hoodie || nh au

Fourty-eight

Niall's necklace dangles from my fingers, as I hold it out, looking at it intensly. Maybe I should just throw it in the lake or burry it under the ground. The only thing I could really think about is getting it melted and maybe re-used. But that would be very rude to do. What do I do now? Since I don't talk to Niall anymore, my sicknesses got a little better, especially my anorexia. It's just that I don't know what to do. My feelings for him are just too big. I really need someone to help me but Josh and Luke said it was my decision. I'm the only one who can decide correctly. My hands shake, as I put the necklace on the jetty. Why did I even come here? It's Niall's parents' house. I'm trespassing. When they catch me, I'm proabably never going to get that job. I still need to contact them and ask, if I am the one. Maybe they already selected a different girl. A much prettier and smarter girl. Niall's going to have an amazing personal assistant. He could get any girl at school as a girlfriend. Why do I even want to work for his family? I could search for a different company. Of course the book publishing is the coolest but I could also work for a celebrity. But that's impossible for me. I'm just a small girl from a small town.

"Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die, I can't fear death, no longer. I've died a thousand times. Why explore the universe, when we don't know ourselves? There's an emptiness inside our heads", the lyrics boom in my head.

I turn the music down a bit. It gives me a headache. The songs makes me think about a lot. Bring Me The Horizon's lyrics are so true. I really don't know what to do. Maybe I should just let go. People wouldn't even miss me that much. They would just live along. Niall would find a wife, a personal assistant and could just continue. My parents would somehow live with it. I'm going to move out sooner or later. Luke... He'll probably get really sad but he'll get over it. Josh will forget me, so that wouldn't matter. You don't have friends forever. Someday we are going to have new friends and live our own lives. It's sad but true.

*****

The silver blade lays on the floor with a little blood around it. Maybe the blade just accidentally fell from my desk onto my wrist but that would be a full lie. I put a dressing around my left wrist, covering the cuts from bacteria. My hands shake, as I clean up the floor and put the blade back into the drawer at my desk. The phone on my bedside table starts ringing furiously.

"Oh! I wanna dance with somebody. I wanna feel the heat with somebody. Yeah! I wanna dance with somebody, with somebody who loves me", that's Josh's favourite song.

I decided to use it as his ringtone. He just loves it so much. I take the call.

"Hey! What's up?", I ask happily.

"Hi, biatch. I wanted to ask you, if you could come over to my place. I need help with Math. It's not really finding its way into my head", Josh tells me, sounding calm and happy.

"Sure, I'll be there in 20 minutes. Just make me a cup of tea like usually and lay out the stuff you don't understand on the floor. I'll look over the stuff, you know the routine", I tell him.

"Okay. See you."

I hang up. My feet carry me to my closet. I take a pair of gray Nike jogging pants, a red hoodie and a gray beanie. Josh's place is quite a walk away from my place, so I decide to drive there. My bag is already packed, as I pull on my shoes, grabbing everything else and pulling on a jacket, just to make sure I don't freeze. The way to Josh's is quite a ride. Some old guy almost drives into me while I want to turn into a road. I almost killed a stupid cat. It just ran onto the street. When I knock on Josh's door, my knuckles feel like they're frozen into place. It's really cold but the snow is almost completely gone. Josh opens the door, giving me a smile. He pulls me inside. We hug quickly.

"Do you know how much I missed our study sessions at the end of the year?", he questions, helping me hang up my jacket.

"I missed them a lot, too. Especially your amazing apple and cinamon tea", I smile brightly.

He leads me up the stairs to his room which is scattered of books and paper and pens. He never really was a clean and neat person but that's one of the few flaws I love that he hates. We settle on the floor with two cups of tea and a hundred different exercises and books. I read through a few things he marked red and explain it to him. Math is easy but there are hard ones for me, especially Spanish, Literature and Chemistry. They are my worst classes with all C's but I don't really give a shit about them. My grades are good enough. I'm not a perfectionist. All I want is my degree, a job and a life.

A few hours into learning, Josh recieves a call from someone. He excuses himself from the room. My eyes go over Josh's last exercise. He really solved it great. His Math finals are probably going to be better than mine. I check my phone for the time. 4:30pm. I didn't really check when I left the house but it must've been ages. Josh and I often used to meet on Saturdays or Sundays to learn together. We just lost track because of everything going on. Luke and him, Niall and I... We kinda disolved. It's pretty sad but I think we can get back to normal soon. As soon as Josh enters his room again, he smiles down at me.

"It's enough for today. You should put on some jeans. We're going somewhere", he smirks.

"I don't have any with me", I tell him in a duh-tone, not really wanting to go wherever he wants to go to.

"I still have your sleepover stash, duh", he smiles, mocking me.

Oh, right. I often used to sleep here, so we exchanged some clothes to make it easier. He hands me the black jeans from his closet. I quickly try them on. They are a little small.

That's what happens when you gain weight.

I try to mask the voice but she comes back more often lately, even though I'm happy with my body at the moment. Josh and I leave the house, getting into my car. I drive us to the directions Josh tells me. He leads us to a cinema. What? I don't want to watch a movie. I park close to the entrance. The huge letters at the cinema announce the movie playing. Finding Dory. I really wanted to watch this with him. Now my mood goes up to a maximum.

"Really?", I ask super excited.

"Yeah! My girl needs her time with her best friend", he laughs at my excitement.

We get out of the car soon but we don't go inside. We wait outside after buying four tickets to the movie. Josh won't tell me who's coming. Soon my brother apears with a slight smirk on his lips. We greet quickly. That's the moment I see the car drive into the spot next to my car. That car makes me want to cry right on this spot. Josh set me up. He's an idiot of a best friend. I glare at him, while Niall gets out. He walks over to us quickly, just greeting everyone with a smile. I try to ignore the fact that Niall's here but Josh just really set me up.

"Could you give us the cards?", I press out.

The preasure in my lungs goes away slightly, as I tell Josh those words. He hands me our cards. It's pretty bad seats all the way in the dark corner of the cinema. Only the couples sit back there and suck each others faces during the movie. While Niall and Josh get some snacks, Luke and I start a conversation.

"Why is he here?", I ask him quite angry.

"He's part of the squad just like you, so don't be mad and stuff. He's just here because I asked him to", he defends himself.

"What seats do you two have?", I grumble.

"Fourth row, pretty much in the middle", he smirks.

"You guys are setting us up!", I exclaim quietly, trying not to get any attention.

After the boys got their food, Niall and I try to find our seats all the way in the back while the others sit perfectly.

"Do you want some?", he asks, as soon as we sit down, holding out a pack of M&M's.

I shake my head. He needs to stop acting like nothing ever happened. It's all his fault. He's the one who doesn't tell me shit.