hoodie || nh au

Forty-nine

The movie ends quicker than I thought. Niall didn't even try to talk to me anymore. I just looked over at him a few times to make sure he wasn't looking at me but of course he sometimes looked at me. Josh and Luke were out of our sight, so I couldn't glare at their heads. I will talk to Luke and Josh about this action. We make our way outside. Luke and Josh are nowhere to be found. I take a few steps away from Niall. The silence is quite awkward. He gets his phone out, typing around on it, while I just watch the people walking past us. The cinema doors open and out come Josh and Luke. Their hair is all over the place. Ew.

"Alex, would you mind giving me your car for the night? Josh and I need to do something. You can drive home with Niall. I'm sure he'll take you", Luke asks, his voice quite excited.

I throw my car keys towards him. He nods thankfully.

"Let's go", Niall says, grabing his car keys from his pocket.

I get in on the passenger side. The ride home feels so long. The silence is violating my brain. My thoughts overrun me. I feel like I need to hit my head somewhere. It hurts so much when the voices overcome my happy thoughts. I look down to see if Niall still has a radio in his car but the empty hole where it laid greets me. The cables hang out. Looks like someone just ripped it out. Niall probably got really mad and ripped it out in rage. My hands fumble with my jacket sleeves. Niall doesn't even seem to care, if I'm here or not. My eyes search for something to look at. I don't want Niall to think I care about him. He stops in front of my house. Just as I want to open the door, he locks the doors. My hand stays on the door.

Just let me go.

"Alex, we need to talk. And this time I'll be one hundred percent honest. I'll answer all of your questions but you have to promise me that you stay with me. Just be with me forever", Niall starts talking.

I turn around to him, seeing he started smoking. Niall changed so much. He didn't smoke anymore before he met Lucy. She made him smoke again. It's gross. I though he stopped.

"What do you say? I'll be honest and you never leave me", he asks again.

Maybe I should give it a shot. He probably just wants me to forgive him to push his ego. I just want to be happy again. I nod.

"What do you want to know? I'm an open book."

I think a few seconds and decide to start with a simple question.

"Why do you smoke again?", I question quietly.

"Stress makes people do bad things to themselves", he tells me, throwing the cigarette out of the window.

My eyes wander down to his hands. He has burns on his hands. They look like he pressed cigarettes out on his hands. Did he self harm? I'm the one who has to hurt themselves. My eyes wander back to his eyes. He looks at my wrist. The sleeves slipped up a little and revealed the bandages. My hands pull the sleeves down over my hands.

"You self harmed, Niall?", I ask.

He looks down to his hands, seeing the burns.

"Yes, I did. And I regret it. I never should've burned myself over such small things like us fighting. I actually know that you come back to me everytime."

I shake my head. I don't crawl back to him. He's always the one to come back and say sorry. I'm just the one accepting the appology.

"And I assume you did, too", he says.

I nod lightly, opening my jacket, pulling up my hoodie. I point at the red lines on my stomach. Then I pull my shirt a little higher, showing him some bruises I gave myself.

"Oh Alex. I'm so sorry for doing that all to you. It's just all my fault. The scars you will carry are all caused by me", he tells me, putting his head in his hands.

I just stare at him, not knowing what I should say.

"It's all my fault. My fucking fault. You will never forgive me. The things I've done to you. The lies, the secrets, the backstabbing. You won't believe me how sorry I am."

I shrug. He lifts his head to me. My eyes lock with his. The branches of his tree tattoo pull my attention on it. I wish I was a station on his tattoo, even if it's just a chickadee on one of the branches, I'd identify with it.

"Do you have any more questions? Maybe about Lucy?"

"No, she told me everything I would need to know... Oh, but why didn't you tell me about her? I got really mad at you because you didn't tell me. Seconds before I saw you, you told me we had to start telling each other things to trust each other. That moment I wanted to smack you so hard", I tell him honestly.

"I didn't tell you because of no particular reason. I know that you feel more than friendship towards me, so I thought I'd break your heart. I'm sorry. I really need to start telling you stuff."

"I don't like you more than friends. I'm just not good at having guy friends."

Lie.

Niall's eyes slide to my ear. He pulls my beanie off, brushing some hair away to see the tattoo. It's covered with make up. I didn't want to see it. It just hurts a lot.

"Why do you cover it? It's so beautiful. Your nickname is wonderful", he smiles.

"It hurts to see it when we fight. Maybe it was a bad idea to get it tattooed", I answer.

"It's never a bad idea. You are wonderful and if people don't see it, they lose."

"Okay. I do have one more question..."

"And that would be?"

I gulp down the lump in my throat. My eyes try to find anything but Niall. I studder out some senseless words. My mouth suddenly feels dry.

"Why... Why did you have sex with me that night we got drunk? I mean, you could've stopped. Sex is something when you love someone. I still question why we did it? Usually I don't let anyone touch me", I finally get out.

My eyes flicker back to Niall. He has a slight smirk on his face. His hands take mine.

"You know, I'm a guy and we have certain needs and we both were drunk, so stupid things happen just don't get too attached. We can stay best friends anyway. We just made a mistake", he answers.

I nod. He gives my hand a kiss.

"Why don't I come in with you and we watch a movie together? How does it sound?", Niall smiles.

I shrug. He unlocks the car. We enter my house, seeing my parents downstairs. They greet us quickly before Niall and I go upstairs. Before we start the movie, I get some comfortable clothes from my brother for Niall. They are a little big but still. I change into some sweats and take off all of my makeup before laying down next to Niall. We select a movie. Maybe I will never be with Niall. He told me that he doesn't feel the same as me.