Her Portrait Is Black and White

Reatlessness

Tina hadn't come to bed yet, Bette was worried she'd gone for a shower after their make out season on the window seat and Tina hadn't been in the bedroom when she'd come back. Bette got up and wrapped herself in her robe and headed to Xavier's room, their son was still sleeping unaware of what was happening.
Bette went downstairs and noticed the lights where on in the studio, she decided to make them both a cup of tea and then take it out to her wife. She made them both a cup of Tina's favourite tea and took it out to her.
Bette opened the door of the studio and looked at her wife, she was throwing paint with such force at the canvas, she could tell that Tina was angry. She knew that her wife needed to let that out. She also knew her actions had been rather out of character. Maybe she was stressed. Tina was covered in a number of colours of paint. Her hands mixing into the paint pots she was using as she wasn't using any brushes at all. The canvas was covered in all the darker shades. Bette put the mugs down on the counter.
Tina heard the cups go down and turned and looked at her wife.
​"I fucking hate you right now," Tina yelled, she was finally angry.
This has been the anger that Bette had been expecting. Bette didn't know how to react.
​"You let a woman you don't even fucking know touch you. You're not a whore Bette. You're my wife."
​"I knew you were too calm"
​"My brain keeps playing images I can't take over and over again. You have no idea the pain I feel. You're supposed to be loyal and true to me. TO ME. YOU...YOU ARE MY WIFE. MY WOMAN. MY PERSON." Tina banged her hand down on the counter.
​"I'm all of those things."
​"You let her into your space. You let her kiss you. YOU LET THAT HAPPEN B."
​"I did and I was weak in that moment I was weak."
​"Am I not enough for you?"
​"Ti,"
​"No Bette don't say 'Ti, it's okay I love you' because I need to know am I not enough for you, am I not giving you what you need, am I not meeting all your needs," Tina demanded
​"You're enough for me. Yes, I could do with more physical attention, but I know that's not always possible."
​"Not always possible you do know it's a two-way street right, that you could come onto me sometimes. It's like you barely want to touch me these days. Since I went off the rails you treat me with kid gloves. And at the start yeah I needed that but now. Now...well now I want you to be the woman you were when we first meet, who touch me the joys of lesbian loving. The woman who wanted me all the time. You don't' want that now. Yeah we get naked together, we bath together, but we barely make love, have sex or even fuck. It's like you don't' want to touch me and I'm not experienced enough to make you do anything." Tina was crying now. She was holding onto the counter.
Bette looked at her wife and realised what she was saying was completely true , she was treating her with kid gloves. She was scared that Tina would break again and the last thing she wanted was for Tina to lose it all again.
​"I'm sorry."
​"You're sorry. YOU'RE SORRY. I GET THAT YOU ARE BUT LISTEN TO ME BETTE. I'M TINA FUCKING KENNARD I HAVE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, I HAVE A SON WHO IS BEATING THE ODDS EVERYDAY AND I WOULD LOVE FOR MY WIFE TO BE THAT MY WIFE. TO FIND ME ATTRACTIVE AND WANT ME," Tina stopped yelling and started to calm. She was breathing hard. "I want you to be the woman I meet four years ago, but I know that's not possible because I'm not the woman you meet four years ago. I've got demons that haunt me. I've got pain that you and I cannot make go away but I've also got a love for you that is unmatched. I don't want anyone else B. I want you. I want to love and be loved by you. What happened today, shouldn't have been allowed to happen. We walk a very fine line and it's so out of character for you to just mess up this badly. I get it. I'm not perfect. I'm a mess 99.9 percent of the time. But I want this marriage, this relationship to work," Tina took another breath. She was fighting with her feelings.
​"I will make this marriage work,"
​"Its not just you B, we have to make this marriage work. US. We are a team. At the moment a crap team but we can be a brilliant team. I don't want you to be bored with me, I'm not bored with you. You delight me in so many ways."
​"I'm not bored with you, please don't think that."
​"I trusted you."
​"I want to work that this, we can build this together, regain trust, I want to be with you Ti, I'm sorry. I am,"
​"Please stop saying sorry it's making my blood boil,"
​"Okay," Bette could see that her wife was calming.
​"She meant nothing to you?"
​"I only meet her today, I checked her out. I wasn't thinking maybe it's the stress I've been under, maybe I lost my mind for a moment here but she's nothing to me,"
Tina nodded. Knowing it was true. She knew when her wife was lying Bette was bad at it.
​"It was just one kiss?"
​"Yes, one kiss too many," Bette tried to smile,
Tina looked at her, taking in the woman she loved.
​"Promise me this won't happen again,"
​"It won't, I could never overstep again, I promise you that." Bette said slowly. She needed to tell her wife the truth.
​"You're my best friend, my lover, my wife. You know that. We need to rebuild this. When is opening night?"
​"This Friday,"
​"Okay. I'll call Kit see if she will look after Xavier. I will be at your side."
​"I want to rebuild this with you, you know I love you,"
​"I do. It's time we both took our marriage, our love life a little more seriously. We've been missing something and we need to set that spark off again."
​"We do, we do,"
Xavier started to cry on the baby monitor, Bette smiled.
​"I'll go I've not seen him awake today." Bette walked away.
Tina looked at the mess she'd made of the studio and herself. She picked up a full can of purple paint and through it across the room. The paint hitting the canvas, the pot bouncing across the floor. She had a rage she couldn't shake but she knew she had too. She took a deep breath before going to the sink and washing her hands, the paint coming off slowly. All she could think about was not wanting to lose Bette.

****

Bette sat cuddling Xavier who was resting against her chest, his eyes closed. He had calmed as soon as he had seen her, and she'd relaxed the moment she had picked him up and he had looked at her with those hazel eyes. The same hazel eyes that he shared with his mother. Now Bette sat in the rocking chair in his room, her fingers slowly running over his bad as she just took in his smell. What had she been thinking today? Why had she let it happen? She never wanted to lose this. Her wife, her son, her family. For the first time in her life she had everything she wanted. Yet she had been like her father and nearly thrown it all away. She had to get this back on track. She had to make this right and she was determined to do so.