hoodie || nh au

Fourty-three

Niall and I didn't talk for three weeks straight. It's December now and freezing, winter break is starting today. I started cutting and purging again. My weight is back to my lowest. I don't feel good anymore. My parents found out that I'm back to depression and anorexia. I'm talking to a therapist every week. My parents don't think another therapy at a hospital would be good for me. I probably would have to repeat my Senior year due to the months of school I would miss. My parents, Josh and Luke are going to fly to New Orleans to visit our family for Christmas. My parents think it's okay that Luke is gay because he's with my best friend and they trust him. I'll be staying alone over the break. I don't really want to go to New Orleans. My grandparents are just going to comment on my weight and my depression and I don't really need that again. I open my locker for the last time this year. 2017 is going to be a new year. And I won't say "New year, new me" because it's not true. I won't be new and different. I'll just stay the depressed and anorexic girl.

"Alex!", Sam shouts through the hallway.

He's in such a Christmas mood, it's getting really bad. He already decorated everyone's locker with mistletoes and small pine tree twigs. I get surprised, as Sam pulls a Santa hat over my head.

"Have a nice Christmas holiday", he smiles, jumping away.

I smile to myself, getting all of my books from my locker. I'll be learning for my finals the whole break. Miranda is sick, so I already texted her to have a nice break. I pull on my jacket and leave the school. Niall's car stands at his house, as I walk past his place. I don't know what he'll do this break. My feet carry me to the place of my therapist. She's really friendly and always gives me some cookies. I open the door. It smells like vanilla here, not like most doctors places. I enter the waiting section, after telling the lady at the front desk that I'm there. A few people sit in the room. Many are girls. They all have scars scattered on their wrists. They feel what I feel. I'm not alone.

*****

I wake up and look at the clock. 7:32am. I get up.

"Merry Christmas to you, Alex", I tell myself and get the gray Nike hoodie and a pair of black skinny jeans from my closet.

After my shower, I pull these things on. I gained some weight since I'm with my therapist. She helps me a little but sometimes I still purge and cut. Niall and I didn't talk for a really long time and I didn't see him in ages. I miss talking to him. My birdy tattoo is all healed up. I somehow regret getting it but it still shows the best time of my life. My eyes wander to the Christmas tree in our living room. A few presents lay there. My parents put them there before they left with my brother and Josh. Sam and Miranda brought a present over for me, too. They're going to see Miranda's family for Christmas and Sam's for New Years Eve. I'll be alone on New Years Eve as well. My parents are going to celebrate with friends and Luke will be at a party with Josh. I know that I'm 18 but inside I'm still a kid. I need someone. The Christmas spirit didn't really come to me this year. That's why I didn't get presents for anyone exept Niall. I got it two weeks ago in hopes to talk to him again. Maybe I could just watch some Christmas movies to lift the spirit.

Several movies later and a break of two hours for a nap, I'm ready to open my presents. I look at the presents under the tree. Maybe Niall gave one to Miranda and she put it here. I reach to my neck and feel the chickadee necklace Niall gave me. I didn't take it off once. My bum finds the floor next to the presents. I take a small box into my hands. It's from Josh. Suddenly the doorbell interrupts me. I get up, tightening my ponytail and pulling the sleeves of my hoodie down my arms more. Who could ring at my door this late on Christmas Eve? I open the door slowly, only seeing dark. The light of our porch broke. My eyes try to focus on the person but my eyes don't get used to the light. I turn the light in the hallway on to see who's at the door. A smile spreads across my face. Niall's blue eyes look back at me. He has a box in his hand. I'm too surprised to say anything. I let him enter the house. I close the door. He takes me into a hug while I smile widely.