hoodie || nh au

Five

Josh walks towards me. I slam my locker shut. He hugs me quickly.

"Hey", he says.

I just smile and sling my bag onto my shoulders. He's still staring at me, so I snap my fingers in front of his eyes.

"Niall freakin' hot motherfucker Horan posted you on his Instagram. Do you know what that means? You're about to be the next Queen Bee", he shrieks quietly, so no one hears him.

I pinch the bridge of my nose in annoyance. How did he see it was me? I hid it from my profile. Sometimes I hate Instagram. Why do I even have it?

So you can look at skinny girls and see how much you still have to lose to be pretty and skinny.

"How do you know it's me?", I ask, taking a step back and looking at Josh intensly.

"Your shoes and your hoodie. I recognized them. You have destroyed black Vans. Every other person I know would've thrown them away", he laughs.

"Yes, okay, it is me but what does it matter? Miranda is probably too stupid to realize it's me and the rest of school won't tell because they don't know me that good", I explain.

Josh shrugs and takes my hand. We start walking towards our class. He drags me behind him but I soon bump into Sam. I fall right on my bum. Niall's with him. Niall's eyes bore into mine, as Josh helps me up.

"Better watch out, where you go, fat ass", Sam laughs.

"You're the fat ass", Josh scoffs.

I continue walking and end up in my History class next to Miranda. She passes me a note during class. My name is written on it, so I open it and read.

Keep your hands off of Niall. - M

I roll my eyes. I'm surely not going to take Niall away from Miranda, even though I have a small crush on him since Sophomore year. He's just an idiot. Yesterday he was all nice, tagged me as a friend but doesn't even talk to me today. Jackass. The bell rings sooner than I thought, so I get up from my seat and start walking. Suddenly I feel a bit dizzy, so I hold myself up on a desk. The others, our teacher, too, leave the room, so I'm the only person left. Maybe I should've eaten the low fat yougurt my brother gave me this morning. Maybe I shouldn't have purged the meals from two days.

But that's how you lose weight, Alex. Beauty demands to feel pain.

I get my waterbottle from my bag and take a few sips. This diet is killing me but who wants to be pretty has to live with the consequences. I leave the room, too, and find Luke standing at his locker across this room.

"Hey Luke", I smile and wave slightly.

"Hi", he laughs.

I pull my hoodie hood over my head and start walking to Pre-calculus, my favourite class. Yes, I'm kinda a nerd. Math just makes so much sence when you understand it.

*****

I get to Luke's locker before the bell signals for school to end. We always walk home together. Josh gives me a hug while walking out of school. He didn't talk to me much today, which is weird for him. Usually he likes to sit at lunch with me and talk about the good old gossip. Today he just told me how skinny I got and forced me to eat a piece of toast. It was so good. Just a toasted piece of toast with little butter. That was a whole meal for me. I don't think I'll purge the breakfast anymore. I got really dizzy twice before lunch. We don't want to find me lying on the ground and then being brought to the hospital. I know that I'm okay and this diet is hard but it works.

Eating nothing at all is the best because then we don't have the feeling of guilt inside of us, Alex.

Suddenly I hear someone slam their fist against a locker and a string of profanties fall from the persons lips. Everyone already left and I'm still waiting for Luke. He's never late when we want to walk home.

"Fucking shit", the Irish accent booms through the hallway, as he makes his way to the hallway I'm standing in.

Actually I don't want to see him. He didn't speak one word to me the whole day. Maybe he's embaressed that he talked to me on Friday night. I would understand him in his position. The popular rich kid talks to the fat poor girl. Yeah, I understand. Niall soon comes to my sight, so I press my back further into Luke's locker. Hopfully he won't see me. Niall's eyes turn towards me. His expression gets slightly softer but it changes back quickly and I see a deep blue bruise still formed under his eye and on his cheek. Josh and Luke surely beat him up good.

"What are you looking at, fat ass?", Niall growls.

He's only speaking the truth. You are a fat ass and he'll never like you. He felt pity, so he talked to you on Friday. The post was just to cheer you up for being a loser.

I turn my eyes to the ground.

"Noth-"

"Spare it", he spits.

He leaves the school and I still wait for Luke. He's never this late. I put in my earphones and text Luke, that I'm walking home alone. Sex on fire by Kings of Leon blasts in my ears. This song is amazing. It's not quite my music taste but I still love it. One day I want this to be played while having sex with the love of my life. I know it's kinda weird but I love this song and it's so powerfull. Yes, I already had sex but it's two years back. That time I actually had a boyfriend. Soon he found out I was anorexic and left me. It still hurts. His name was Liam. I tried to get my mind off of Niall that time and decided I needed a boyfriend. I really liked Liam and Niall but I had to decide. Eighter I wait for Niall and never have a boyfriend or I take Liam and be happy, so I went out with Liam. We got together two months after we first met. We were a happy couple and then I became depressed and anorexic. First it was just eating less what nobody noticed. Then it was eating nothing at lunch and purging supper. In the worst days, I didn't eat at all and I purged every drop of water from my body. Josh and I are friends since kindergarden and even before kindergarden. Our parents are great friends. He helped me through ana that time. After Liam left me, I went in therapy, three hours away from home. He visited me when he could and also called me every night. I love Josh. He came out four years ago and is single since then. The only guy he had interest in, was my brother but he's not gay and would never turn gay, even for my best friend.

Look at that poster with Gigi Hadid... She's so skinny and beautiful. You look like a runover trashcan compared to her, fat ass.

I take a picture of the poster and put a black and white filter on it. Then I post it on Instagram.

"Doesn't matter what I do, I'm exhausted. Battling with thoughts and feelings is incredibly draining."
-> Walking home from hell. Found this beautiful woman hanging there and decided I need some motivation. Felt bad today, ate some toast because I felt dizzy... That was a wrong descision.

I turn my eyes from the poster and see Niall's car drive past me. His house is only a few feet away from me, on the side of the street I'm walking on. He gets out and looks at me. His eyes bore to my body. I look at the ground while still listening to Sex on fire. When I pass his house, he still stares at me. This boy has some serious moodswings.