hoodie. I feel like crawling under a blanket and laying there forever.

"But why did you do it, Alex? You don't need to do this to yourself", he mumbles into my ear.

"She told me to", I say.

"Who told you?"

I sob into his shoulder and push him away a little. He lays his hands on my shoulder while I look down at the marble floor.

"Ana."

"Don't let Ana take over your body, Alex. You're stronger and what she's doing to you is bad. She's killing you", he tells me.

I turn away from Niall and empty the content of my backpack onto the floor. We need to stop talking about it. It makes everything feel worse. I stuff a snapback, my phone, a rain jacket and my wallet in my bag. I'll put water in it when we leave. It would make most sence to go in the morning, then it's cooler and we don't walk in the burning sun.

"Are we leaving soon?", I ask.

"Yes", Niall answers.

I take my bag, pull on my black Nike running shoes. Niall is packing his bag, as I go downstairs. Josh stands in the kitchen, as I enter it. Miranda and Sam are nowhere to be found. Luke is sitting in the livingroom. Josh ruffles my hair quickly.

"Idiot! Now I have to do my hair again", I laugh.

"Pff, you're such a girl", he smiles.

I tie up my hair again and get two bottles of water from the fridge. Josh throws me a smirk, as Niall comes down the stairs. I hit his shoulder lightly. He kisses my cheek and leaves me standing there. Niall gets himself some water, too. He bumps into my shoulder slightly, as he grabs some snacks from the cupboard above me.

"You should pack some snacks because of the times you have to eat", he tells me, not sharing a single glance.

I just take some stuff and shove it in my bag. Niall gets his phone out. He's probably texting some girl. I throw my bag over my shoulder and leave the kitchen. Luke and Josh are watching some movie. I stand behind them, watching the movie until Niall and I leave.

"What's between you and Niall?", Luke asks.

"What do you mean?", I ask quite confussed.

Luke raises his eyebrows and turns around to look at me. Josh does, too.

"The tension? One minute your laughing, the next you're all sad and he's mad", Josh explains.

"I don't know."

I rub my face with my hand. I don't want to explain myself. It's just a too long story. They turn back to the movie.

"Let's go, Alex", Niall says.

I give Luke a kiss on the cheek. Niall and I leave the house quickly. He walks by my side. The mountain we're going to hike isn't that high but you can still see a lot in the distance. Niall walks beside me. It's a quite awkward silence and tension between us. That's since he asked me why I purged again. I hate talking about that but some day I have to. Niall doesn't know my story. He doesn't know about Liam and the whole story behind it. He didn't just leave me. It was me. I left him.

"Do you want to take the long way or the short trail?", Niall asks me.

"Long, then we'll see more", I answer.

I look around. Birds sit on trees and watch us walk by. They have such an easy life. I wish I could be a bird. Like how beautiful they are. I wish I was that beautiful. Chickadee's are my favourite birds. They are so small and cute. Their chirping is so calming. Just then I see a chickadee sitting on a branch. It is a beautiful bird. The blue feathers with the black neck and the small beak. Oh man, I love these birds. I stop and pull out my phone. I snap a picture of the small chickadee. It flies away, as I start walking again. Niall stopped walking, too.

"Chickadee's are beautiful birds, aren't they?", he asks.

"Yeah, I love them. They're so beautiful. I wish I was a bird. They're so small and they can fly away when things get too crazy", I tell him.

He smiles at me, taking my hand. We continue walking. His hand is really warm in mine. I smile to myself.

"If you don't like talking about it, we don't have to, you know. I can wait until you're ready", Niall suddenly says.

I nod. I really need some more time. It's not that I don't trust Niall but I'm just not ready yet. It's too personal. I only know Niall for two weeks now.

*****

We take a few last steps. Niall let go of my hand a while ago because we took a break, so I could eat. We then walked the whole time. It's not that far anymore. We saw a whole lot of chickadee's on our way. Niall and I talked about a lot of stuff from school and about our wishes for the future.

"We almost got it", Niall tells me.

He climbs up onto a huge boulder. It's pretty big. Niall continues walking. I'm not strong enough to pull myself up.

"Niall, I need help", I shout.

He comes back soon. His face carries a smile. I raise my hand up for him to grab it. He takes it and pulls me up. I help him by pulling myself up with my other hand on the boulder. He smiles. I return it. His smile is so genue. It's so nice. I don't think Niall can hold emotions back. He's a honest and trustworthy person.

"Thanks", I smile.

He kisses my cheek. My cheeks turn a deep red. Urgh, curse you blood running into my cheeks. I follow Niall to the top. We arrive it soon. The view is beautiful. You can see the house from here and the lake looks so blue and clear. Niall takes a few pictures. I stand beside him and take my own pictures. My hands are shaky. They always were shaky when Liam was close to me. Before the things he said and did to me. It's because I was so exited to be with him. Suddenly I feel someone wrap their arms around my waist.

"Do you like it?", he asks.

"It's beautiful."

I smile a little and turn on the front camera. We smile into the camera. I take a few pictures. He then kisses my cheek and takes some pictures with his phone. From picture to picture my cheeks turn a shade darker into the red palette. He lets me go and goes behind me a little further. I just continue looking at the view. It's so beautiful. Then a small chickadee comes flying towards us. It lands on a branch in front of me. I take a picture. The lake is in the backround. I smile at the small bird. What a lucky little fellow.