hoodie || nh au

Fourty-two

Niall and I sit down on the jetty. It's freezing but the hoodie keeps me warm. I feel my eye swelling up. Christina had a good hit. Niall still didn't notice that my eye is swollen. I hide my hands in my hoodie sleeves. Niall and I didn't talk much since I told him I regret sleeping with him. He's been trying to make me smile but I just can't. I still reget sleeping with him. It just made me feel more towards him. The butterflies are stronger and my mind is going crazy when I see him. Maybe I should just tell him about my feelings. Then I at least know what's up. Niall doesn't like me that way, it's clear, so why should I tell him about my feelings for him?

"What happened to your eye?", he suddenly asks.

I look at him. His mouth is slightly opened.

"Christina found me and punched me in the face. But it's okay", I explain, turning my face away from him.

"You need to cool it, birdy. It's going to bruise really bad", he says.

I just nod and follow him into the house. Niall walks to the kitchen. I sit down on the counter, waiting for him to come back. He gives me a towel and bag of ice. I wrap the ice bag into a towel and hold it against my eye. Niall stands in front of me. He pulls me forward, so my bum is just on the edge. Niall steps between my legs.

"When this happens again, I want you to tell me as fast as possible, okay?", he asks.

I nod. Niall's hands lay on my knees. He traces small shapes on them. I shiver slightly, as he hits a hole in my ripped jeans with his finger. A tingle is felt on the spot.

"We're going home soon. Do you want some of my sweats, so you don't have to wear that clothes the whole time? The jeans look uncomfortable", Niall smiles.

"That would be nice", I tell him.

We walk upstairs to the room everything happened in. The condom still lays on the ground. Niall picks it up and throws it in the bin nearby.

"Forgot to put that away", he admits.

Niall digs through the wardrobe. He already has a stash of clothes here. I catch the black Adidas sweats. They're so huge. Niall leaves the room, so I can change the pants. The pants are huge on my body. It's really bad when you're anorexic. You actually don't know how skinny you are until you wear clothes of a normal person. I tie the sweats tightly with the bow. I leave the room. Niall waits at the stairs.

"Let's go home", he smiles, taking my hand.

*****

Josh told Luke. He actually told him that I had sex with Niall. Luke is flipping tables right now. Thank god my parents aren't here at the moment. Luke's been shouting at me the second I got into the house. He sat me down on his bed and started telling me everything that could've gone wrong and how I could be pregnat. I know that I'm not pregnat. We used a condom and I took the pill afterwards. Luke drove me to the nearest pharmacy to get it. I don't understand what the drama's all about.

"You need to shut your mouth, Lucas! Nothing bad happened", I interrupt his cursing and stand up from his bed.

"You don't tell me to shut up, Alexandra! I am your older twin brother! I have t-"

"I love Niall and I was drunk, Luke! He was, too, but still cared about me. It was just a small fuck to him, no worries", I say, my voice quiet.

I leave his room and lock myself into my room, so he can't get in. Just as I sit down at my desk, the door downstairs slams shut. Luke left me. My life is just slowly fucking me. I scratch my wrist and feel the scars under my nails. The bubbling need to cut fills my veins. I'm just a worthless piece of shit. I open the drawer of my desk, getting out a small box. The small blades shine in the light. I take one, rolling my sleeves up. It's been one and a half months since I last cut. I quickly get bandages and a dressing for each arm. The sound of silence fills my ears. Such a nice sound to hear. The blade is cold. I didn't use it in such a long while. I don't cut to kill myself, I cut to punish myself. The blade digs deep into my skin. I hiss and start crying. I'm such a failiure. I'm too weak. I purged again, I cut again, I let Niall sleep with me and worst of all I'm falling deeper. Too deep. I take a look at the quote I had in my locker. Niall said something similar to that to me earlier. Maybe he threw that paper into my locker. But that would make absolutely no sence. He's the one that wants us to just be friends. I take a few more deep cuts, sticking bandages over the cuts and wraping a dressing over each wrist and lower arm. My phone starts ringing, so I pick it up and read the caller ID.

Niall

I deny the call and throw my phone on my bed. I put on a new black hoodie since the white one I just wore turned partly red due to the blood. Just as I want to look at my phone to check the time, the doorbell rings. I go downstairs, tears still running down my face. My eye finds the spy. The gray hoodie and black skinny jeans with that blonde hair is just unable to not recognize.

"What do you want?", I ask him.

My voice cracks in the end. The window at the door is cracked open slightly, so he can hear me better.

"Did you cry, birdy?", he questions back.

I slide down the wall next to the door. More tears escape my eyes. I'm such a failiure. Just like Liam always said, I will always be a failiure.

"Alex, let me in", Niall says, panic in his voice.

"Leave me alone, Niall. I can handle this on my own", I explain.

I pull my sleeves up.

You are a failiure. You'll never be able to do anything without help. You're such a baby.

"Alex, I'm always here for you. Just open the door. We need to talk about something. Your brother h-"

"Leave my brother out of this! He has nothing to do with my problems."

Just then the door opens. Niall steps in with a key in his hand. He found our spare key. I just stay on the floor. He closes the door behind himself. His eyes find me and wander down my body to my arms. I pulled up my sleeves, fuck. I quickly pull the sleeves over my fingertips. Niall walks over to me. He kneels down in front of me. I hide my face behind my hands. Niall lifts me up, placing me on his lap. His arms are wraped around my waist.

"You're my warrior. Don't ever give up, birdy. You're the only girl in my life that's important to me right now. I love you, Alex. Don't ever forget that. I'm always there for you", he whispers in my ear.

"Don't tell me that you love me. It's not true anyway", I say, sliding off of his lap.

I get up and go to my room. My bed looks so welcoming. I lay down in it. The door to my room opens and in comes Niall. He takes his shoes off, pulling his jeans up a little. I turn my back towards him. Niall lays down beside me, cuddling himself up to me.

"But I really love you, Alex", Niall says.

I sob quietly. He does love me. Niall turns me around, so I have to look at him. He pulls me to his chest.

"Take your time. It's a lot to think about at the moment", he whispers.

I nuzzle my face into his chest. He really loves me but why am I sad? I should be happy. He's probably just saying it because I'm hopeless and he just wants to make me feel good.

"I love you", he whispers again, kissing my head.