Longing to Be Known | Levi Ackerman x OC

49

-Kaisa-

My cries for Levi fell on deaf ears.

It was probably for the best that Dr. Kageyama couldn't understand my weakness in that moment, but I'm thankful that he managed to help me.

Having experienced a triggered-induce panic attack was something unheard of in my history. This trigger being, the crystal shard. Whatever it is, I want absolutely nothing to do with it. I acknowledge that my mental-health isn't as strong as it should be, however, I am taken aback with my lack of control.

I hate it.

I hate this 'power' that introduced itself to me now of all times. The 'ability' which destroyed my relationship with the one person who seemed to understand me in the weirdest way; the one person who betrayed me once they realised I wasn't who they signed up for.

My heart aches in betrayal, knowing this situation was beyond preventable; it was beyond my own control. I lie to myself, believing Levi didn't have a choice in this situation, that he was manipulated into believing I'd lie about such a thing. Yet, even with this resentment against him, I still long for his comfort.

I yearn for his touch; I daydream of his small smile which he rarely displays; I reminisce of his comforting hold.

I wish to hold his hand again.

Although these emotions weigh on my shoulders, I am unable to rid myself of all self-respect for someone so undeniably undeserving.

Without question, this factor is the most damaging.

I have to choose to hate him.

I've come to realise my intuitions have significantly improved since my encounter with that cursed shard. I can feel the energy people exude when they walk in my general area, I don't know how far this radius reaches, but it seems to be in my favour if anything. When I discovered this, I have no idea.

That's the worst part of it all. For some reason, these new abilities reveal themselves to me unconsciously, and suddenly, I understand their purpose before mastering them. Dr. Kageyama mentioned earlier that interacting with a shard may have triggered repressed memories, and these may be causing these migraines. It could be these migraines are triggering these abilities, or...at least unlocking them for my use.

It's been approximately eight hours since the Survey Corps left on their rescue to retrieve both Ymir and Eren. It has been four hours since my appointment with the doctor. It's been two hours since I've taken the medication prescribed to me. It's been thirty minutes since I've relapsed on memories of Humanity's Strongest.

Based on the time that's passed, if my approximations are correct, the likelihood of their return if the mission is successful is in about five minutes.

Should this be true, a messenger should be heading towards the cellars right as I speak to myself for no particular reason. Perhaps I do this to keep myself company, or maybe I just iterate what I experience with the hopes someone will care enough to listen. Regardless, I lack the amount of energy to think anything beyond the events currently ongoing.

As if on time, the messenger stumbles through a few minutes later, claiming they're just about to arrive at the wall from a successful mission. I smile in relief, knowing that Eren is safe and sound. A part of me chastises myself knowing the other soldier is still captured, but I also give myself a pass considering the shit I've just experienced.

I sit up in bed and prepare myself to leave. After being on the opposite end of this interaction, the chances of interrogation or even the preparations for a court case is likely. I strap on my boots—which are the only article of my uniform they've allowed me to keep—and slide on the second hand hoodie which is way too big. I spend the rest of my time fixing my hair and dusting off the clothes I have to make myself look presentable. As I fix the last loose strand, I feel a large aura fill the entire dungeon.