hoodie || nh au

Three

It's Friday. Luke somehow managed to get invited to Niall's party and Josh is, too. Josh texted me this morning before school and Luke told me at the breakfast table. I walk past a few people who follow my Instagram. They give me weird looks. Yes, I gained a few gramm of weight since last time I checked but I'll get it down again soon, I hope. I walk past a few more people I know from Instagram and open my locker. The books I need today are Maths, Literature, Physics, History and Biology. I shut my locker soon and wait for Josh to come and meet me here, so we can go to Biology together. We usually do this every morning. Soon I see a blonde quiffed boy walking down the hallway. His piercing blue eyes look around like they search for someone. His eyes last on my body longer than anyone elses. As he turns his eyes away, he shakes his head slightly. He can see that I gained weight.

Fat people get noticed faster.

Josh soon apears. He has a cute bun on his head, like really tiny and cute. I like his hair. He somehow looks like a young version of Curt Kobain. It's cute.

"Are you going to the party with me?", he asks after a few moments of silence.

"No, it's just not my world. There are too many people and the loud music makes my ears hurt", I tell him honestly.

And there are more people to judge you anyway.

"Okay but when you decide differently, tell me because I ain't driving to your place twice. Your brother already asked me to pick him up", he groans in annoyance.

I just nod and start walking with him beside me. We walk past Niall and his friends, so I stare down at my feet. It's emberassing that he knows about my past anorexia, since I kinda like him. I bet he thinks anorexic girls are gross but fat girls are hated, too. Skinny girls are loved by boys. I look back up and see Niall looking at me, checking me out from head to toe. I pull my hoodie hood more into my face, so he doesn't have to see my makeupless face. Makeup isn't my favourite thing, so I don't wear it or at least not that much.

He only likes skinny girls with perfect hair and makeup. He isn't into depressed and anorexic girls like you, Alex.

I am not anorexic. I am healthy and clean from old habits. As soon as he looks into my eyes, I feel scared. His expression is so mad but why? I don't know.

"Alex? Did you even listen to me?", Josh suddenly asks me.

"Sorry, I was in thoughts", I mumble.

*****

A knock is heard on my bedroom door.

"Come in", I shout.

Luke opens the door and sits down next to me on my bed, looking down at my laptop. He's been trying to get me to go to the party with him but I don't want to go. Of course I've been to parties before but never one of Niall's. It would be interesting to see such a huge and expensive house but I can't. Everyone would be looking at me and my worthless self. I should just die in a hole. I cut after school because some girl talked about me at lunch. I did it before and it releaved my pain from past occasions. I know that it isn't good and self-harm isn't a way to solve problems but I just think it helps me learn to gain self awareness. But the girl still hurt me. It wasn't really directed towards me but it was about my account and my posts.

"How can you be such an attetion whore? That girl is so annoying on Instagram. She's just another suicidal and anorexic girl. She doesn't deserve the 10k followers."

I feel the tingling sensation on my wrist again, so I pull my hoodie sleeve down a bit more to my hand. Luke takes the laptop and opens "The Useless Web". I hate when he does that. He knows how much I love it.

"Please, Alex, come with me and Josh. I swear, I'll stick to you the whole time and I think Josh will stay with you, too", he beggs, finding a page with only dogs and rainbows.

"I don't know. I will go, if you don't let me standing alone", I tell him.

"I promise."

I nod and push him off of my bed. Now I just have to find something to wear. It's not that easy when your closet is full of hoodies and black skinny jeans. I just pick a dark grey hoodie from Nike and a pair of black ripped skinny jeans and black Vans. I won't wear makeup today. It's just not my thing today. Josh comes all too soon, so we leave the house. I only take my phone and house keys. Who knows how we get back home. I take a picture of my theighs in the car and post it.

"Weight loss is hard but the results pay out."
-> Off to a party. Hope my outfit is good. I'll probably rant on it later this night.

I look back at Josh and Luke, who are full in a conversation. I wish I could hold up a proper conversation like that. We only drive five minutes to Niall's house. It's huge. I can already tell that the house is only made of white marble floors and white walls and many silver and black decorations. Every expensive house looks like that. The music is horrible. It's some remix of a Bring Me The Horizon song and I hate it already. Maybe it won't be that bad later on. Josh and Luke walk in front of me. Luke just opens the front door, so we enter the huge house. The beat of the music makes my heart jump. My whole body fills with the pounding of the beat. I look around, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. My ponytail fell apart a little in the car but I don't care. I scratch my wrist a little, only to feel the scars and cuts. Luke and Josh lead me to the kitchen. Some people stare at me weirdly.

See how they're judging you. Maybe you shouldn't have come.

It's a wonder that I'm even here. Usually I stay home from parties because of the mean stares. I hear some people talk to others while we walk through the kitchen to the garden.

"What is she doing here?"

"Doesn't she have enough anxiety already?"

"Her brother is so poor, having a depressed and anorexic sister. Poor Luke."

"Does she know, we have like 24°C?"

"Her theigh gap got smaller."

I just follow Josh and Luke while being judged by other people. We arrive outside and I see a huge pool with tons of people indside.

"What the fuck is she doing here?", I hear the most beautiful but mean girl in school behind me.