City of Blind ✓

Heart to heart

BEAR WITH THIS NOTE, I AM REALLY VERY EMOTIONAL AT THE MOMENT AND I REALLY NEED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST. I HOPE YOU READ IT BECAUSE I TOOK 2 HOURS TO WRITE IT FOR YOU PEOPLE.

Okay, this book is really close to me and I'm kind of emotionally attached with all the characters. I know that some people will think that I am overreacting or I am melodramatic but honestly I don't care. I just need to get this word out.

I thought of this book when one of my friend was complaining about how her big brother troubles her all the time while I was looking at her incredulously because let's just admit, being the eldest of all your siblings, sucks big time. It was like 2 in the morning and all I could do was wonder how it will feel to have an adorable idiot protecting me from all the monsters.

So yeah, It was a bashful idea at 2 in the morning and I swear I gave up on it because I thought that cliche books rule Wattpad, who the hell will be patient enough to read my book.

It was pretty simple at first, without all the drama and princess jazz. But the duration of time I spent doubting myself, helped me brush up and add a lot of twists to the simple plot. I am so glad that I wrote it. During the writing process, I got so attached to the characters because they took birth out of a simple craving and became the tranquilizer of the same. I carved each one of these babies to the best I could've. There are at least 30 draft chapters I deleted because they didn't do justice to my babies.

I swear I almost gave up on myself because as the book neared it's completion, I started becoming moody and snappy. Very snappy. If it wasn't for my amazing sister (makdimanav), I would've definitely given up because literally no one apart from her gives two fucks about my achievements in writing world.

I also want to tell you a little thing that I hope helps you or inspires you.

2 months ago, when I was all moody and snappy like stated above, I came across this book on wattpad (I won't name but I think you'll guess it) with like 100's of million views and millions of votes and comments. People were commenting that they are reading it 4th time, 5th time etc. A day later, I found that the book is soon to be movie as it's rights are sold and the author is so so so famous. I clicked her instagram and there I saw a screenshot of her notifications. There was a number in k written above the notification sign and at that moment, all negative energy around me, invaded my soul.

I self doubted so bad. Like I have previously stated, I am like Astrid. I don't care about my looks (majorly) but I repeatedly question my abilities (like she did when Aiden and Alex sabotaged their captaincy chances). I am horribly low on self esteem. I am very insecure about my talent and I fear judgment a lot. Even now, when I open a comment notification, I expect the worst form of hate (Thankfully, I am proved wrong every time).

Maybe this is because I never had people to cheer me up and make me believe in myself. All I had at that moment was my sister to snap on, my damn music (and JB documentaries).

Questions like- 'who will read this stupid plot? It's not even imaginable or a cliche.', 'will I always stay on the ground? will I ever be able to live my dreams?', 'will my notifications be filled with all the love and support too?'- were making me insane. I cried so much because of self doubts and insecurities. I swear, I was human version of zombie. I never thought that insecurities can hit a person so bad.

In those days, all I could think was that I don't have anything special. I won't make it far.

Until one day.

I was looking out of my apartment window at night. It's on 6th floor, yet If you look out at night, you'll feel like you're looking out of an apartment window at 20th floor in NYC- my dream city. At that moment, I craved the adrenaline rush of looking out of window of MY apartment in NYC while sipping on my coffee.

Then it hit me. My fear of taking the first step was putting everything I could be in future at stake. I remember how goose bumps graced my skin when I remembered the time when a 4th grader (me) made a small book of her own because she used to study in an underprivileged school that lacked classrooms, library was a faraway dream. At that age, with such poor education conditions, I wrote a book- more like a kid magazine but you get the drift.

I wrote my first book at age of 8 (I started school at age of 2. Don't ask.)

But why was I able to write?

Simple, I didn't know what insecurity meant. I didn't care about judgement. I wasn't scared.

8 year old me was braver than 17 year old me even when the previously stated book had horrible mistakes (I referred the main character as 'he' sometimes when it was a 'she' precisely.) I wasn't scared of mistakes at that age.

I realised how much I grew up between that achievement and this one. I am not perfect yet but I am getting better. I realised that I am not where I want myself but I am so much ahead of where I used to be.

I realised that I wasn't letting myself live my dream. Nobody but me was holding me back. I realised that I was so scared of getting out of my comfort zone that I was ready to sabotage my own dream.

And at that moment, I pressed publish for first chapter.

Now, the book is nearing it's end and I have no words to thank you all for bringing me out of my shell. I am better because of your support. I won't say that I am completely confident now, because I am not but I am getting there.

I read your comments when I feel insecure.

TBH, the weirdest thing that happened during this experience was coincidence. I noticed that 95% of the time when I fell in dark of self doubt, one of you commented something that instantly lifted me up and for that I am grateful.

I hope now you know why I used to post those annoying thank you notes. The fact that this might be the last, breaks my heart because honestly, no amount of notes can thank you people enough.

Today, my book isn't becoming a movie, my notifications aren't exploding, the views and votes are not skyrocketing but at least I get comments like 'this should be a movie' or 'you should publish it', at least my notifications aren't empty, at least I am not unnoticed.

And honestly, I realised that this is what matters.

So, let's cut the rant short. Moral of the story is, if you're thinking of doing something but you fear the results, then please don't. Don't be scared. Take the jump. If you don't end up where you wish to be, you'll end up with wisdom to lead you there.

Believe in yourself. I am still trying to and honestly, I have realised that self confidence is a bliss.

Don't self pity. Don't reduce your worth in your eyes. Because, you're worth everything if you work hard enough.

That's all wisdom I have for you people.

Thank you so much for everything.

This book was an amazing experience and it would've been vain without you people.

I LOVE YOU ALL.

Also, I know that maybe he won't ever see it it, but a huge thank you to the boy above. This boy made me believe. I didn't give up because of him and he made me wish to hear the same words from someone else.

I LOVE YOU JUSTIN. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING ME BELIEVE.

Keep believing in yourself. You were born to be somebody.

I am Soumya Agrawal. Thanks for believing in me because I believe in you.

~Soumya.