Hopeless

Chapter fourty-two

"Can I join you?", Someone asked behind Magnus back. It was Dot. "Always.", He sighed and took another sip from his coffee. "Magnus, what's the matter with you?", She asked and Magnus jerked back. "Why does everyone think that there's something wrong with me?", He asked angrily. "Because we all got this email. And everyone can see how exhausted and drained you are, even at the beginning of the night. Everyone knows there must be something going on. You're harsher than usual. You aren't as concentrated as you used to be. You don't work as precisely as you used to. Magnus, what is going on?" Only by looking at her Magnus could tell how concerned she was. Tears shut up to his eyes. This was too much. "I can't do this.", He said and heard his voice Crack. Dot took his hand:" Yes you can. Talk to me. Please." And Magnus did so. He told her everything from the day he met Alec. How her fell in love with him, how Alec needed a place to stay, how they moved in,hoe they caught feelings for each other, how they kissed, how Asmodeus found out, hoe he was pressuring him, how work was taking up all his time, how he had no time for Alec, how he got the letter from the police, how he asked for Jaces help, how Asmodeus found out today, how everyone get the mail and how the patient just died without him knowing if anyone saw anything they could report to Asmodeus. "Magnus, you should've told me.", She said, "You know you could've, right?" "I did. I just didn't want to. I thought if nobody would now I could hide the truth from myself." Dot looked into his teary eyes:" Magnus, he can't do that to you. He's trying to break you. He just can't deal with the thought of you being better than him. He may be your boss, but this is your ER. And we all have your back. Nobody will tell Asmodeus anything. We are one family, Mags. We got you." "Thank you.", He sighed. "Get some rest, Magnus. Just go to the relax room, I'll cover you.", She said and Magnus had no strength to contradict. Quickly, he emptied his coffee and threw the paper cup into the bin. "Let's go.", Dot said and guided him to the doctor's recreation room. "I've never been in here before.", Magnus admitted and pushed the door open. With surprise, he noticed he wasn't the only one in there. "Ragnor?", Magnus whispered. "Mhm.", His friend mumbled, half awake, half asleep. "What are you doing here?", Magnus asked and watched Ragnor sit up:" I must've caught a bad cold, I don't feel too well. There aren't lots of patients at the moment, are there?" Magnus shook his head:" No, there aren't. Sorry for bothering." "It's fine.", He replied,"But what about you? Unlike me or Cat I've never seen you take a nap in here before! Should I be concerned?" Magnus shook his head:" No. Actually, I probably shouldn't be in here. You got the mail." Ragnor bit his lip:" Yup. That must suck. To be honest, it's so not cool of him to pressure you like that." Magnus just shrugged:" It's Asmodeus. Did we expect any better?" Ragnor frowned:" No we didn't but you actually taking a break concerns me- are the rumours true?" "Which rumours?", Magnus asked with a yawn. "The ones that say that you have to work extra hours in order not to get fired.", Ragnor replied quietly. Magnus straightened his back, he felt every muscle of his body tense: "People know?" "Hey.", Raphael said and tried to stroke Magnus' arm but he jerked back. "Ragnor, do people know?" He bit his lip:" Most know about the rumour but nobody has had the courage to ask you. You seemed tense and sensitive these past days and nobody really wanted to get on your nerves." Magnus stood up:" Oh really? I seemed off? How nice of you to spread rumours behind my back, then! You know, that really makes me feel better." "No, you don't understand-", Ragnor tried to explain but Magnus interrupted him immediately:" No I don't! I really don't, Ragnor!", Magnus replied angrily and darted out of the room angrily. "Magnus!", Ragnor tried to hold him back but Magnus didn't listen and stormed out of the hospital. He just wanted to get away, but he knew he couldn't. What else of his private life did his colleagues know? What were they thinking of him? He couldn't even trust them anymore. He thought if there would be some sort of rumour spreading, someone would tell him but as he found out, he was wrong. Dot straight up lied to his face. What kind of family would do that? Talking behind each others backs... And how could he be sure that nobody would talk bad about him in front of Asmodeus now? He had a great position and he knew certain people would do a lot to get him fired. Millions of thoughts buzzed through his head and he found it hard to breathe. He tried to suck in the cold night breath as if he was trying to freeze his thoughts. Slowly but steadily he saw the sun rise, colouring the night sky. And standing there, looking at the sun he figured how unimportant he was. He was one of billions of people and some of them were looking at the sun right now as well. Behind him, the hospital, a huge grey building. Standing in front of it, he felt tiny. Tiny and insignificant. Taking one last deep breath he turned around and looked at the hospital. He has played with the thought of leaving this place, just running away. But he couldn't. This was his home, his family in there. He shared so many memories with this place and that was a bond that nobody could be able to understand. It was as if this place was a part of him. This was where he belonged. And he wouldn't leave it, no matter what.