The Only Way ✓

13. Deteriorate

Zayn

I sunk deep in the depths of grief, lying there in the shadows of all that once was and never will be. My Mackenzie was gone, and the only way I had any grasp of her, grasp of her memory was in my dreams- in my nightmares. In my dreams, she would still be with us and she was always at my side. I kept a vigilant eye on her. I made sure that every desire she had was fulfilled. I yearned for just that one glance of her enchanting hazel eyes, ones that never failed to be filled with hope and happiness.

In my nightmares, I visualised myself at the night of her accident. That same nightmare played over, like a never ending record- my dreams were not any different- they haunted me. They made me hate myself. The nightmare- the beginning of it never changed, she was with us spending time with us- the end was what always changed. But one of the endings almost aways seemed to come around. She died not in my arms, she died alone. A car came around driving like night was pursuing it, and in a blink of an eye, she laid on the asphalt road. She was torn open, blood flowing from her in large quantities. I had been a spectator to all, and even though I had seen everything unfold I had not done anything to help her. I was frozen in my very spot. Not even in my mind was I control of my thoughts, because I couldn't save her. Reality insisted in tormenting me. It had latched onto the very depths of my soul, tearing away all signs of hope, of all signs tranquility.

The only way of escape from my dreams- from the torment was to keep myself from letting my eyes to close. The irony in that. The reason of restlessness before, had all come to point to one person: Mackenzie. Now that she was gone you would think I would be able to sleep. However, it had not changed anything at all, for her I was restless.

"Zayn...Zayn," I had been so caught up in my thoughts I had not registered Louis ever coming into our room. I had been caught by surprised and clenched my fist quickly, the small item pressing hard against my palm.

"Don't you knock?" I grumble and Louis eyes my hand suspiciously. I kept my stare on him. He kept his stare on my hand and just sighed. I was left to question his quick surrender. Usually he would pounce at the idea of prying information out of me. Now he hadn't even shot a question. Something was going on.

"Well?" I stuffed the item into my pocket and gestured for him to hurry up and spit it out.

"I did knock. Twice. You never responded," Louis' voice wasn't filled with anger nor jubilance. It was more in the range of quietness, which was never in Louis' vocabulary. But who was I to question his character. After- after the events that had taken place we all took a blow, some of us didn't know how to handle or what to take from it. I hadn't even taken a chance to keep an eye as to how it had affected the rest of the lads, I had just sunk deep into myself. I had left the others to fend for themselves. Louis had been sucked into his thoughts for that brief moment.

"Anyways, this is my room too, so I don't have to knock," Louis finally came out that daze he was in and he tried to hide the sullen feeling that had washed over him. But I knew that feeling more than he did. He couldn't pretend like it hadn't happened, but he did. He placed a smile on his face, one he used knowing he had said something right.

"Whatever, what do you want from me," I muttered. I sat on my bed, my things scattered all over my bed. My duvet stood in its pristine shape at the edge of my bed. I hadn't bothered with hiding the fact I had not slept.

"I don't want anything. Simon on the other hand wants us to go to the living room for a meeting," Louis played with his voice but he was in the same boat as I. We couldn't hide the same feeling of dread that I felt when it came to meeting with Simon- especially these past weeks. It was always patronizing us- me. I stood silent, if I retaliated in anyway Simon always found a way to keep me tamed. He knew what he had to do to get me to cooperate. I stared at Louis, straight in the eye, his blue ones looking at my dark ones. For a moment, his face distorted and morphed into another face I was really familiar with. I was tranced by it, until gloom flowed in the eyes.