Dabi's little sister

Why I Deleted My Face Reveal..

This is something that I try to avoid all I can because I feel like not only do I burden others but I burden myself, I'm a very shy and anxious person and I'm very insecure about practically everything about myself. If you remember earlier in the book I did a face reveal of myself, no one was rude and gave me nice comments about me but I deleted that face reveal a few minutes ago. Not many of you know my full in background and what my life has been like, I so far have only trusted my girlfriend in that but since you all support me so much I think I can tell you all what my life is like.

I grew up in a place where if you did something wrong you would get smacked and hit for doing it wrong, my older sister never got hit by my parents, she did the wrong thing a lot more than me and never got hit or even yelled at. She just mainly got this very angry talk and faint yells at her, while there was me if I broke a plate I would get yelled at and if my room was a little messy my dad would hit and yell at me. Now a disclaimer about my dad, he isn't like that anymore he is very nice and has anger issues and so do I. One time I got in a lot if trouble for my room not being clean and when I was grabbing something from the kitchen, my dad had slapped my arm so hard that the pain felt really bad that I thought my arm had broke. I thought my dad broke my arm by slapping me that hard, it wasn't broken but it left a really big slap mark there and was sore for days. I don't know why I was targeted like that as a small kid but it affected me a lot, I wanted everything about me to be perfect and it got to a point where to this day I haven't had a detention or even a warning at all in all of my school years. I am that scared of getting into trouble.

I think where it all got worse was when I was 6-7 years old, many kids go through parents breaking up, my mum and dad were never married but they started getting into fights and one day after school my mum sat my sister and I down and said that her and dad were breaking up. I was cried so much for weeks, even though they were abusive I still had hope that, maybe they would stop or maybe things would get better. Mum was on anti depressants at the time and she acted really weird and started stealing family tax money and other things I can't fully remember, so they broke up. That was first time I went to a school councilor in my life, my mum sent me there and it felt very overwhelming. I'm not really the therapy type of person, it makes me feel uncomfortable which is why I turn to only close people because I let them see me cry.

So after a few months my sister had gotten into trouble at school which lead to her and dad fighting which lead to my sister moving out, the police had to get involved because of the court order but she moved with my mum. When it was just me and dad we'd have small fights but 2017 was an awful year for me. Dad was a lot more angry and was constantly asking 'do you want to move out or not?!' as if he wanted me to leave. On the Christmas holidays just a few days after Christmas we had a huge fight and I finally snapped and screamed that wanted to leave because I felt like he didn't love me anymore, at 12am my mum picked me up and I was now living with her and my sister, it was horrible and toxic, not just them but my friends too.

My sister came back from a holiday and she changed, she would hit me, smack, slap and punch me and yell at me for no reason. This was when I developed anger issues and also started yelling, I'm not a loud person and doesn't yell anymore because it scares me to know what I could become because of yelling even though it's sometimes healthy to yell. Everyday I would get bruises and yelled at all the time, one time while walking to school my sister punched me right into my stomach and I fell to the ground and couldn't move, it hurted that much and my mum never did nothing during this time, she didn't care about my safety at this point. My friends weren't helpful either, when I would come to school crying while covered in bruises and I would actually tell them about the abuse, they would just say 'just be nice to your sister' and 'get over it you're obviously doing something wrong'. I got teased by these girls a lot for not being girly and developing early, they even teased me about being Bisexual. One of my friends asked me if one them wasn't straight who would I date, I didn't know at the time so I said three random girls in the group, their reaction was 'so you have a crush on me' and 'I don't like you, no one would really like you'. This broke me because I did like a girl at the time but then she didn't like me and was straight so I was pretty lonely and didn't really have real friends until the end of 2019. 2018 was when the suicidal thoughts started and when I got sent to therapy for having anger issues.

In my last year if primary school and I avoided all the girls because they were mainly the toxic ones so I stuck around the boys for last year and for once I actually had friends, most of the boys were very nice to me and we had a lot of interests that were the same. Even my now best friend had a crush on me and we both liked each other a lot, he was there when I was at my darkest because outside of school was hell. When I left my mums place my dad was with his ex at the time but the very next day we moved out of her place into some place different, it was so cold there, but it was near my principals place fun fact it was creepy. It wasn't just me and my dad in that house it was 4 other guys, I felt very uncomfortable. Every morning on the weekends I couldn't sleep in I had to be awake at 5am every morning because dad had work and I wasn't allowed to be alone, this was insomnia started. I couldn't sleep at all because the stress of another bad day hit me hard, then after so many months in that old place we moved back in with my dad's ex, they were on and off so we moved back in, it felt nice to have a warm place to sleep, but things just didn't feel the same. I didn't come out to anyone about how I feel, and that's when I started self harming. Self harm came to me when I was so bottled up that I started to hate myself, I got stretch marks at a young age and still have them, they started to go down below my elbow now. I hated so much about myself, that I wasn't thin, I wasn't attractive, that I was quiet all the time. The first time I cut was in the school bathroom before school started and when I thought no one was around, I kept my sleeves up because no one was around. That was until my friend saw it and I broke down, but she didn't tell anyone about it, she didn't even ask if I was ok the next day so I kept cutting.

Then, one day after school, my dad and I were homeless for a while, he and his ex got into a fight and she kicked him out, so for 4 hours we were stuck in the rain, in the cold. For 2-4 days we were homeless, we stayed in a motel for a few days and then we just stayed in some random persons house for months, it was cold, I was so tired and done with life. I didn't know what had a grudge on me so much that my life was hell but it got to a point where in a bathroom at school I was ready to just die. I wanted to end the pain, the voices in my head would go away, I was just done with life, but when I made a small cut so far into my wrist the bell went and I had to go to class, my weapon was worn down at the time and I struggled a lot to kill myself but I kept trying to slit my wrists and now to this day I have a small scar on my wrist and I hate it. Then the holidays for Christmas was very quiet, I didn't have a good Christmas, usually at family events like Easter and Birthdays I am always ignored, even on my birthday. So I had 4 weeks until highschool started and I visited my mum who had moved with my sister and her new boyfriend to Frankston which was three hours away from my hometown, so I visited there originally for two weeks but I stayed there until I was a new student at my new highschool because dad called me and said that he had found a new place for us, I couldn't take anymore moving houses so I moved to my mums place. My sister wasn't as abusive but she eventually moved out. Now this year I discovered anime and it was a big comfort for me, that's when I started this account, and found my girlfriend, one of the only things that is keeping me alive. When she is asleep I have time to wrote fan fiction for you guys, but I'm still insecure, I have comments made about my weight a features, fact about me I was chubby at the start of 2020 but underweight, it confused me a lot but when Covid happened and we did online learning, I started stress eating and couldn't stop, I turned to food when I was stressed, then adding to eating I started biting my skin and eating it. I have mentioned this before and it is actually an disorder called Dermatophagia, everyday I eat my skin and can't stop, it's a repetitive disorder. I don't sleep much, I judge myself whenever I eat, there are voices in my head that will just say things like 'you're so stupid, no one likes you, your so ugly', and I listen to them.

I am at a point in my life where I am so mentally drained and tired, where I can only feel happiness is when I'm talking to my girlfriend and writing, she is the most precious thing to me and I'm so glad she texted me on April 13th, a small fact about that was actually before she messaged me, I was about to slit my wrists until I got that notification from her, she is my saviour and I adore her for that, she was there when I needed to talk to someone, when I wanted to cut and we saved each other's lives. Like I said before I'm very insecure about my appearance, I have acne and many stretch marks all over my body, but I hope something will stop this pain and I can have other things that help my be happy, I only have three things, my girlfriend, you guys and anime.

I made this because I was very low today and just wanted to feel something other than bottled up, also my biggest comfort character is Levi Ackerman, I listen to so many audios and read so much fan fiction of him, it helps a lot, I listen to King Akira's audios of Levi, if you know any other comfort audios of him, please tell me, I'd really like that.