Hopeless

Chapter twelve

A chill went down Magnus' spine. The talk to his dad was really disturbing to him. He knew his father was insane but he never could have imagined he was that crazy. Probably it wasn't even too dangerous to quit giving painkillers to a patient, it was just not a nice thing to do. Magnus ran his hands through his hair. He was shaking. Everything went black in front of his eyes. He felt dizzy. Sweat was running down his face. Magnus braced himself at the wall and slowly slid down to the floor. He was about to vomit. In front of his inner eye he saw his mother, foam all over her face. She commited suicide by taking an overdose of painkillers. Could you die by talking too little? All the medical knowledge Magnus had just vanished. He tried to concentrate, to calm down, but that just made his sickness worse. Magnus dropped himself onto his knees and put his forehead on the cold floor. His breaths became more regular. Magnus tried to breathe normally. Suddenly his phone rang. It probably was Raphael. He quickly got it out of his pocket and answered the call:" Yes?" Magnus realized how shaky his voice still sounded. "I need you to get a room for Stephen Underhill quickly. Patients are waiting for their morning checkup. What's wrong?" "Nothing.", Magnus stuttered, "nothing. I am sorry. I'll be right there." "Magnus you're okay?",Raphael asked. Magnus swallowed and decided not to mention his little panic attack:" Yes. I am sorry. I got distracted. I'll be there. I'm sorry." "It's fine.", Raphael said and hung up. Quickly Magnus struggled back into a standing position and started moving. His hands were still shaking a little and his breath was quicker than usually. But, he had a duty. He got to the doctor's room to check whether there was another room than Alec's available. He actually planned to bring Stephen to Alec's room but considering Alec's current condition he would rather leave him alone. "Hey, you okay?", Dot asked. Magnus whirled around and put on the fakest smile of the year:" Yeah sure." She frowned:" You look- down?" Magnus shook his head and tried to chuckle:" I have no Makeup on." Dot laid her hand on his shoulder:" Hey, stop joking. I am serious. What's wrong?" Magnus sighed. He couldn't really admit he just had a panic attack. So he decided to tell her half the truth. "I just had a rather unpleasant talk with Asmodeus. We had some different opinions." She shrugged:" Well, we all have our difficulties with him. He's a tough person to talk to." Magnus ran his hand through his hair:" Yeah. Things excalate quickly when your father and your boss are the same person." Dot's eyes widened:" Are you serious? Asmodeus is your father? Holy crap, my condolences." Magnus nodded and smiled weakly:" Yeah. Well, I'd love to chat a little more but I got stuff to do." She smiled and nodded:" Sure. No worries." Magnus looked back at the computer screen. He sighed. As expected, his only possibly to find Stephen a bed was either Alec or an elderly lady which was a difficult patient. With a sigh, he made his way back to Alec's room. He was surprised as he saw that Isabelle and Jace still weren't there. Alec meanwhile seemed to be awake. "Alec?", Magnus asked and stroke Alec's forehead. He has never seen him like that. "Magnus.", He whispered. A tear escaped Magnus' eye:" I'm so sorry." His voice cracked. It was his fault Alec felt so bad. He got too attached to him and Asmodeus took revenge for that. "It's okay.", Alec said. His voice sounded rough. Magnus swallowed and blinked, but his tears blurred his sight. "Is this how I really feel?", Ales asked. Magnus nodded and bit his lip. He saw Alec's jaw muscle tighten:" I felt good because of the painkillers, right?" Magnus bit his lip. He felt guilty. Alec wasn't aware of how his real condition was. As a doctor it was Magnus' duty to ensure that. He failed. "I'm sorry. I fucked up.", He whispered. "You did.", A voice said behind Magnus. He whirled around. There he stood. Asmodeus. "It's your fucking fault!", Magnus cried and pushed his father away. "You know why it happened. You are making it worse.", Asmodeus replied, with no emotion in his voice. "You're a monster! You're a fucking monster!", Magnus screamed and pushed his father again. " You yourself know that you're the monster here." That was too much for Magnus. He knew his mother killed herself because of Magnus' strange eyes and as she was very superstitious she thought she gave birth to something that wasn't supposed to live. She called Magnus a monster. "Go out of my life, dad. Go and fuck yourself somewhere I can neither see nor hear you. Leave me alone.", Magnus said. Suddenly, his voice was calm. Cold. If looks could kill Asmodeus would already be on his way to hell. Because that was where he belonged. To goddamn hell. "You will regret this, son.", Asmodeus said and left. Only then Magnus realized Alec has had to hear all of this. He turned back around and looked into Alec's wide eyes. "I'm sorry you had to hear this.", Magnus said. "I want to hear more.", Alec said with a hurt expression on his face, "I know this was about me." Magnus sighed and sat down on the chair Isabelle was usually sitting on. Then he started talking. Alec had a right to know. He owed that to Alec. He explained how his father didn't like Magnus and Alec spending time together, how he took the painkillers, how Magnus had a breakdown earlier, why being called a monster hit him as hard as it did. He told Alec everything. He talked and talked until he said everything he has dying to tell someone. He has never managed to speak about his family issues earlier. And if felt good to do so. It felt good to let it all out.

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Anyone smelling the Malec?